How To Make An Avoidant Ex Miss You

Diagnosing Your Ex As An Avoidant:

The calling card here is a lack of intimacy. They’ll either avoid it altogether or keep their partners at a distance.
A lot of people think that someone with an avoidant attachment will avoid relationships altogether but this is simply not true.
They do form relationships they simply find ways of staying distant within the confines of the relationship.
You see this a lot when it comes to expressing emotions or dealing with conflict.
They’ll withdraw or simply avoid it.
I’d even go as far as saying that they have a pretty big mistrust in depending on others in relationships.
The avoidant type would often perceive themselves as ‘lone wolves’: strong, independent, and self-sufficient; not necessarily in terms of physical contact, but rather on an emotional level.
Underlying everything with an avoidant attachment style is a deep fear of getting too close.

Empathize First Before Worrying About Making Them Miss You:

They want connection like everyone else, but their deepest fear is that love and closeness come at the cost of personal freedom. They will worry that the other person is investing in the relationship more than they are and begin to feel engulfed. While they want a relationship, because it's hard to express their needs they fear being controlled or told who they should be, and fear disappointment and instability. Inherently if someone likes them and starts to lean on them, they don't believe they will be able to live up to their partner's needs or expectations. As a result relationships quickly become obligating, guilt-ridden and burdensome. For a while they may pretend to be in the relationship while secretly hoping their partner will leave them.

What Works Best To Make Avoidants Miss You:

- Avoidants are free to long for an ex once that person is unavailable out of the relationship, and typically out of contact so they are untouched by actual engagement and their deactivation systems aren’t triggered, revealing their long-suppressed attachment and switching their operating attachment wound from the fear of engulfment to fear of abandonment.

- With every interaction a low-level disruption to the avoidant auto-regulatory system with the potential to bring up uncomfortable emotions or guilt, the less engaged in contact someone is, the more 'missable' they may in fact be (conversely keeping in contact may keep the idea the ex is on the back-burner, and the avoidant can continue to deny the loss of an attachment figure).

- Without the danger of reciprocity (so particularly after an ex has moved on), liberation from the fear of engulfment finally gives free reign to an avoidant's latent romanticism. An ex being truly unavailable may even produce a perverse enjoyment - they are at liberty to fully miss and think wistfully of them while it also confirms their self-belief people won't stick around them (sometimes in relationships they may imagine their partner with another to trigger this)

- This post-relationship longing is often after they fail to find an emotional bond with new prospects (as is likely) and long after the original relationship has gone stale.

[lovielove]

Avoid avoidant partners, you will beg for the bare minimum.. Run for your sanity

[doubleboy]

I'm Fn sick of playing games. Figuring out attachment styles, and figuring out different tactics to do this or that. All I wanna do it find someone who loves me and will never give up. And we can go through life together.

[UncleBensChannel]

Loving someone with an Avoidant Attachment style is like banging your head against a brick wall, over and over again.

[krisgi]

The best way to get over an avoidant ex (and I am the dumper) is to watch a ton of these videos, one after the other.... and just see the work that needs to be done: Do you have a chance? Do they care? Are they FA or DA? How much space should you give them? How much space should you not give them? On and on.... I actually feel like vomiting... 

No one is worth this much mental and emotional energy.... so, anytime I miss my FA/DA/WTF Avoidant ex BF of 9 years, I just binge-watch... Makes me so happy that I am moving on, slowly but surely. I understand now why his ex-wife was barely civil to him.

[stevet]

Once an avoidant breaks up with you they act like you were never together and cold and resentful. I was with one for over 6 months and it was great. Then boom done. Craziest thing.

[markhunt]

Learning about Attachment styles makes a lot of sense as to how my previous relationship fell apart, but dating an avoidant is like a full time job with their inconsistent bullshit.

