Moving Forward after Infidelity: Do’s and Don'ts

Today Samuel discusses both practical and life changing ways to move forward after the discovery of infidelity. Today's insight is for those newly into repair work as well as those years down the road.

- What kind of affair was it?

HEAL with Affair Recovery:

[kitkit]

The hurt is so deep it is literally a Herculean effort for me to move forward and forget the past ugh 😣 To come to grips that I was not valued is a stab to my heart.

[ifeanyikingsley]

I cannot help thinking about the betrayal. It is almost 12 months now but the pain feels like today's.

[izziekathryn]

It's been a year since my partner betrayed me. It still hurts and I still think about it. I think the hardest part now is that the last year has been amazing. Like the betrayal made us open up and talk and work on so many things and it's honestly been such an amazing year — but I think this has lead me to confusion. Confused how something that broke me to the point of self harm was also something that helped us move forward together and fix so many issues we didn't necessarily notice at the time were issues.

[jaeldavison]

When I was 28, my first husband took his own life, 2 weeks after I had given birth to our 4th child . The agony was unbelievable. Thought I couldn't go through anything worse. I don't know why but my 2nd husband's emotional infidelity has completely shredded my heart and the pain is worse than coping with the death of my first husband.

[del]

When narcisstic Unfaithful just clams up and refuses to discuss or give full disclosure, it's nearly impossible to move forward .

[gyroe]

Rocking my world is an understatement. almost 2 years of working on it and still have moments of deep grieving and utter shock of it happening. Totally unreal.

[Tinkatat]

I never ever imagined he would cheat. He was so good to me, I've never felt as loved. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I just want to forget. I want to be the woman who can pretend it didn't happen and just keep going but it hurts so bad. I have dealt with depression for decades, I haven't been suicidal in forever but I just want to disappear. I just don't get it and I'm afraid I can't get past it 😞

[Valeria-thms]

Every time I watch one of your videos, I cry.. but towards the end I start feeling hopeful. Thank you for your work

[Draggedout]

You can be doing absolutely everything right, happier than ever and it can still happen. That's the hardest part for me, we were so happy. I know it, believe it but also how can I when he so easily destroyed it. I'm not claiming to be perfect but I carry an empathy inside of me that is almost too much to bear at times and sometimes I wonder if i'm the only one. Clearly not having read all these comments. So many people hurting, so many people betrayed. It's been a month now, and i started out devastated beyond belief. Couldn't eat, sleep, stop sobbing for a week. I still am, but now i'm also enraged. Enraged at the man who i built so much with, we were healers of each others traumas. He was the one who broke me out of the mistrust I had of men after my own sexual assault. I was the one breaking him out of the childhood trauma and suffering he endured. He claimed to be happy but the opportunity came and he chose to take it. I've had those same opportunities yet even if i wanted them, i always pulled back and remembered him and how it wouldn't be worth it. I think its completely normal to have thoughts of other people outside your own relationship, just human. I struggle with it myself but it takes a lot of maturity to go to your partner and tell them this or admit your feelings. What a difference it would have made if he just came home and told me but he chose to lie and i found out through someone else the next day. It was just kissing but with two people in a sort of young 'fun' scenario, his first night out alone in so long at a work party. We were each others whole lives you see, moved home to be with my sick mother and he came with me, supported me throughout. He claims it was greed, impulse, selfishness and the attention he was receiving as he has very low self esteem. He's completely remorseful and resembles the person i once knew again and has started therapy every week. But i have lived a life full of people treating me badly and i just dont know if I've reached my limit. It makes you feel like something is wrong in you, something about you deserves this but i know i don't. I know i deserve so much more and that is why I'm struggling to know where to go from here. I'm trying to see how i feel over the next few months, but this could not have come at a worse time with people moving on, away with their own lives. I'm scared what will happen if I'm left here isolated with him and I can't make it work. If there's any comfort at all, its being able to share this with people who truly understand so thank you to all and i wish you strength ❤️

[larrygragg]

It has been 9 weeks since discovering my wife’s affair. Your videos have helped me tremendously by helping me understand why she did what she did. We understand it’s going to take time, but we know we will eventually get through this and move forward.

[jake]

Well said.
If you're the unfaithful, also genuinely ask your betrayed how they are, how are they coping.
And no Matter what, don't assume anything. You're no longer safe atleast until into healing. The betrayed is going to have all the shields up they feel they need so likely won't even tell you how bad they feel entirely out if fear you might betray them over that too.

[evej]

Ten months now since I found out. I don't think I will ever fully trust my husband again. He doesn't know this by I have absolutely no respect for him. He disgusts me. I'm in this marriage for the long run but not happy. Recently I hope I don't live too long. I don't like this life anymore. Everyday I just go through the motions and get through the day. He was lucky to have me. Now he is lucky he doesn't know how I really feel. The grief and agony is overwhelming.

[jeanne]

I’ve never felt pain and suffering like this in my entire 56 years of life. I’ve lost a child, a 27 year brother fr cancer, I was a a used of a crime I never committed and thrown in prison… but I’ve never felt or dealt with anything like this. I wouldn’t wish I my worst enemy… I’m 11 months in, traumatized and Ptsd. Idk if I’m ever going to be me again.

[arie]

As betrayed spouse, how do you balance the grieve (as part of healing) and moving forward? We can not move forward while we are still grieving.

[stephanie]

I have decided to chose me right now … this means discovering who I am and what I want and working to make that happen … I have also realized I should not be the one to always initiate talks … I am stepping back and not bringing up his affair at all … I am journaling and see a therapist weekly and I just got a new job 👍👍 I am choosing to work on myself and leave my husband to do his own work 👍👍👍

[zombiesbride]

I feel numb. i haven't cried over it. The pain is to much to cry. We're starting therapy next week.

[MrsPFenzel]

The devastation is traumatic, I can't believe this has happened to me.

[joyk]

Its been 5 months since i found out about the betrayal. Although i decided to stay, i fighting every day to move on and stop thinking about.

[survivalofthefishiest]

What do you do when you moved forward, but the contact and lies didn't end. It happened over and over, and now I'm numb. I feel NOTHING. How does this improve? The inital lack of trust, I was more than willing to "move forward from", but after too many times, I hit the wall, and now I feel that I don't even know him. A total stranger, that now I look at with entirely different eyes, and knowing what I know, feel like I never would have chosen. Polar opposite of what I knew to be true, the person, our relationship, nothing feels like it will ever improve. We co-exist. I don't hate him, I just feel nothing.

[alixhice]

Good, meaningful and helpful message. We are doing very well 4 months past D-Day through the EMS Weekend, Beyond EMS, and Harboring Hope programs. Affair Recovery, the library and these videos have been my lifeline! Thank you Samuel.