8 Differences Between Fearful Avoidant & Anxious Preoccupied Attachment | Attachment Styles

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In this video, we talk about the 8 key differences between the Fearful Avoidant and the Anxious Preoccupied attachment styles. I wanted to talk about this as it's common to think you are anxious preoccupied, and then find out that you might be fearful avoidant instead, so hopefully, this video will give you some clarity on the similarities, but especially the difference between these attachment styles.

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Комментарии

I use to think I was AP but realized along the way that I'm FA leaning anxious. I WANT to be closer when triggered but I can't because I have my guard up and block it out and Ill step back. I'm also not scared of abandonment. I'm scared of someone wanting to leave me but not doing so. Or someone pretending. Or someone betraying me secretly. I have fears of uncertainty of not knowing every detail in someone's mind. It it's going good sometimes I get scared because I'd rather find out bad things to let me walk away vs possible secret things that I don't know leaving me in the dark

kitti

As a healing FA/AP I approve this message. I also thought I was an anxious preoccupied when I started PDS. But then I watched the FA videos and they explained my behaviors and thoughts better. This is all true. I was pushing people away, breaking up when triggered, ghosting. Everything made more sense when I learned the distinction.

cappygurl

I am a fearful avoidant, and my partner is an anxious attachment. I definitely feel triggered when i feel smothered or controlled by him needing more from me. It makes me feel trapped and want to run away! I've had to set boundaries with him that will meet my needs and his without us both freaking out, lol. It's a working progress!

ll

Your plant is dancing in the background!

afriek

That was very interesting and reinforces what I already knew about my journey. I was much more anxiously attached and now, I'm much more fearful avoidant.
I would also argue that as we get older and have relationship experiences, that anxiously attached are much more likely to become more fearful avoidant. By the time anxiously attached figure out how painful it is to be in and out of relationships, our sense of trust in others and especially ourselves becomes paramount. I don't know how anyone could stay anxiously attached after having multiple experiences of over committing to people. Our mind just goes into self defense mode. It took me 10 years of alot of dating. Your results may vary 😉

bernardzsikla

2 minutes in and I thought I was AP for almost a year but NOPE. Definitely a FA, wow! Thanks Thais!

kenzietheearthling

I’m(FA) currently in a situationship with someone who seems to be DA and it’s so stressful. A week or so ago it got to the point where I told them “F you, never speak to me again.” And their response was not at all what I expected. I thought they would clap back but they didn’t.

Now it’s barely holding on and I decided to let them know that I’ll wait for them and give them space. It’s most likely gonna be a few months and I am debating leaving because I think when they finally text me back that they’ll leave me anyway. I seriously don’t know what to do. Advice is very much needed.

kuttzgamez

This is so helpful. Spot on. I thought I was AP for the longest time because I primarily dated DAs. Then I dated someone who was more anxious than I am and went straight into dismissive side. Now I'm in a long-term situationship with a DA and the "acting like an AP on the outside but feeling very conflicted/FA with your thoughts and emotions constantly" is so accurate.

xxbia

So true. My ex of 7 years would disappear for days or weeks (even when we lived together for 5 of those years) every time we had any disagreement or conflict. Which ultimately destroyed our relationship and she left for good. Neither of us knew about attachment styles until it was too late.

migueld

I was today years old when I learnt that I am an anxious leaning FA! This whole time ive been "diagnosed" by my clinical psychologist as an AP and looking at things around that, but this is exactly me! 💯 😅

scatterlienatalie

I used to think I was AP but realized it was mainly because of my 8 year on/off DA ex. Just like you said - behaving very anxiously but in my mind it was a constant battle of thinking I should leave but the trauma bond I have with him made it practically impossible. It was like a nightmare constant doubts and thoughts that I should leave but feeling unable to do so. I often think my anxious pushing for closeness when he needed the opposite was in some paradoxal way actually unconscious self preservation by sabotaging the relationship to find my way out. Also during my single phases I realized I don’t really display typical AP traits but more slightly avoidant, it’s just because my relationship with my DA was my first/only serious relationship and then ongoing on/off for 8 years that I convinced myself I must be AP, but really it was just what he triggered in me.

majafilipovic

FA but with a strong tendency to obsess, fixate, unrequited, limerence and push pull. I definitely identified as AP for a long time so this was really helpful. Thank you!

aspiringrootwoman

I am Definitely anxious my ex partner was avoidant he was very hot cold and ghosted me when we had problems in relationship instead of trying to sort out I actually thought he was narcissistic no longer together I miss him but was for the best I am now trying to heal and fix me love your channel much appreciated

biba

Oh my God!!! I just found out through your WONDERFUL course on Attachment Styles and Sex, that I am indeed fearful avoidant and not anxious preoccupied. This and other videos are confirming it... I am, as you said, in a relationship with a dismissive (from almost 2 years, and now in the power struggle phase), and you are so right it was misleading. I am indeed quite mind blown.
Anyway, I truly just wanted to thank you with all my heart for your contents, for the courses, and the free trial, for your positive inspiring energy and understanding. You are helping me so much... Thank you thank you thank

hupiturpikek

I feel like I'm a disorganized cross between AP an FA but I took your quiz and it told me that I have a healthy attachment style, so now I'm really confused. Nevertheless, all your videos are so informative and have helped me understand that the things that went down in my last two relationships had so much to do with attachment, mine and theirs. It's validating to know that I did everything I possibly could with what I knew at the time. Thankful to be listening and learning more about all this now before I get into another relationship.

carolyniam

This video definitely describes me. I also thought I was AA. But, as I learned more about about attachment styles, I realized I am very FA.

magy

I actually took the attachment style test and found that I'm AP leaning FA.

37% anxious preoccupied & 32% fearful avoidant.

11% dismissive avoidant & 21% secure.

I'm watching this video agreeing whole heartedly with both sides lol. But I actually find that I'm mostly AP in romantic relationships & FA in all other types of relationships (for the most part).

daniellediaz

I was never quite sure if I was FA or AP and this explanation really helped. Thank you!

ontheway

Emailed Lewis Howes about interviewing Thais on his YouTube School of Greatness show. Maybe if other PDS members write in, we can get her on there for a interview with Lewis!

Michelle-qqsd

I want to learn all of what you are teaching, but it’s so hard that my last relationship is all I can use as context so watching these videos brings up the pain of it ending, and the knowledge that I have to work on this alone. They’re gone now.

TheBailey