Cptsd Why Can't I Feel My Feelings |Feeling Numb Dissociated Detached

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[lisalambert]

I learned from a young age that my feelings caused more pain. It was a weakness to be attacked. My mom would hit me till I stopped crying, so I would never cry, no matter what. In 2019 I had a break through and I was crying all the time for nothing, I believe I as crying and feeling for all those times I was unable to, I was healing.

[SMPLJoe]

Things that used to bring a crazy amount of joy to me do not bring even the smallest amount of joy anymore, But the thing is I don't feel SAD... I just don't feel anything, its just like a empty hole. IDK if anyone can relate but that's how I always feel.

[Chris-]

This!! I've been wondering for 2 years now why I just don't feel anything anymore. Not happy, or sad, or excited or bored. I'm just a void. Not like me.

[Jessica-Jasmine-Green]

I been numb most of my life, but yes, feelings feel like death to me. Nice to know I'm not alone.

[HaleyMary]

When I think back on my life, I have gotten messages from my mom and some friends to not be so sensitive and so I ended up suppressing my emotions for decades and I'm actually afraid to express my feelings of sadness because I've been shamed so many times for feeling that way.

[ladybaabaa]

Wow, this video is making me emotional.

My parents aren't and weren't narcissists at all, and they love and loved me unconditionally. This is why I didn't even realise I had CPTSD and trauma until 6 months ago. And I'm 42 years old now.

When I was 4, my dad began drinking. There's a very long and severe history of alcoholism and addiction on his side of my family. He would drink every weekend, get drunk, be verbally abusive to my mum (never me), and it was a nightmare that continued on for 10 years. I hated the weekends, lived with hyper vigilance, scared to fall asleep before my parents did in case something bad happened.

Up until age 5-6, I made my feelings very clear to my dad, that I did NOT like it when he was drunk. It made no difference though. At the time, he was nice but not "all there" as he was, after all, drunk. So unconsciously I must have felt dismissed, as you can't really grasp as a 5 or 6 year old the fact that your dad is unable to change, or be what you need, or do what you want, or that he can't help being addicted no matter how much you show and tell him you don't like it.

Add to that the fact that a few times I would express more obvious resentment and then feel guilty, and then when I was 5, my grandma (my dad's mum) died of complications of alcoholism. My dad grew up with major trauma, he woke up once at age 10 to find his mum trying to smother him with his pillow while she was drunk. When she wasn't drunk, she was great (so was my dad). One night a few weeks after my grandma died, I came into the kitchen to find my dad sitting at the table in partial darkness drinking from a box of wine and crying. I didn't know what to do and was scared, so I left quietly, unnoticed.

It made me really sad. I realised it was bigger than what I thought.

So eventually, by age 6-7 I stopped showing my displeasure. I noticed this made me feel better. No longer guilty. I didn't want my dad to feel like I didn't love him. I felt bad for him, but I also, moreso, felt bad for my mum. It was the worst thing for me to see the 2 people I loved most in the world fighting, and to see my dad yelling at my mum and threatening her (never physically). I was very loyal to my mum. We were sort of in it together. I'm an only child. I wished my dad would turn on me instead of my mum. It would've hurt less.

I began the routine balancing act of trying to never show anger or upset at or about my dad, whilst also showing loyalty, understanding and stoic wisdom to my mum. I was also the distractor, the peacemaker, and the benign funny clown.

I didn't want my mum to worry about me. So I stopped showing ANY negative emotions pretty much. They embarrassed me. Because they would mean that I had needs. And when I had tried to show my needs before, they weren't able to be met. So...it was embarrassing. And it still is.

I don't know who I am. I blame no one. I am eternally grateful that my dad stopped drinking when I was 14, and I know it's a complex situation, all of this stuff.

I was never expected to do any of the above. I didn't really give anyone a chance to meet my needs.

My mum and dad still think I'm this incredibly strong, wise, generally positive person who is never upset, sad or angry. And I can't stand the idea of showing them anything different. Not just because it'd be mortifying to me, but I really just don't want them to worry about me.

