When Avoidants Need Space (WHAT TO DO)

Some do's and don't when an avoidant pulls away and says they need space

[dariazhempalukh]

That means literally losing control of your life too honestly, if they don’t give you at least some timeline after which you can comfortably come and say what’s up. Avoidants still have to be taken responsibile, otherwise it’s not healthy at all and this is why even safely attached people get restless and become anxious leaning.

[gettingknowjapan]

The confusing part is when the FA leaning avoidant says "I just want to make sure you have space" or "I'm giving you space" and then the receiving end says "Oh, I'm fine. I enjoy spending time with you." or "I feel like things are going well" or "I'm fine and not asking for space."

Then the FA resorts to pulling away, ghosting, etc. until the other person wonders what the heck happened. That's when I discovered attachment theory and realized the FA started bailing from the fear of developing those uncomfortable loving feelings. But for those that don't discover attachment theory, in the famous words of Robin Williams in Good Will Hunting, "It's not your fault." Just have to work on yourself, discover your own needs, wants, and boundaries, and put yourself out there.

[BirdieHaze]

I really wish these people came with a hand book.

[ketobodybuilder]

Its very hard the warm up then go cold again over and over

[Kimberlyelayyne]

Sharing my personal experience, I once dated someone with dismissive avoidant tendencies. The relationship was marked by constant fluctuations, with him being hot and cold. After our breakup in 2021, I felt heartbroken but still saw him occasionally. Fast forward to March this year, we reconnected, and he seemed genuinely interested, expressing how much he missed me and was comfortable around me. We even discussed the possibility of taking things slow and rekindling our connection. However, just days later, he informed me that he needed space and time to be alone, despite harboring no ill feelings towards me. This turn of events left me utterly shattered. Through my experiences, I've learned that change is often elusive in such situations. If anyone's wondering whether people like him can change, my answer, based on years of experience, is unfortunately, no.

[mookeystinks]

He is avoidant and I am somewhere between secure and anxious. We broke up so I gave him space but he continued to text and now even video chat. But he gets weird and disappears so I’m in this confusing place of also running away and after a week or so he texts REALLY RANDOM stuff like what green tea he should drink for hair loss, best beef collagen, etc. I get so excited to hear from him but if I push for an in person meetup he gets distant again. He’s been claiming to be in a divorce process and I’ve been pretty patient but I can’t tell if he’s wanting to go back to the toxic familiar or move forward. And instead of communicating he distances. I love him to death but this has been very draining. Not sure what he wants anymore.

[xortxtreamoffroadtrucks]

I wish I knew this sooner now things have gone from good to worse