Has CPTSD from Childhood Trauma Damaged Your PERCEPTION?

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[richardlong]

Anna... i have only discovered CPTSD and your videos 3-4 days ago, I knew i had something, I just wasn't sure what.?. My thought patterns are distorted.?. I aways figured i just had trouble with processing the situation/information, because most of the time it could take me longer to make a decision/decide, come to a conclusion.?. Sometimes after days of deliberation depending on the intensity of the issue and if i had experienced (as you say) emotional flashbacks!!!... just after viewing several of your videos I have been feeling so validated that I'm feeling like there is a glimpse of light at the end of this 62 year long.?. "tunnel of ???" A thousand words of description... Thank You... for your efforts

[thedudegrowsfood]

Some of us are like cats tortured as kittens, we turn "feral", and will no longer trust humans, and avoid them if at all possible.

[lacy]

3:45-57! Spot on. I always moved away from "normies" and befriended people who were more traumatized than me because they seemed more authentic, more creative, more alive. At home "normal" meant controlling and out of touch, having an unchallenged ego and a "better than" attitude. Now I see this generalized misperception as the result of parental narcissism.

[magua]

I had a weird perception of being weaker than everyone else even though that wasn't the case. During therapy my therapist explained that that's because a childhood of conflict with an adult taught me that I'm weaker and my adult brain reverts back to that. Takes a lot of work to shake that perception as an adult.

[sarastepp]

This rings SOOOO true for me! ...The doubting of perceptions, the intermittent distortion of perceptions, the devaluation of gut instincts and boundaries... The oversharing of personal details, the recoil and isolation... Living in some alternate universe just outside of reality... Once in a great while, I find moments of feeling like I'm actually present and grounded in the current reality, and it's a strange, comforting experience. Like, oh, is this how healthy people feel most of the time? Is this why they're not exhausted and anxious and reactive and terrified and spiraling from shame and fear and vulnerability? It's a rare moment, but when it happens, it gives me hope that I might be able to overcome some of the patterns of damage and distortion in my programming.

[gina]

The worst part about this is definitely not knowing the difference between gut feelings and anxiety. I can never tell the difference and it’s messing with my life. I have an opportunity right now that’s actually exciting in theory but I have an off feeling or anxiety and I can’t tell the difference and now I have no clue what I should be doing. It’s Terrible

[hiridavidfeign]

In my twenties I used to be drawn to "characters, " larger-than-life people who were fun to be with, until eventually I discovered when I needed something real, characters had no character. Always grateful for your videos. They really help. Thanks.

[resistancewriter]

My adoptive mother was a sociopath. She gaslighted the social workers into believing that she was this caring person who would raise me with love and attention. From the age of 7 (when I was adopted) to 21 when I finally managed to break free, I was her possession; her chosen victim. She intentionally made my life hard and difficult. She was sadistic. She felt nothing for me and showed no remorse for the hurt she caused. I self isolate to protect myself because there really are people who can pick up on my vulnerability and try to exploit it. It's happened too many times in adulthood for me to discern between people being genuinely nice and people wearing a mask. Hypervigilance is a resource. Keeping everyone at a distance is self-preservation. Am I lonely? No. Wouldn't it be nice to get out and have meaningful relationships? You have got to be kidding.

[nihilisticmonkeydancing]

Everything you say, can and WILL be used against you. Living is like being in Court 24/7...

[bibofmahatti]

My mother drank. Ever since I can think she was addicted. Only much later in my adult live did I realize far more damaging than her drinking was her entourage telling me that it is not true, that I am wrong, an ungrateful and bad boy, how dare you be so disrespectful ... So for long I wouldn not trust my perception anymore or thought I had any at all ... Thank you Fairy for your videos, they are highly appreciated. Bless you.

