The Covert Narcissist: What You Need To Know - The Terri Cole Show

When you think about a narcissist what comes to mind?

Do you think of the life of the party bragging about their accomplishments to anyone who will listen? Or someone out there seducing people with their considerable charms only to torture them once they are caught in their narc web?

That’s only part of the story. While what is familiar to most of us is the profile of a publicly overt or grandiose narcissist, there’s another type…the covert or vulnerable narcissist.

In this episode, you’ll learn the top 10 signs to help you spot a covert narcissist, because this personality type can be even trickier and more insidious than the overt narc.

This kind of narcissist might be flying under the radar because they can come off as shy or even awkward unlike what we typically might think characterizes these personality types. Raising your awareness is the first step to proactively protecting yourself!

TIME STAMPS:
0:00 - Intro
2:22 - What are the qualities of an overt narcissist?
3:30 - What are the qualities of a covert narcissist? (Shy + highly sensitive)
4:45 - Vulnerable narcissists have grandiose fantasies and are easily jealous
6:17 - Vulnerable narcissists are passive aggressive and subtly believe they're superior
8:18 - Covert narcissists cannot empathize, but they're good at pretending they do
9:57 - Covert narcissists hold grudges and want to exact revenge
11:00 - Vulnerable narcissists believe life is unfair to them; everything is negative
13:00 - Vulnerable narcissists also have a lot of anxiety and depression
14:14 - Why narcissism is so insidious and isolating

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ABOUT TERRI COLE
Terri Cole is a licensed psychotherapist, global relationship and empowerment expert, and the author of Boundary Boss-The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen and (Finally) Live Free.

For over two decades, Terri has worked with a diverse group of clients that includes everyone from stay-at-home moms to celebrities and Fortune 500 CEOs.

CONNECT ON SOCIAL

#terricoleshow #narcissism #covertnarcissist

[terri_cole]

Lemme know below: what did you learn from this video? What are you thinking? Have you had a relationship with a vulnerable narc before?

[anothercat]

Coverts also triangulate a lot. They tell us about other people who comforted them today, who entertained them, invited them to a dinner. Making us compete to take care of them, comfort, compliment, pulling them up etc.

Very exhausting.

Thank you for a great video.

[mariselamoreno]

Hi Terri, You just described my covert narcissist of 30 years! They abuse their intimate partners & children, everyone else thinks their kind and generous. The passive aggression wears you down. The constant undermining. Finally left him after 30 years of emotional abuse.

[kmartens]

I worked for one for years, and the emotional drain was intense. Only being away from it now for a few months I realized the toll it took on my own mental health. No more walking on eggshells!!

[agirl]

This was a perfect explanation of what it’s like to live with a vulnerable narc. It is insidious and very difficult to detect. You just know there’s something going on and your body is feeling it as well.

[will_Iam]

I am married to a vulnerable narcissist and every point you make is spot on, especially the part where you talk about the negativity. I am about to do something about it, an appointment with an attorney next week. The thing is that with a vulnerable narcissist you can be stuck in this relationship for decades before you piece together what is really wrong (25 years before I figured it out). The vindictiveness is what I am most afraid of right now, so I am getting out bit by bit without alerting her to what I am doing. I really hope that a lot of people view this video, since it might just help someone avoid being stuck for as long as I was. Thank you for putting this out there.

[mats]

The overwhelmingly exhausting negativity of the covert narcissist also comes with an underlying message that it's your fault they are not happy. You are not working hard enough for them.

[battfamily]

They are the most miserable, self-hating snd loathing, passive aggressive, vindictive, boring energy vsmpires. And they mirror OUR empathy to others. I think they seek empathetic people to feel what it's like to have real emotions and help them navigate the world they simply can never authentically know. Victim victim victim. They are so boring!!!

[GSDXephyr]

I ended up feeling responsible for him, like he "needs" me to protect his fragile vulnerability. All while he treated me like his mommy, took me for granted, used me as a tool/ toy, sucked up all of my time and thoughts trying to make him happy, buying him things, doing things for him that he could do for himself. All the while complaining to anyone who would listen when I wasn't in earshot about how "mean" and "angry" I am to poor little him all the time. And going to other women because he got "scared and confused" about his emotions. ugh.

