A Covert Narcissist's #1 Tactic, Hands Down

Covert narcissists can create great tension because they are masters of disguise. Gaslighting you, they want you to think you are truly defective and in need of their control. But Dr. Les Carter identifies the most prominent tactic they use, and as you see it, you can be less inclined to succumb to their manipulations.

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Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, TX. For 40+ years he maintained a counseling practice in Dallas, conducting more than 65,000 therapy sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder.

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[PoyTroy]

“No one falls in love faster, then a narcissist who needs a place to stay “

[secondhorizon]

Acting the innocent person, the victim, the martyr, the aggrieved, the hard-put-upon, the eternal sufferer, the righteous crusader forced by circumstance to take up arms against evil, the angel.

[melissacole]

1.Never trust anyone that tries to convince you of who they are!
2. Don't explain your own sense of character, because they'll try to mirror you.
3. Cherish your privacy. They'll want to hear every dirty detail about your life. They cannot relate, and DO NOT HAVE THE ABILITY TO EMPATHIZE. Everything you say will be held against you.
4. Don't gossip! Period!
5. Don't let anyone manipulate your time with family and friends.
6. Don't give second chances after the first sign of disrespect.
7. Don't ever accept passive aggressive comments as being a joke. They purposely try to provoke negative reactions and emotions.
8. Don't break prior arrangements, obligations or plans with friends and family to spend time with a new, love interest . They will try to isolate you from any support system.
9. Keep your friends, family and job separate from a new love interest until after they have, undeniably proven themselves to be loyal and trustworthy. They CAN and WILL turn people you love against you.
10. Be aware of how they talk about their own family and friends. Are they painting them in a negative light? Remember, their friends and family will be their flying monkeys.
11. Don't be flattered by jealousy, that's a control tactic.
12. Talking about exes should be a deal breaker. That's inappropriate, when starting a new relationship. The past should stay in the past and no one needs "validation"from a personal relationship that didn't work out, it creates insecurities and triangulation. Emotionally mature people heal and move on.
13. If you haven't healed from a prior relationship, don't date until you have rebuilt a solid sense of self and independence. Rebounds aren't fair for anyone involved and it just leads to codependency.
I've been a narc magnet my whole life and I've finally had enough of being a people pleaser.
The healing process and finding yourself again is more rewarding than trying to mold yourself into being someone's ideal of who and how you should be for them.

[wisegentle]

it always boils down to "you owe me servitude". They always revert to a bully.

[judymacdonald]

Narcissists are wolves in sheep’s clothing

[fred.k]

Covert narcissist publicly and privately are not the same.

[saratemp]

They butter you up, until they think you are hooked. Then they get busy showing you that you are a second class citizen and only exist to serve them.

[maidenmarian]

They do favors, give gifts, celebrate you at first, but then....
You have to do everything they want, you must admire them... and they need to be adored by you, you have to become their YES person. Their servant!!

[caralee]

Manipulation. Love bombing will always be the first indicator. A covert narcissist is tricky to spot without knowing the signs. They can be kind, they can be sincere and they will be charming but, it’s a tactic to lure you in. This is why it’s always good to be guarded at the beginning and to keep healthy boundaries. You don’t have be on high alert all the time, but it’s good to have that guard on stand by for when red flags appear. Since we are looking for a potential partner it’s easy to get caught up in the romance period. Everything seems so perfect. I call it punch drunk love(‘m borrowing that phrase).

We can be so blindsided and intoxicated by it that we ignore the red flags. And even though manipulation is done by anyone trying to attract a partner, the wrong kind of manipulation will be salted with exploitation and abuse: mind games, silent treatment, hot and cold behavior, bread crumbs etc.All things to be wary of early on. A healthy individual will have a healthy boundary. They will be a decent listener(They don’t have to be a spectacular listener, but a good listener is always desired, but this is situational due to possible trauma or other issues that don’t relate to behavior disorders). They will be accepting and they will understand their own flaws and be accepting of other’s.

