Toxic Codependency or Healthy Closeness? How to Tell The Difference

►► Learn More About the Life Changing Virtual Retreat
& Lock in Your Holiday Special Offer Now (Ends Dec 23rd)

▼
Don’t Miss Out! Subscribe to my YouTube channel now.
I post new love life advice for you every weekend.

▼
Having a reliable and steady partner may not get as much attention as other “sexier” attributes, but it really is a beautiful thing.

Knowing you can depend on someone romantically, physically, and emotionally can draw you even closer together—strengthening your growing bond.

And before you even enter into a new relationship, what should you look for to figure out if your attachment styles are compatible?

▼ Get My Latest Dating Tips and Connect With Me… ▼

[ashantisimons]

Ive been going through a break up the past few days and YouTube kept reccommending your videos. At first I was invested in the 'how to get him back' stuff. It was fueling my hope that maybe it wasn't over. Then I got to your videos about self love and wanting more and now you've inspired me to give that hope to myself.

[leahracquelGibson]

“You give yourself the same treatment and compassion you would for anyone else.” This is still hard for me, but I’m trying.

[dtonebrown]

Oh boy. This helped me understand so much, I have definitely been the person who allowed a selfish person to walk all over me, because I had the desire to be loved and felt insecure that I couldn’t meet someone else.

[LisaGemini]

It’s a fine line, really. My parents were codependent for over 50 years! Now I can’t imagine being with the same man that long. You cannot lose yourself and your personality in the package. Some people are malicious and can destroy others. You never want that to happen. Love yourself first! Thanks for your amazing videos, Matthew! You’ve learned so much at a young age.

[psmylife]

You have just perfectly described the Relationship between a person with an Avoidant Attachment Style and another person with an Anxious Attachment Style. :)

[oceanz]

💯 Facts, I was addicted to this type of toxic codependency relationship and the person I was with was a narcissist so I was so crashed at the end of it all. Still healing but not easy.

[emp]

Precisely. You're leveling up Matthew! Narcissists and abusers are in a symbiotic relationship with codependents, aka people that idealize others, look for others to be their saviours. Which btw is the definition for both! Only difference with a narcissist is they will then devalue you. If you value/love/trust yourself too (aka secure attachment type), you will not put up with abuse! I know from experience. I like how Matthew makes the concept understandable, relatable. Indeed, codependents want love to save them. We want it so bad we ignore bad signs. The solution: LISTEN TO YOURSELF, trust yourself. Care for yourself enough to listen. If you've been through the ringer tho, you'll lose your ability to discern what you're feeling. This is called emotional literacy. You have to grow that muscle again by identifying, WRITING, what you feel every day, and why! Then over you're aware must trust yourself. Take action. Reject reject reject! But always trust others too. Otherwise become avoidant type. You'll find it easier to trust when you learn how to reject. You'll see you have good options. Worked for me :) I'm single and happy! Waiting patiently while living my life to the fullest :) Best of luck all!

[asleep]

When you realize you are highly codependent...
I grew with completely emotionally unavailable parents, so I'd look for that fulfillment in my partners, 100% emotional focus 100% of the time...

It's a good realization, I need to learn to be there for myself ❤️

[babandeeprathore]

1) Self worth
2) Scarcity
3) Desire for Love

[GodisInYourJobSearch]

Amen. In a society that sees dependency as weakness - we’ve blurred the lines so much.

[mariade]

You can't imagine how much I needed this today. I've just ended a new relationship because I started falling for a guy who out of sudden stopped 'having time' for me. And I knew walking away is the only healthy response to it.. And it hurts now

[vixter]

Yes yes we were both codependent on each other ! Stayed in last relationship too long - these are right on !
1. Desire for love
2. Scarcity mindset
3. Self-worth

Good video ! ❤

[Evie-odlg]

I cried watching this. It's absolutely my situation, thank you for being so articulate in how you explain things ....it all makes so much sense! 🥺

[sash]

There’s 3 types of dependency and the one you describe is the one where two healthy individuals come together to pursue a legacy where they commit to holding on to each other as long as they hold healthy and active communication, set boundaries, give each other space. Each of them has a life of their own being developed….. dependency comes in many ways and if your partner shows any sort of trauma response (fight or flight) or overreacts to situations… it’s not going to work. Except for the secure attachment, anxious will never be satisfied with what they receive from avoidant and vice-versa. So unless you are in a secure attachment relationship, there will always be some sort of unbalance in the relationship. One will be the one to resent the other for pushing their boundaries and still not confront them or the avoidant will constantly feel pressured by the anxious and issues will arise.
These worked in the past because it was clear in the relationship that women were dependent on their husbands, but the world is changing. There’s plenty of Alfa women who will not have the avoidant because they don’t meet their standards and they won’t even think of dating an anxious because they are too independent. Attachment styles matter.

[carmenkamberos]

“Never regret anything that has happened in your life. It cannot be changed, undone, or forgotten. So take it as a lesson learned and move on.”

“Sometimes things that hurt you the most teach you the greatest lessons of life.”

[axellesaupek]

I had never heard anyone put this issue into these 3 separate points like this. There is a lot of focus on the self-worth aspect, but the first two are just as important. I heard this and thought "oh, that's exactly right". Your thinking is truly profound and thorough Matthew, I truly believe you are one of the best coaches out there. Thanks so much for your work.

[serena_bee]

Powerful.
Those components listed were on point.
This is exactly what caused me to hold on to something that just wasn’t right for me.
But I’m happy I can now see clearly, I pulled back from the situation and at times I still feel guilty, I still wanna go back. But I’m happy I did what I did. My values should always matter.

[privateequityguy]

*”I really hope in 2022 you become THE best version of yourself. I hope it will be your best year ever"* If you are reading this, take it easy and have an amazing day!

[geraldinecraftpinson]

That is so true!!! I did the virtual retreat at the end of last year and it was such a game changer, sorted myself out and met the love of my life in April. I still can not believe how blessed I am and I had never had such a great relationship and connection before. I highly recommend the virtual retreat, it is SOOO worth it!

[sally]

Amazing! I always say about you and your brother- you have a gift! You always give such clear succinct advice - if someone always wants what they want in a relationship and dirt if steamrolls over you, they are not going to survive with someone who won’t allow it and puts up clear boundaries. Thank you 🙏❤️