Covert Narcissist - When your Daughter-In-Law is brainwashing your son

Covert Narcissist - When your Daughter-In-Law is brainwashing your son. This video is a user requested video where their adult son is married to a cover narcissist. Their son is under the spell of the wife and the brainwashing is deep. In this video I discuss some of the issues associated with this particular cover-narcissist variant and ways to deal with it.

⚠️DISCLAIMER - I am not a therapist, licensed counselor, or attorney. My thoughts are my own opinions from my personal experience. You should consult a professional when you are changing your treatment or making legal decisions. This channel and companion website are for informational purposes only.

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[lyndaradican]

Thank you for this. I’ve spent 4 years in therapy over the loss of my son to a narcissistic daughter in law. I suspect my son is also a narcissist as well. I stopped trying to convince them early on that I hadn’t done what I’ve been accused of. Your information here has validated my step back actions. Im living my life and finding charitable ways to help children as I’m not allowed to see my grandchildren. You have lifted the heaviness from my heart and soul. 🙏 thank you.

[jeffpittman]

I am in the middle dealing with a DIL. I am prepared to walk away permanently. I've had all the toxic behavior I can handle. I love my son but I refuse to submit.

[ritawhite]

Don’t recognise our son now. We were so close before he married her. The hurt goes on and on. Love to all who are coping with this.

[jodieadamson]

You have LITERALLY just described my life. Thank you so very much for sharing!!! Dear God, it is the most painful and shocking experience of my life. My son, who was extremely close to his whole family, has been isolated from all of us for a year and a half. My heart feels like glass that has been shattered.

[cc]

This is what our son’s girlfriend of 10 years is doing. He became isolated with her over the pandemic and then she changed jobs and dragged him along many states away from us. He ended up being hospitalized from a mental breakdown. She continues to gaslight him and manipulates him in every way. She has convinced him that we, his parents, are the bad guys. We are absolutely heartbroken and feel we’ve lost our son.

[vanessamonroe]

My son lives down the street, and we feel unwelcome in his home. Haven’t been there since Christmas. He stops in sometimes without his wife. She is all about her family, and they are over there all the time. I feel like we are being erased from our son’s life. I tried talking with them about this, but nothing had changed. My heart 💜 is in pain. 😭 I dread when they have children! My heart is broken enough already! 😢

[katiegiffen]

You nailed it completely - this exact thing happened in our family. After months of being ignored for no reason, my Mom asked my brother's wife (the covert narcissist) what she did wrong, and both of them (my brother and his wife) completely cut us off then. It was the son siding with the narc wife like you described perfectly. My brother called my Mom screaming at her the day after her Mom passed away. When my Nana passed away, my Mom frantically texted the wife Rachel to try and get ahold of my brother, and she wrote back to my Mom, "who is this?" We didn't do anything, the wife (Rachel) hated us from the beginning. She is convinced my brother is cheating on her, and has brainwashed my brother into her thinking our other brother, our other sister, myself, my Mom, and my Dad are awful people. Every word out of her mouth is a lie, and my brother believes it. There were so many signs from the beginning - she made her wedding party dish out thousands of dollars to cover what should have been the bride and groom's costs at the wedding; at the wedding, she announced to the whole room that "her parents had achieved many great things in their lives, but she was their crowning achievement." Note she had never worked a day in her life up to that point, at 33 years old. Everything she does and says to people is aimed to tear them down and destroy them. I've been terribly depressed since this happened in our family. I just don't understand how people can be so evil, and how easily people are brain washed. For some reason this feels hugely relieving to share this with strangers who also understand.

[paulmadkow]

My son FINALLY is leaving his narc wife after a miserable 14 year marriage. She is just evil. Thank. God!!!!

[fjfyrvj]

God help me
She has totally rewired my Sons mind. 😢
I tried EVERYTHING....
even kissing her butt and bowing down to her every want and need.
I was in a damn if you do, Damn if you don't situation.
I will FOREVER be the bad guy.
Today is their gender reveal, my first grandbaby. 😢😢
I decided that causing my son issues because I was there was just not worth it and I didn't go.
I am COMPLETELY broken.
I try so hard to just pretend there is no baby on the way because I can't deal with the pain of her using the baby to hurt and destroy me.

This is GOD AWFUL

[kimberlyoliver]

OMG!!! You hit what I am experiencing right on the head!!!! Harry did not know his life was terrible until Megan Markle told him it was.