[lisalambert]

No not only childhood trauma but we were taught from childhood how to react or deal with things within or outside of us.

[WATCHOUTWARDEN]

Damn this explains why i have felt numb for years not knowing what i actually feel like i was always just meh

[luckycharm]

In my case, I started to observe myself and found that I am not letting myself feel. It's me now who has taken the role of my abusive care givers. I am still in the observation stage where I am seeing my patterns and conditioning but too afraid to feel anything. Though I feel ashamed of my behavior I feel grateful that atleast I realized this problem. All I want is to be vulnerable with myself. I want to feel safe with myself. I feel so tired and sick of all this conditioning. I want my life back.

[HipHop-vgcd]

Growing up in the south as a kid, whenever I was hurt and crying....I was told to "rub some dirt on it, you'll be alright". Also, "dry it up or I'll give you something to cry about". I also got my a$$ beat as well. This video makes a lot of sense, I was a doer and people pleaser until my 40's and I just stopped bc I saw how much I was being used and abused by everyone. God help us all! 🙏🏽

[Heather_ONeal]

I’m sort of all over the place for some reason, I’m either very emotional and crying or completely numb but the odd thing is that if someone was to ask me how I’m feeling I don’t have an answer, It’s such a strange thing to not know how you feel or even who you are, childhood trauma truly does take a lot out of you and has lifelong effects, it’s crazy that something that has the word “ childhood” in it ironically lasts a lifetime.

[ryangrundy]

When I was little my parents were very inconsistent. Like conditional “love”.
For my mom it depended on the mood she was in and other circumstances. Sometimes i undermine my own experiences until Michele says something that matches perfectly then it all comes back.

[reFocusZone]

I could actually FEEL you re-touching your own sensitive scars and subconscious pains of rejection during most of this session. It’s the same response that I’ve experienced during decades of emotional flashbacks. Yes, I too learned to avoid and ‘numb-out’ certain memories and emotions, just as you explain. The old saying that “time heals all wounds” is so NOT true! Only my faith in a living God has gotten me through my lifetime so far, the doctors and medical treatments alone were wholly insufficient.

[talr.]

I feel so seen watching this, I've never heard my experience described so accurately. I thought I was alone in the dissociation and shame and i didn't even know what I was experiencing was called emotional flashbacks. I'm so happy that I'm not alone in this. Thank you for making this video.

[dividedconquered]

I watched this with my son, he and I both have PTSD and numb feelings! These videos hurt sometimes! Thank you!🌷💚

[downhomegirl]

I don't have this due to childhood, I have it from being attacked, I'm not like a movie, I'm just very, very guarded.

[johnnicholson]

Michelle is so wise as well as beautiful. Listening to her gives real insight.

[holisticenergymedicineappr]

It is as if someone, my mom, would still be there, with an angry face because I want to play with the big waves at the beach, or if I don t call someone back, specially an important meeting, I feel a pull that scares me a bit... I believe communication is important, patience and forgiveness and learning skills to develop again.
Thanks🙋‍♀️
We are getting there!

[juananthonyporter]

I had a bit of both, in my childhood to adult hood.. I felt magical moments from Disney movies.. And crushes, and Mom loving us as kids, giving me candy... And there were also times my stepdad would hit me if i didnt do my homework right and my mom and stepdad arguing... I grew up believing men are negative, and women show love, and i needed to understand the balance... Now today iam in a better place, stopping addictions... And unwiring, rewiring, and hardwiring my brain into so many positive directions! I will continue to help my brain... And number 1, i believe in God❤

[carolcottle]

Stoicism; disregard for our own feelings was taught by Carl Jung and that's how our parents in the 1950's believed and planted INDEPENDENCE in us. I saw I would never have a child of my own because I hated the cruelty of my parents who by the way where narcissistic and the other jealous. Damn terrible and they wonder why we left at 16yrs and never returned.