7 Signs You're Not Dealing With Your Grief and Loss

What happens when you don’t process your grief? What happens when you avoid dealing with loss? People say that time heals, but I would argue that it doesn’t unless you allow yourself to work through your pain little by little.

Now it’s clear that each person’s grief is unique, there isn’t a concrete set of steps you can do in order, there isn’t a time limit for mourning. But there is a big difference between working through stuff and not working through stuff. People who process their grief allow themselves to face their pain, even in small doses. They address their feelings, they may talk about them or write about them, they mourn. When someone doesn’t work through their pain, they try to distract themselves, they keep busy, they desperately avoid their pain, which in the long run leads to more pain. So we’re going to talk about 7 signs that you’re not processing your grief. And you’ll learn 3 ways to start to face your grief in small steps.

Recently I partnered with Sarah Engler, LCSW, to create a course called ”Understanding Grief and Loss”. She teaches how loss can stem from a loved one dying, but it can also come from many more situations- like a divorce, an expectation that doesn’t happen, a lifecycle change like aging or change in employment, and so many more situations where you may experience strong emotions about losing something you care about. Sarah does a great job explaining how not dealing with your loss can lead to these 7 signs.

Therapy in a Nutshell and the information provided by Emma McAdam are solely intended for informational and entertainment purposes and are not a substitute for advice, diagnosis, or treatment regarding medical or mental health conditions. Although Emma McAdam is a licensed marriage and family therapist, the views expressed on this site or any related content should not be taken for medical or psychiatric advice. Always consult your physician before making any decisions related to your physical or mental health.
In therapy I use a combination of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, Systems Theory, positive psychology, and a bio-psycho-social approach to treating mental illness and other challenges we all face in life. The ideas from my videos are frequently adapted from multiple sources. Many of them come from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, especially the work of Steven Hayes, Jason Luoma, and Russ Harris. The sections on stress and the mind-body connection derive from the work of Stephen Porges (the Polyvagal theory), Peter Levine (Somatic Experiencing) Francine Shapiro (EMDR), and Bessel Van Der Kolk. I also rely heavily on the work of the Arbinger institute for my overall understanding of our ability to choose our life's direction.

Copyright Therapy in a Nutshell, LLC

[nickdiaz]

Grief also makes you feel alone no matter how many people are around you

[cgravelle]

I lost my husband in 2018.
It is now 2022.
I have NEVER STOPPED crying .
I cry every single day, some days on and off and other days I cry all day and night.
My husband was the most
loving and giving human being. He loved me more than anyone else in my entire life. I gave that love back to him for 43 1/2
years.
I hate the things people say to me.
Some things are cruel and others want to make me feel bad about my longing for my husband. I cannot control my emotions.
I wish I could go back in time . I just want to hold him one more time and feel his arms around me.
I HAVE NEVER STOPPED LOVING HIM AND NEVER WILL.

[mariej]

For those of us who are naturally introverted, withdrawal is entirely normal, healthy and indeed necessary. Some of us find comfort in solitude and seek solace from within.

[frankendoll]

I still struggle with all of these 30 yrs. later. I buried a child and gave birth to another in the same week. Extremely difficult...never grieved properly. I believe some things aren't meant to get over...and it's OK. 💜🕊

[carmellarkin]

My 26 year old daughter died on February 8 2021. My younger sister who was my best support and comfort after this devastating loss died on March 29 2022. My daughter died from a haemorrhage caused by a brain tumour, my sister had breast cancer. I am truly drowning in grief. Every day is a battle just to keep going. The world has gone dark and silent. Thank you for this message. I hope I can work with these suggestions.

[terrywhite]

When dealing with a terminally ill close relative or a loss, when someone asks you "how are you doing" they don't actually want to know. They want you to say you're fine. If you say anything other than that, people get so uncomfortable that it's next to impossible to say anything else than what they want to hear.