[BobbySpiessVienna]

I'm through tis hell right now. My son (mid of 20ies), who was also my best friend thru the years, living with me until college (after divorce when he was 4) is going thru this tunnel now. We always had holidays, some beers, playing billard, all the nice stuff...He got married a year ago, and after first times going well, with normal loose contact, nice dinner invitations etc. he started to break up with one after another in the family. At some point, me speaking 1 slight criticism on his wife, she sent me to hell, insulting me and the whole family, explicitly writing: "...whole family crap... all i need is your son!". Feels like I awoke a vampire coincidentally! HE then demanded submissive excusation FROM ME, and when me refusing then cut personal contact – now even not answering text messages or christmas congratulations anymore. Cause and effect totally out of balance. Total ghosting. My only option now, like you said in the vid: "being there". He knows that, but apparently has not the power, or is not allowed to have any chance to make things up, or speak out to clarify. On the other hand, the second thing to remember: PLEASE never forget your own life, guys! This is the only chance to survive now. Dont make this turn your WHOLE life into hell. Although it IS HELL, it is "only" a part of life – at this point a frozen one. Good luck. I wish you much strenght & thank you for the video! A little comfort to know, that I'm not the only one in such situation. ❤

[neomifeldman]

Thank you for reassuring me that there’s nothing I can do to awaken my son to the fact that his wife is a narcissist. He plans to visit me and I needed your kind advice how to act. My heart breaks for him. He is such a wonderful human being.

[shanelisa]

Thank you DSD for this insightful video. I see a lot of comments on here from DILs slamming their MILs. I'm wondering why they're even watching this video? Sometimes things really are what they seem and a DIL can be the abuser. It's not an exclusive club for MILs. As a mom now dealing with the discard and unable to see my grandchildren I can assure you that what you are talking about does happen. It's very sad and very painful. It's also a punishment for the children who don't understand why they can't see their grandparents anymore.

[elizabethabbot]

Thank you for this video. I feel so alone in this experience which is hard to share because others assume you must have done something wrong and it is on you, the MIL, to repair the relationship. She has said and done horrible things to me, but never, ever when anyone else is watching, so I am making sure I am never left alone with her as a first defense. Looking back, I understand the look she gave me from across the room at the wedding reception that I didn't understand at the time, but remained impressed in my mind, as a look of victory -- he is mine now and I will do everything in my power to destroy you. They have two young sons now, maybe karma will come round in the future.

[bluewillow]

This is a lonely road. It is a nightmare for a Mom, Grandma ect. I am living it and my heart hurts for every person suffering this situation.

[Jazztomorrow]

Talk about describing my life. I am the evil MIL. Our relationship went down the tubes, when she slit he wrists in a half hearted attempt to harm herself. Our son called us, and ever since that day, she has done everything in her power, to keep us from our son, and our grandchildren. She knows we're on to her, and she's upped the ante.

[Novakfsm]

My dil has decided to cut only me out. She talks to everyone else just to spite me. I am not allowed to see the grandkids because they are little and she won't respond to any way that I try to reach out. She still talks to my extended family and no one knows she is using them to hurt me. It is like I am being bullied on a playground and everyone is just watching me get beat up. I refuse to play the game. Trying to get used to the fact that I may never be allowed to have a real relationship with my son and grandsons ever again. Totally heartbroken.

[jowilde]

Here's what you do with a covert narc d-n-l: No matter how she gaslights you, no matter how she doesn't engage with you, no matter how she's friendly with YOUR friends and is cold and unengaging with you, you have to smile in her face and push aside your frustration. Turn your feelings off. Her problem is hers. You can't fix her and you can't change her either. I know dealing with her is hard but if you say anything to her about her poor behavior, she's going to make herself the victim and go running to your son claiming how mean you had been to her. He's going to blame you and you might lose seeing your grandkids. This is something you need to realize, covert narc or grandiose narc set out to win. They play games. And they are masters at games. They like tormenting their targets to get them to snap. And when someone loses it, the narc has won. The narc will play the victim, pointing the finger at you, telling all sorts of lies to all her friends, family and especially your son. Your son will take his wife's side.

Here's something to consider... He may know exactly what he's living with and maybe he takes her side to make life more peaceful in his home. There's no happy medium, no acceptence with any narc. You can't win. The best thing to do is when your son and his wife come to visit, focus on the kids and even your son. Stay in light conversations like the weather. Whatever you do, don't go deep. Don't try to settle problems with the narc. If you try to have a discusion like a loving mom-law with the narc, she will not listen and be reasonable. Don't waste your breath. When you talk to your son, don't talk about his wife other than how is she doing. Focus on your son and grandkids. But don't entirely exclude the narc. When you speak to your son be sure to send your love to the kids and the wife. This way you're not looking like your leaving the wife out. Don't ever show your true feelings. She'll get the upper hand. Good luck!

[moni]

I have only watched 2 minutes and read 5 comments. I feel so relieved that someone can understand. Figured out a month ago my DIL is/has these traits. She raged at me for 24 hours during a family vacation over something she thought I said. I left my whole family there. There has been no understanding and my son mostly defends her. After the event, I tried explaining and some helping. All used against me. I am concerned about the future, traumatized and very hurt. But glad to know people here might understand. No one has understood me. This is the most difficult experience of my life.

[TCSMastery]

Wow you so described my relationship with my son! Been going through crap for almost 12 years! My son now had 3 seizures out of nowhere!? The stress in his life is causing him physical health problems now! He needs to leave her asap! I don't trust her evil ass!