[mjcard]

In my case, I believe my mom was traumatized and then I was traumatized in turn by her. I knew some details of her early life, and felt sad for her and believed she couldn’t be held responsible for her behaviour as an adult. I thought that because I understood her, that I was immune to her negligence and judgements and temper. It didn’t feel good but I imagined a time would come when I would no longer be in her presence much and I’d be free and healthy. I really was stupefied when as an adult I couldn’t function socially. I didn’t know that I’d been twisted and that I had no idea how healthy people think or act or expect to be treated. I didn’t know what was going on. It’s been a life project and I’m still not entirely clear. What a waste of many lives. Who started this inter-generational mind F### anyway? My sisters are no better off BTW.

[biondna]

This is one of your videos I watch over and over, to drive home some of the most critical challenges I've long had: that I often don't know when to shut up already about myself and what I go through, to people I JUST met who haven't yet demonstrated they're ready for this info, while feeling desperate to be understood; to trust those who've demonstrated they're trustworthy and not "up to something;" and, as you say, learning to trust those with whom I can't relate well immediately, when they don't have a history like my family and me, of substance abuse, so "how could they possibly know what life is about." At 68, I've identified as "weird" so long, it's hard for me to build rapport with "normal" people. Even when they clearly value me. I've isolated myself in my own head by my "weirdness." I'm NOT weird; I'm a decent human being with some crossed wires. Thank you for putting all this into words.

[Siobahn]

I had a physically, verbally, emotionally, and sexually abusive childhood that when I did reach out for help it was never met with any resolution or help...the church the police cps ect...this has led me to a lifetime of abusive relationships and no sense of self worth, or control in changing my life for the better...It's also prevented me from reaching out for the help that I so desperately deserved and needed because I felt that noone cared and that I didn't deserve to be happy, heard and understood...Thank you for your compassionate and understanding to those of us who have been broken down by people and life and giving us the tools to rebuild, heal, and find our true selves

[vickihopkins]

this is one reason I am always asking my therapist is this "normal"? Even at 71 I still struggle with perception/s, relationships, etc. This is lifelong work.

[stevec]

I believe that my perceptions went off course as a result of believing that I WAS my trauma - that I deserved to have been rejected, shamed, not valued. This did not stem from family issues per se, but from my perception about myself and the world post trauma. My trauma was a grade retention, not an inner family crisis. Today, my self perception has improved greatly, yet is still drawn back to trauma when triggered by challenging current events. My gut feeling tends toward fear with each and every new setback; I view all changes as setbacks...things to fear...a disruption to my 'norm'. Clinging to a painful past, not letting it go fully, is my current focus for improvement. Others see something new with healthy anticipation, with curiosity, with a self-empowered gusto. I will, too.

[helenmorgan]

Every day I am more thankful for your insights. At 72 years old there was never anyone I could be honest about the fear and hatred of myself that festered inside me. It came out in multiple health issues. Even as old family relationship are crumbling, I see the glimmer of hope. God bless you and the work you do. You have provided a life line that I could not see.

[abelstrd]

Everything I was taught as a child was a lie. Something as simple as crying, crying I was told is a weakness or painting and drawing is a waste of time.

[shannonsmulian]

Oh god. Its such a minefield. I've done all these things. Its so hard. Im in my 50s and only learnt I have CPTSD afer a break up and break down. Thank you for this validation. I am constanty trying to be in reality now. Its the only way that feels safe

[hallierose]

I feel like I can’t heal until my parents die and that’s a can of worms that makes me feel like shit because my job was to always make sure everyone was okay in the house. Why am I 30 and still taking care of my parents emotional needs above my own. I don’t even know me/who I am so that’s a lot to unpack in and of itself.
Thank you for your videos, I am spiraling tonight and these are helping more than you know

[rachs]

Dear Fairy....my father would always tell us, "don't do as I do, do as I say" He was a violent alcoholic, the life was so horrific my last therapist said my life was 'simply a tragedy.' So yes, my perceptions were and remain so skewed I now live alone. Not lonely, it's actually a relief at my age (68). Thank you for all you do here.