What is Codependency? | Are you Codependent? - Terri Cole

Do you constantly organize yourself around another person’s needs? Does their bad mood nullify your good mood? Do you try to control all situations?

If you feel like your relationship is uneven, where one person takes the responsibility of fulfilling all of the needs for the other person, you could be operating in a codependent relationship. Are you or your partner endlessly trying to control the other person's behavior? Do you feel like you are merged together so that whatever is wrong in their life is also wrong in yours?

Codependency is often a result of some kind of dysfunction in childhood, like lack of safety, having an alcoholic parent, being neglected, etc. In adulthood, codependents tend to take on the emotions and burdens of others - they want to control things when their partner comes home from a bad day because they also feel those negative emotions =as if the bad day happened to them or that they must fix it.- This essentially means codependents make OTHER people’s problems, THEIR problems. Codependency is not just in romantic relationships; you can be codependent with friends, siblings, and even your boss!

Being in a codependent relationship is unhealthy and will ultimately leave you feeling unsatisfied. Constantly depending on another person for your own sense of well being and needing them to be happy so you can feel happy becomes exhausting.

In this video all about Codependency, you will learn:
-- How to Identify the Signs of a Codependent
-- Where Codependency Comes From (Hint: Dysfunctional Family Systems)
-- Behaviors of Partners in a Codependent Relationship
-- How to Know if YOU Are Codependent

Drop me a comment here and let me know what codependent behaviors you have noticed in your life.

TIME STAMPS:
0:00 - Introduction
0:50 - What does a codependent relationship look like?
2:22 - Where does codependency originate from?
5:50 - The over-functioning or high-functioning codependent
8:09 - Signs you might be codependent
17:23 - What healthy love looks like

RELATED VIDEOS:

ABOUT TERRI COLE:
Terri Cole is a licensed psychotherapist and global leading expert in female empowerment. For over two decades, Terri has worked with some of the world’s most well-known personalities from international pop stars to Fortune 500 CEOs.

Terri has a gift for making complex psychological concepts accessible, and then actionable so that clients and students achieve sustainable change i.e. true transformation. She empowers over 500,000 people weekly through her blog, social media platform, signature courses, Real Love Revolution and Boundary Bootcamp + her popular podcast, The Terri Cole Show.

She is also the author of Boundary Boss-The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen and (Finally) Live Free (April 2021)

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#terricolerealloverevolution #codependencyrecovery #codependency #terricoleshow

[sadiaarman]

You give such useful indicators. 1) You' re always trying to fix the other person 2) Your worry about others is compulsive and comes at the expense of self- care. 3) You are focused on the needs of others. 4) Lack of safety breeds co- dependency. 5) Overfunctioning women find themselves in relationship with under- functioning men. 6) Your partner' s bad mood kills your good mood. 7) Always comparing yourself with others and feeling you are not good enough. 8) Blame yourself for someone else's life. 9) Can you actually listen.to what the other person is saying instead of becoming defensive and reactive? 10) Are you always trying to micro- manage and control situations and does that make you feel safe?

[seanchampagne]

I"m definitely co-dependant.... It's not only women.

[maryannerazzo]

Thank you, Terri. This explanation is the best I've heard ever. Makes so much sense. My dad was a chronic, angry alcoholic and always told me that I should be grateful that he provided me with the basic necessities. He was also a narcissist.

[jillarchi]

I've been realizing how much "family of origin" comes into play lately!

[foxiefair]

Their needs are to control you by fulfilling their need to be needed... and they pick you and have this grandiose idea that you need to be fixed, even though you don't. The target ends up being the one being used, honestly, if you don't ask for it to begin with.

[cynthia-ray]

Stop following me around and spying on me Terri! Lol. You are spot on.

[disiluzhund]

Thank you so much, Terri, for this clear and concise definition of codependency. I learned a valuable insight... reactivity. I often felt guilty after a conflict because I knew I was part of the reason emotions escalated and relationships were cut off or shortened. I was reacting to disrespect, reacting to abusive language, reacting to lies, reacting when I felt emotionally injured or unjustly treated or criticized. And when you pile that on top of the fact that you've given all your best to the lover, to the job, to the friend, that you have been too heavily invested in (codependent), the sense of injustice feels beyond overwhelming, like the universe is dead set against you. So my take-away is to practice being aware and on-guard for defensive posturing, to bite my tongue and let go of the impulse to be liked and understood and safe.

[tf]

I really like the point that codependency goes both ways. Sometimes the over functioning person over focuses on the under functioning person.

[rebeccastahle]

I realize I'm codependent. I try to control my children's environment so I can feel safe for them. I try to rush in to help others. I have a difficult time saying no & I fear being smoothered....& end up in unhealthy relationships. I feel others emotions & do walk on egg shells but at the same time try to be the one who has control. I'm a people pleaser.

[teresascalzo]

Thank you for this so true I'm heartbroken now 🙁 🙁🙁

[sunflower]

Hi Terri. I want you to know that your work dramatically affects people's lives. Understanding the true meaning of codependency is crucial, especially when dealing with loved ones. I can relate to your statement about how our parents' moods could affect us profoundly when we were children. Learning these terms can help us become better people and create a peaceful family environment. Keep up the great work!

[StandupGirl-ymey]

It's hard to find a therapist who understands codependency and narcissistic disorders! I absolutely hate that I am the way that I am! It sucks ! You just described me ! My dad is an alcoholic! My mom is a narcissist! I've felt like I've had to parent my parents! I hate not feeling normal! Like I don't even know how I'm supposed to be! What's normal? What's healthy? This thing has turned my whole world upside down! If I could hide under a rock, I would! Smh I didn't ask for this! It's depressing just learning about this...about me!

[cap]

Thank you so much, this completely blew my mind. I have known I feel this way and function according to this criteria for years, but without knowing what it is. I have been trying to disengage from the patterns developed in my childhood. I think I have been successful so far at facing the possibility of rejection and taking romance a little less seriously, as opposed to diving into super serious, indefinite relationships with women, all of whom also had crazy family backgrounds.

I especially felt the concept of the "hero child." I remember feeling personally responsible for maintaining the peace between everyone in my emotionally volatile, smothering, and manipulative family.

[nikiahota]

OMG You describe this well. When people would tell me that I was co-dependent, I didn't know what that meant. Thank you!

[nsw_]

This is the most thorough explanation and really helps me

[cursedone]

This is unbelievable. I can't even begin to describe how helpful these videos have been to me. I watched your other videos on defensiveness and how I'm realizing that i mixed this with ex girlfriend who has bpd, it made for a very volatile situation because by controlling her behavior i felt like i could save her, and prevent hurt to her and myself. But this triggers that, and so creates this storm of codependency and bpd and this has been EYE OPENING for me. And then i got defensive, leading her to feel unheard and me justify why i did all the things i did in our relationship as being her fault and justifying things- which drove her mad. I have been binge listening to your videos today while working throughout the day and wow! You really are a holy grail. Your style of explaining is on par with my reception and understanding. Do you think you will be exploring ideas on how to not be codependent or the styles of relationships to avoid?

[basilaydyingm]

I'm so codependent it's crazy! Working on it now with your help

[Asta]

Frustrated is not even the word, I feel doomed. Left the relationship before and came back to it after few months. Its been 14 years now... How do I get out and what will be left of me, how to put yourself together after this and not repeat same mistakes or attract similar people into your life once again? Overwhelmed by fear, stuck in a mud :'(

[beckcubeor]

I need to watch this and take it in without crying. You've mostly just described my life 😔

[mimikaro]

Wooow that sentence: the adult is very unhealthy and the kid is constantly trying to make themselves safe