[onazna]

My brother is a covert narc. My breaking point was listening him sharing his latest detailed victim story to his close friend who burried his father an hour earlier. Such lack of empathy, respect and concideration of a person in grief. Unbelievable

[obscurum]

Covert narcissists also love bomb, invalidate, discard and hoover, they are just usually more introverted about it. So while an overt narc might love bomb with gifts, nights out and physical looks the covert narc will love bomb with fake emotions and instant intimacy, they might say you are their soul mate etc.

[susanmcmahon]

Was married to a Covert Narrisist for 28yrs, he portrayed perfect husband outside the house but BY GOD behind closed doors wss COMPLETELY DIFFERENT, Now divorced and live in PEACE

[martamarino]

I'd never thought a narcissist could be anything but flashy... Definitely helpful. This part really got my attention: when you say a covert narcissist will pretend they care if you're in pain, but it's just a means to get their narcissistic supply. So they'll mirror your pain and even your tears, but that'll just keep everything going as it is. I can relate to this.

[anneblakely]

I always knew my dad was a narcissist but there was a couple things that never added up, but he checks all the boxes for Covert Narcissism and now it makes sense. Thank you!

[agnesblack]

Used to be a covert narc until I got proper therapy. DBT therapy helped the most.

[totious]

I remember being so exhausted in a conversation once that I just said to them, "Conversations with you are exhausting!" They were not very happy about it and I felt like the rude one. It's just confusing and makes me think I am crazy. It's like they don't have an identity and they keep changing it so you can't know really anything about them. Thankful for finding people like Terri to keep my brain straight. We're not the problem, they are!

[em]

Thank you, this rings so true. I just had brain surgery and my mam has made it all about her. How hard it is for her, that I’m having surgery. I just got out the hospital and she isn’t speaking to me because I haven’t made her feel important enough while I was in the hospital - and of course the filing cabinet of everything I’ve ever done to upset her is opened at the opportunity (including that I didn’t have the tv on loud enough last Christmas 🤯, deliberately to make her feel unwelcome in my home - not true at all). It’s so mind boggling that when I tell other people they think I’m exaggerating or I’ve misunderstood. No one understands, which is why Terri’s videos are so important to me. They give me validation that I’m not the problem and have helped me to understand that I’ve been hoping for a motherly relationship I’ll never receive.

[raptorfalconry]

My mother was a covert narcissist and I agree, they are more dangerous and damaging. I always felt something was very wrong with her and her treatment of me my entire life but it wasn’t until I was nearly 50 and she died that I finally realized that she was a covert narcissist. Her damage to my childhood and growing up created a life in which I married an overt narcissist that ruined my life. I was subjected to many narcissistic people throughout my adulthood and even was lambasted by a communal narcissist. That was the one that I never saw coming and I think are the most destructive and dangerous; this person robbed me blind and took me and everything I worked hard for back to square one and even negative ground to make up. I went into deep learning about myself so I could learn how I was attracting all these narcissists. One is because I’m an empath and HSP, I seem to attract them as well as being somewhat codependent…people pleasing leftover from avoiding my mother’s rage.

[LeZigzag]

Thank you! I was extremely confused about a friend of mine who is so fragile and has so many legit problems and feels so bad about herself. I’d been overlooking some subtle things but woke up when she got blatantly passive-aggressive when I told her I was not in a position to stay with her after a surgery. That had shocked me since I had explained just how much it would cost me physically and financially to be there. A therapist told me she is a narcissist and I couldn’t make any sense of that at first because I’d only been aware of the grandiose kind. I have ME/CFS (like long Covid, but not from Covid) and during the few days she wasn’t talking to me I noticed I had more energy (still maybe only at 50% of normal, but that’s a significant boost from only 40%), so it felt very validating when you said how exhausting it is. I had had no idea I was expending that much energy. It’s been over 4 months since I pulled back from her, but I still struggle with guilt and confusion sometimes because she does have so many physical health problems and a hard life story. But she does this thing where she’ll slant a valid issue to be worse than it is, so I feel bad for her but I also resent the dishonesty in that and realize I can’t be responsible for her problems.

[PeterShaw-neyq]

I have experienced their lack of empathy and their acting as if!
It was the first characteristic of a narc that caught me by surprise - zero gratitude, in large amounts for favours extended to them