An unhealthy individual without boundaries will look to move really fast. Be super complimentary. They will keep the focus on you for the initial bait—who doesn’t like it when the focus is on them? We all do but, for the covert this is all a ploy. A ruse. A tactic to ensnare their victim and it works. They know it does because it works every time, at least for those without healthy boundaries. We all could work on our boundaries. There’s a lot of codependents out there and it’s surprisingly common and if you’re here you likely have work to do. I sure do. It won’t take long to spot the holes in their tactics. If you start to feel uncomfortable with a certain comment, or maybe you feel judged or gauged, then they’re working an angle.

And if you know about the signs this will be fairly quick to spot. Not all criticisms are meant to be hurtful or exploitative though. It all depends on the situation and how they are conveyed. The issue is when they’re probing and are searching for flaws to exploit later, and it won’t take long before they start employing it. The covert is always the victim and you will hear very little about where they could improve their life. They’re “set”. They’re “perfect” but they won’t outright say it, you will get that vibe though. If you’ve been targeted by one then you have something they want. A hole that you will mostly certainly fill. You’ve been objectified(Yes, everyone wants to find someone to compliment their lives, but the covert will use it to fulfill their needs and only their needs, there’s no “you” in it). You will soon have the feeling of not being tended to. There should always be a healthy balance but, with NPDs there’s never a healthy balance and that’s how you spot them. Even if they’re not true NPD types it’s still toxic and therefore you want to tread carefully.

[gwillis]

It sounds like the narcissist thinks of a relationship as a long con.

[JessicaJLandi]

These deceptive people gain your trust by appearing like you. If you are open, honest & transparent...they purposefully appear the same way. I've learned the hard way: Time will tell. Trust is earned.

[colleen]

Duped for 27 years. He did unbelievable damage to me and our children. Gratefully, through intense therapy and education, I have clarity. Unfortunately, our children don't believe that their father is a monster in disguise, even though they all suffer from anxiety, prior substance abuse, and periodic depression. I don't blame them though, since I was duped for decades. I can only love and support them going forward. It's so hard.

[shaneerasmus]

They'll disguise themselves as angels of light

[josiah]

My mother was a covert narcissist. In her mind, I already "owed' her by age 10 for the years of effort she put into raising me. Actually, not all that much effort, but in her mind I'm sure it was. Even as an adult, she would say in all seriousness, "You told me that when you got your driver's license, you would drive me anywhere I wanted to go." I told her that when I was five. She had an entire list of promises she had extracted from me as a child. She grew more nasty, manipulative, controlling and slanderous with every year she aged. She lived to be 94. I cut ties with her before that and did not discover she had died until over a year after the fact. All I felt, and still feel, is relief that she is gone.

[debscornercanada]

It can take DECADES to learn they even EXIST.

[ryanunderwood]

They are demons with the devils spirit inside of them .

[cherylduckworth]

Their love or friendship is definitely transactional. Don't accept a gift from one you're going to owe the rest of your life

[dfinite]

The superior level of trickery is what makes it so scary. No matter how many narcissists I have known, it’s still so difficult to spot when they are working behind their mask.

[Bahbahlatje]

My narcissist ex used to put on a show of honesty and empathy. I actually bought into that version of him, but part of me didn't trust him and I couldn't explain it. When the relationship fell apart, I still had the version he sold to me of his honesty and empathy but it didn't align with his behavior. I remember asking myself who the hell had he been - over and over and over. It took me years before I could unravel who my covert narcissist ex had been. One thing that really helped me was to write a list of all the horrible things he had done to me. Then, every time a good memory popped up, I would repress the memory and bring up the memories of the bad things he had done. I did this over and over and over until my head and my heart were on the same page. He was a guy who did some nice things to ingratiate himself with me and he was a guy who did some pretty crappy, hurtful things -- things I didn't deserve. I also went to places we had gone to together with someone else - a friend, a family member - and created new memories in those places so I wouldn't associate him with those places. And I redecorated my house, so visually, it doesn't look the same anymore. I hardly ever think of him anymore and if his name pops up, my brain has no interest in mulling him over and just lets go of the thought.

[mcawesomest]

They never have a good day… every day is a stressed filled day of putting outs fires and solving problems that only they can handle. A constant martyr…