Codependents THINK They're Just Being Nice But Here's the Brutal Reality

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It's common for people who grew up with abuse and neglect to find themselves in codependent relationships. People use the term casually but being codependency fosters emptiness, poverty and rage. How can you tell if it's YOU or the other person who is bringing this to the dynamic? What role does CPTSD and childhood trauma play in developing codependency. In this video I describe the brutal reality of codependent relationship dynamics and the price people pay until they heal.
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[SweetUniverse]

Speaking of self-care: I couldn't clean my own house. I'd clean someone else's house or clean at work, but I couldn't do it for myself.

[donnacolwell]

When I realized that I wasn't fully aware of my own ulterior motives, that was a revelation. I actually told a someone recently that my main coping mechanism was getting into a relationship (usually a romantic relationship with a man, but sometimes a friendship with a woman) with someone who I thought needed my help. A fixer-upper relationship. That way I could focus all my energy on someone else, and not have to look at my own screwed up life. Now that I know what I have been doing, I avoid trying to "help." It was almost physically painful to sit quietly and let other people just be. I heard the voice in my head screaming, "I can help you!" Now the voice is more of a whisper saying, "I will help you, if you ask me." It is getting easier to butt out of other people's business, and to stop trying to herd them along the path I think they should go. Letting people make mistakes and suffer the consequences gives them the opportunity to learn and grow. I love the way my life is changing for the better. I have become a full-fledged adult instead of a scared little girl.

[ms.x]

I've stayed single for 4 years because I no longer trust my own judgement. As much as I can recognise codependent behaviours in others, they have me on chokehold when I like someone. I also don't want to lose another decade to focusing on others

[leopardchicken]

I often found that when I 'see' a person's potential it is simply me projecting onto them what I would do in their situation.

[leonablack]

Problem is when you try to heal from codependency people get nasty because your not a walk over any more, how dare you not be a doormat.

[sixthsenseamelia]

😖 I almost didn't click. Because I knew I would be exposed.

[acfatemi]

Yes, great description! However I didn’t hear one aspect of this problem; parentification as a root cause. A child that was brought up to be the fixer, the protector of younger siblings, the one that the parent leaned on at an early age and the one expected to make mum happy & be emotionally supportive, - this child will grow up to be extraordinarily helpful and achieving in many situations…..until she/he collapse from exhaustion due to lack of self-care and normal boundaries…

[Katyayanibetha]

The way codependency manifested in me is that I wouldn't speak up for myself when being mistreated in order to preserve the relationship. I would try and control how the relationship was going by denying myself. I didn't actually try and change the other person, because that would endanger the relationship. Instead, I took that upon myself and sacrificed myself in order to preserve the relationship. I became aware of this in 2013 after a traumatic work experience as a live-in nanny where I wasn't speaking up for myself, and have been working on it since then.

[juliamcclaysy]

I'm 29 years old and through the last weeks I realized that I have been codependent up until now. I have been majorly neglected in my childhood and only resently realized that I didn't even know what I want or who I am. I've had poor boundries (due to some former healing I woulnd't take all the crap that was thrown at me) and blamed everyone else for hurting me, while being unable to leave those toxic family members and friends. The sad thing is I never wanted to hurt others, I acted the way I did out of pain, fear and confusion. But now the fog is clearing and I am taking back my life and I will create the life I always dreamed of. To all the others out there, you are not alone, don't give up even when you feel it might kill you. Pray to god, stay strong, take one step at a time. May Jesus guide your way

[crystalk]

Great descriptions. Coming to terms with my codependent behavior over the past six months has been life changing. It’s tough to realize how much I hurt my husband, young adult sons, damaged my career, and watched well adjusted people keep their distance. Ready to be a healthier version of me. Praying for all of us who suffered CPTSD. Thanks for the videos.

[MrLuigiFercotti]

One thing co-dependents do, is do things for other people that were not even asked for, then get resentful when not reciprocated or acknowledged.