[marlonstrachan]

I recently lost my mom, and sometimes I feel fine, and other days, I feel sad. People keep telling me that I need to get over it. Mom was my best friend, and when she died, she took a big piece of me with her. We lived in the same apartment together, and going and coming home from work is hard because she always sat in her chair, watching me leave and come home. Sometimes, I would blame myself because if I had been off that day, she would have been alive. Many times, I would cry myself to sleep at night. Yesterday, I was on my way to work, and I started crying my eyes out in front of people. Mom was the one I talked to about any little thing. My life will never be the same anymore.

[august]

Grief never goes away, my mother has been dead for almost 12 years and I’m still crying about it. you can manage your grief but you can’t make it go away.

[adriennedunne]

I don't believe we ever quite "get over" the loss of a loved one. We come to terms with it. It changes us and we learn to adapt. I don't believe we should forget that person. When we deal with that grief we can remember the good memories of them. Pain can still need there but it can be manageable I've found. It's a part of life.

[lovingthisagain]

#1 Compulsive behaviors
#2 Withdrawal from relationships
#3 Overfunctioning
#4 Irritability
#5 Persistent sleep issues
#6 Physical symptoms
#7 Mental health symptoms

[dragonwithagirltattoo]

I lost my dad, stepdad, grandma, aunt and uncle in less than 18 mos. That was 20 years ago. It changed me forever. I still grieve. The loss was too big. My mother passed a little under a year ago and now I’m alone. I feel like an orphan but I’m not a child. Weird.

[kathleengill]

Grief loss is not just a death. It can be when a husband or wife leaves you, or a child who won’t have anything to do with you, losing a much loved pet.

[bb]

I'm reading through all these comments and wanting to reply to all of you who are grieving and in pain. I'm so very sorry for all of your losses and the immense pain you are going through. Know that you are not alone, that I, and so many others care about you and what you're going through, and that there is help and hope out there. Wishing for peace and comfort for everyone.

Thank you, Emma for this very helpful video
❤

[laurenbaker]

Imagine if all therapists were this competent😅. Grateful I found this channel.

[dhenderson]

My father didn't deal with the loss of my brother (his son) at all well.

We had a small business, and he went back to work, and would never talk about it or discuss it. He used distractions to not deal with it.

He had a heart attack around 18 months later, after working harder than he ever did, not dealing with his emotions.

I am convinced that part of it was "broken heart syndrome" and that if my brother never died, he wouldn't have either.

[jameshalliday]

I developed severe PTSD after my son took his life 4 years ago on my 55th birthday. I've had so many losses since then, I even ended up in hospital last fall for mental health issues. Men aren't supposed to hurt, that's why we are self destructive, drink too much, work too much and die early. I'm seeking out professional help, but there still are days where I feel as if I'm in a living hell. I barely have what it takes to do my job some days, I feel like everything is coming at me a hundred miles an hour. I miss joy without strings attached.

[dishokaur]

My husband passed away 4 Months ago.Im so lost without him.
Time just seems to stand still.
The grieving is every day & no matter how you try your emotions are uncontrollable.You never think it's going to happen to you & when it does you think your the only one.
Anyone who has lost a loved one I'm so sorry for your loss 😢

[heatherwall]

Took me over 15yrs to grieve the loss of my dad…he’s the only man I felt ever cared about me. 🙏❤️

[lexie]

Signs you’re not processing grief:
1. Compulsive behaviors
2. Withdrawal from relationships
3. Over-functioning
4. Irritability
5. Persistant sleep issues
6. Physical symptoms emerge
7. Mental health issues worsen

Tools to deal with grief:
1. Pendulation— lean into/out of emotion as needed
2. Resourcing— adding support as you process grief
3. Titration— do things in small doses (set time limits)

Lost my mom May 4, 2022 and it’s been so hard. My heart goes out to anyone navigating the dark waters of grief. You’re not alone 💕

[GratefulDeb]

69 yrs old and dealing with a lifetime of neglect & loss. Art therapy is saving me, one day at a time. Plus lots of excellent trauma teachers, meditation, a grief buddy, and my journal. Ty for this video! ❤