[sxylala]

It doesn't work. Even if they do miss you/come back, they will pull away again, & again, & AGAIN, once they see they got you again. They need extensive therapy to help their childhood wounds. Nothing else will work, them coming back ISN'T ABOUT YOU, it's about them feeling lonely. Nothing more. Mine came back numerous times, I finally responded & he lacked total accountability for everything, including his selfish disappearing. Then like clockwork, retreated & ignored me. Now I'm forever done. Good luck to everyone who is or has dealt with these individuals. ❤

[jillainenewman]

You don't want these people back, folks. I know because I've been in love with them. Very few experiences can match the pain of being in love with someone with an avoidant attachment style. If they are gone, be kind to yourself and find someone capable of loving you.

[Lanestunes]

My Avoidant was able to go to" I love you so much", to leaving over nothing and then wanting to be friends a month later as if the relationship of a year on and off never happened. He has been reaching out more as " friends" but still has his avoidant mode going on. It is the hardest thing letting go of these people because they really make you think they love you so much they would never leave you. I think they love as much as they can and then are able to run and detach quick. It is sad for them because yes they have past traumas they do not try and deal with but also horrible for ones who fall in love with them and would do anything for them.

[magau]

The thing with avoidant attachment style people is they shove things under the rug and they never want to solve a damn thing. They think that the next day is just brand new and never mention it ever again. Things don’t get solved that way. And then when you say some thing that they don’t like they will either try to ignore you for about three weeks or just end the relationship constantly and ask for everything back even the things that they’ve given you. Its…..it’s painful. They need more alone time than anyone else on this planet and they prefer relationships where you don’t have to bother with the other person so much. It’s sad that anxious and avoidant seem to attract each other because anxious needs to have that comfort

[jennawhitman]

this basically made me realize i dont want this person to miss me. thanks.

[melvaughn]

The problem with these videos is that it puts the avoidant partner first, instead of deciding what is healthy for you! The only advice people need is this: There are plenty of fish in the sea and lots of potential soul mates out there. If someone is avoidant, drop them and find a secure partner who will treat you amazing. No need to play games! It's not worth a life of misery. Why would you treat yourself that way? Find a secure partner! They exist! You just need to put your needs/wants first. NOT stratagems for bringing a TOXIC person back!

[Manifestingdreamer]

Run from DA’s. Unless they go deep into therapy, I just don’t think change is possible. They will leave you questioning your worth with their emotional ambiguity and disappearing acts when you ask for your needs or question the dynamic -which will surely be unbalanced. I have never had such a confusing experience before. Don’t get stuck in their pattern. Don’t chase, let them go.

[kozyx]

I don't want my avoidant ex back. It was her avoidance that caused us to break up in the first place, it's not like she suddenly became secure in the last few months. If I took her back, there is no doubt in my mind we would go down the same road and let me tell you, I never experienced so much pain in a relationship than I did trying to get this person to love and want me. I never want to go through that again. I felt more alone with her than I do now being actually alone.
EDIT: It has now been two years and I have been working on myself ever since, I've made a lot of progress in becoming secure and I don't agree with everything I said in this comment. Especially when I said "trying to get them to love and want me" I have learned since he that you cannot love someone into loving you. While I blamed her avoidance for our breakup I have since accepted the fact that my anxious attachment was just as much to blame. This person and I have maintained a great friendship and intimacy since then.

[prove_it]

Safe to say, book the therapist the day you start dating an avoidant.

[deheyyo]

I feel like crying when everyone here watched this video commented they dont want their avoidance ex back. My eyes wide opened that we deserve a way better. If they want they will come for us, we dont need all these strategies. But, these helps us relieve our anxiety. Hugs for those in healing process, you are not alone <33

[EllieM_Travels]

Unless you’re a fellow avoidant, don’t try to get an avoidant back. It won’t work because someone will have to stop being themselves in order for the other to be happy.

[tmystery]

I don't want them back. I want them to miss me, beg for me and I give them NOTHING 🤣

[joannedomingo]

He’s an ex for a reason. 6 months of hot and cold in and out. Sick and tired of it. I stayed quiet for 2 weeks and he came to my door. After a week he went back to his old habits. I’m done.

[clarissariggio]

So accurate! lol As I'm watching, I'm thinking: this is too much work, f--- this! We (anxious) basically have to carry the relationship on our exhausting!