A Covert Narcissist's Long Game

Narcissists are masters of disguise, and this is especially true of covert narcissists who can go a long time before the fullness of their dysfunction is revealed. Dr. Les Carter describes how two patterns emerge over the passing of time, intermittent reinforcement and a slowly building trauma bond. Once you see these trends you will be positioned to take proper self-preserving actions.

It also is available on Google, Apple, Spotify, and Amazon.

Sign up for Dr. Carter's course: Ready, Set, Connect
Get 20% off when you use the coupon code: rsc20youtube

Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, TX. In the past 40+ years he has conducted more than 65,000 counseling sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder.

We receive commissions on referrals to BetterHelp. We only recommend services that we trust.

You can follow Surviving Narcissism on:
Twitter: @SNarcissism101
Instagram: @survivingnarcissism101
Facebook: @survivingnarcissism101

Dr. Carter has two other courses that you may find to be useful:

[TheForeverfree]

Someone said "The people going to counseling are there - because the ones who should be there don't go".

[MrAbsalomdavid]

The worst part about being with the narcissist is that you almost have to become a narcissist to get over them. It is such a horrible way to live

[shiny]

"Consistently inconsistent, reliably unreliable" is the best summary for covert narcissists💯🎯Most dangerous type of narcissism is exactly covert. They are kings/queens of dramas and extremely professional in shame-shifting, blame-shifting and any other kind of traps. It may be impossible to recognize them during a lifetime.Thanks for your precious efforts and contributions Dr. Carter 🙏🏻❤

[renebernays]

covert, narcissistic abuse ... one of the things that make it so difficult to deal with is that no one wants to believe you about what you're going through

[jswan]

The thing about covert narcs is how after years together, they don't care about you at all. At the end of a 4 year relationship you realize you were just a warm body filling up a space for them in their emptiness. It's soul-crushing. That's why being with a narc is so destructive emotionally, it's not all of the abuse, it's that you never mattered to them at all.

[carolkozikowski]

Shy, quiet, unassuming. My family thought he was such a good guy. When it was just us he was cold, envious of other people, sulky, unresponsive, and low energy. I became physically ill from his lies, coldness, and underhanded manipulation of everything. Run from the cover narcissist. They should come with a warning label

[Unebellecreole]

Unfortunately, I am married to a covert narcissist and what you described is EXACTLY what I have been experiencing. Your videos have helped me so much to see right through the game and to read between the LIES. I am strategically trying to find my way out of this toxic situation for it is not a real marriage the way God intended a marriage to be and I KNOW it. I have learned the painful lessons and want nothing more but to move on with my life. To his friends and family he is this great guy. But behind closed doors he is a heartless, cold, mean, selfish, unkind, condescending, arrogant disrespectful, and a professional liar, who could not care less how he makes a woman feels.

[liz_holland]

My covert narcissistic ex husband actually admitted to his behaviours (stonewalling, gaslighting, lying, passive aggression) during a therapy session during our separation, but didn’t apologize or take responsibility for the behaviour or the impact on me, and by the end of the session was blaming me for everything again. The therapist found this interesting and I found her perspective helpful! She said intellectually he takes responsibility for these things because he knows that’s what he’s supposed to do, but it’s like there is a disconnect, and he doesn’t have the capacity to take responsibility genuinely on an emotional level — to admit his faults would threaten his sense of reality and self; he needs to remain blameless.

[imnoel]

To us, it's life. To the narcissist, it's a game. Knowledge is power. Thank you Dr. Carter, you are helping to save lives.

[theideaplace]

I never felt controlled or manipulated until one day I just woke up and thought.... everything I am doing is for him and there's nothing coming back... he did it so cleverly that I didn't realize it was happening... all of my efforts were to make him happy... because they always seem sad... dejected..off somehow... everyone wants to come to their aid... Meanwhile they are gutting all your sources of support... friendships.. family.. anyone... they want it all for themselves... it's awful.. suddenly you don't know who you are anymore... feel like no one likes you when before people always liked you... its so ugly

[laloj]

I unfortunately have my own narcissistic behavior and dated a girl for 3 years who was also a covert narcissist. I became self aware of my narcissism from observing her. I began to try to better myself and tried to get her to improve as well. She dug her heels in the sand so I had to leave. I am still working on myself but I am thankful for becoming aware of my issues.

[Michael_Arguello]

Hi everyone. It’s obvious, we aren’t alone in our suffering. And we aren’t alone in our struggle. And we are stronger than we realize.

[magiao]

I had a hard time forgiving myself for falling for that person.

[gillianbrookwell]

I wasted over forty years of my life with a narcissitic husband before I just gave up and left; They give out mixed messages, they pretend to care about you, but then turn around and insult your intelligence. It's taken me years to get over it, and I'm still learning to trust others. Thank you Dr. Carter, I love your informative videos.

[mday]

It is cruel what Coverts do to their children. They not only ruin lives, but they rob that child of who he/she was meant to be. They steal our lives from us.

My Covert mother made me believe it was my fault we didn't have a good relationship just to learn later in life it was always her & she really hated me.🤢

It's a roller coaster ride you can't get off.

[realhealing]

This is exactly why I went no contact. You give everything and get nothing but abuse!

[JonnyBlade]

It took decades before I realised that my dad wasn't the opposite of my egotistical, toxic mom. He was just the calmer, slyer, smarter, more quiet version of her....

[liz_holland]

This is my ex husband almost to a T. The most important thing I remind myself of is that it was all extremely subtle. Underneath all the seemingly nice stuff, there was this subtle manipulation and degrading going on. He was incredibly loving and caring and did a lot to make effort in the relationship, and I actually thought we were very happy most of the time. Yet from time to time (every month or few months) he would stonewall me, gaslight me, lie, be passive aggressive, and if he acknowledged responsibility for an inappropriate behaviour or mistake (like lying to me), by the end of the conversation he had somehow turned the responsibility back onto me — even this was done subtly and said nicely, so it seemed like we were having a mature, communicative conversation. His putdowns were extremely subtle but demeaning — in the moment they seemed like innocent comments — and they slowly degraded my self-confidence.

Slowly things became more apparent. But it was always subtle. Ultimately I asked myself, do I want to be in a marriage with a person who is passive aggressive and with whom I don’t feel emotionally safe? Then the answer was easy.

[msmacmac]

Bingo. Intermittent reinforcement kept me confused for over 40 years. Trauma bonded. Silent Treatment. Shaming. Out now. Thank the goddesses.❤ Thanks for all you do, Dr C. 🙏🏼🙏🏼

[davidm]

I believe that sometimes they are so covert that they hide it even from themselves. They don't see what they do as wrong and truly feel like they are a victim.

They probably experienced abuse once and actually used to be the victim, but now they have become the abuser.