[frappalina]

Spot on description of codependency. I have been codependent in the past. I have tried to help my partners to get help, to see a therapist, to stop using substances, I have helped them get job interviews, I have cooked healthy meals and motivated them to work out... All this while neglecting myself and my own needs. Now I am single and taking care of myself and focusing on understanding my needs and satisfying them. Since I was a child, my parents would use me to talk about their marital problems and I was a peacemaker between them. I would even take the blame for my mom's mistakes (such as overcooked food or soap stains on the bathtub) so my dad would hit me instead of her. I learned this role and I brought it into my life and relationships. Now I'm focusing in taking care of myself. I hope that a lovely man with strong boundaries will find me and have a relationship with me and if I fall into those old patterns, he'll warn me. But for now I'm ok with being single... Whatever happens I'll make the best out of it

[dinahsoar]

I was co-dependent, for years, had no idea...when I finally realized it I had to 'change the dance'...boy that was hard...when you change the dance people are not happy.

[rosettesionne]

One point I want to note, is that I don't think that codependent like to be codependent I sincerely believe that no one wants to be a martyr but we have been CONDITIONED from a very young age to be one, either from surroundings, family of origin or even religious groups, we were conditioned to believe that we are worthy to be love only when we sacrifice ourself for others and at the end it became our way of being. Not too far ago I decided to stop being a codependent, I tried to express my feelings and to communicate my needs to my surroundings, I was determined to create a healthy relationship and to finally turn the page but my surroundings didn't see things the same way as I do... I was severely abused, called all sort of names they even attacked my sanity... my codependent self reappeared instantly to keep me safe and when I became codependent again, these people started to be nice to me... I really believe that our codependency is like a protector personality that we created to make us feel safe in relationships.

[peepsicle]

As long as the other person stays “broken” you don’t have to deal with your own brokenness, or even admit that you have brokenness. It can always be that other persons problem. And you get to be the martyr that everyone feels sorry for.

[theargylesweater]

Wishing there were more conversations about the damage that codependent/enmeshed parenting can do to a child’s developing sense of self. We tend to focus on the obvious harm done by the addicted parent or the narcissistic parent, not so much on their codependent partners.

[CJ-ukrt]

I've seen a lot of codependents think that they're "healers". The spiritual community encourages it.

[ohcrikey]

Unless someone actually 'wrongs' you, if they don't behave how you would have liked them to, either just accept thats the way they are or just walk away from them. I guess it depends on how deeply you care about them. You've no right to try to change someone. Like them or leave them.

[tekkenmaster]

Beautifully said as always. I had an impenetrable codependent relationship with my parents that lasted well over 24 years. As a Hispanic, cultural relationships parallel much of the characteristics of codependent relationships. And are viewed as normal and acceptable. In fact, not being codependent is viewed as hurtful and confusing. I endured some pretty intense events in my life that would otherwise been labeled as abuse and assault from my parents. Fortunately, after enduring 27 years of relentless micromanaging, neglect and codependency from my parents I meet my mentor. My mentor taught me healthy relationships in a manner that effectively broke many of the bonds that tied me to my parents. I felt liberated. But at the same time angry and confused. When my mentor and I confronted my parents they denied anything and everything that had happened. Years later, my parents finally admitted to the countless counts of abuse, neglect and described the behaviors and actions as "how it should be" and they "didn't know any other way to do it". Finally, the straw that broke the camels back were the countless years of religious indignation from my parente that also binded me to a codependent relationship with a higher power. It took years of reparation and mental reconstruction of what a higher power should be and what it means to me. Fortunately, with the help of my mentor and countless years of counseling, 4 mental hospitalizations and countless medication changes, I'm living a fuller life.

[jullietmburu]

As always, this lady speaks the truth. As a healed codependent, this totally defined me.
I almost wasted my 20s trying to make everyone else perfect until fibromyalgia forced me to look inwards.
Anyone dealing with a codependent, the best thing is to set boundaries. I still madly respect guys who chose to set boundaries with me,
Healing is possible.
Looking back, thank God I snapped out of it and stopped wasting my life!!!
Thanks Fairy 👑