Couples Therapist on How to Recover from Infidelity & Cheating

What's Anya Mind, Friends?
Many of you have asked if it is possible to recover from cheating in your relationship. The truth is that I have seen relationships not only survive but thrive after experiencing infidelity. However, it takes a lot of work for everyone involved. Has anything been particularly helpful for you?

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[outlinehappiness]

I think discussing boundaries for cheating is so important! With social media now it’s opened up a grey area for micro cheating. You can’t assume each other’s values and perspectives on what constitutes as cheating….is it purely physical or do you include emotional, etc.

Such a good point to raise.

[jasmineyoungblood]

“You’re not a failure because you couldn’t handle the relationship post infidelity. It’s a success when you can _be honest with yourself and make decisions that are in alignment with your values.”_ Beautifully concluded 💝. Thank you for your videos!

[Littlepqueenie]

Thank you so much for this. I’m in the middle of healing from my husbands emotional cheating and hearing you saying infidelity isn’t a death sentence is what I need. Thank you for addressing this.

[sintara]

As someone who has been cheated on and tried working through it, I don't think I would ever do it again.
Not because I regret it that time so much, it helped me get over the relationship while during the time we had just split I wasn't able to.
But. Every time, I have asked him please please just tell me everything. But every now and then he still came up with new info that just made me feel just like when it just happened. Every now and then I caught him in a lie - same thing. Ultimately he broke up with me and during that conversation he accidentally confessed again. I was so over it, he was so over it.

[PukuDuckie]

When my last partner admitted that she had cheated on me (It was making out and that emotional cheating, as far as I knew), it was just a couple days before I finally made that official move for us to live together. It was so close. I was so thankful that we were close enough that she was able to be honest with me at that time, but when I heard it over video call... I honestly had such a confused reaction. I was beyond heart broken, and I busted out crying right then and there, but there was also this odd feeling like I didn't know how I was supposed to react. Like, I'm supposed to be angry, I have to show her it's not right that she did this, etc., but at the same time... my "real" reaction was less intense. I think I might have been in shock? I never in my wildest dreams would have guessed she could be capable of it. I never felt jealously through out our whole relationship because the whole time, I knew she only saw me, and me to her.
She was the type of person who'd actually neglect other friendships (I did too, sadly) because when there was free time, we were always happy to just be together all the time. Finally I had heard she was making new friends at the job she recently just started, I was just so happy for her to have found company that she enjoyed outside of just me. Especially since I was still in a far away state from her at that time and she was temporarily occupying the apartment by herself until I was able to move, but then she started admitting things that were concerning me; How one of the men at her work would come over and watch movies together, which on it's own wasn't concerning, but then she said they cuddled on the couch, which was starting to make me feel uneasy and I voiced that to her, then she said he kissed her on top of her head, which I told her "I don't think I like that. That's a little bit too much". A couple days later, she admitted they made out that night. I could tell she felt so guilty about it, she is one of the most anxious people I've ever known and I know she didn't want to hurt me. After my initial tears, I calmly asked her "What are you wanting to do?" and she said she told the guy they had to just be friends and she wanted "to make it work" between us. So I told her, "Okay." and I said I can get passed this if it never happens again. She offered to never see him again, but I told her if he was so important to her, that I didn't want her to lose her precious friend. Maybe that was my bad letting her stay friends with him, but telling her she couldn't? Wouldn't that just make her want to see him more? I told her, maybe I can also become friends with him so if he gets to know me and we become friends, maybe he'll see I'm a person and not want to contribute to the cheating. Plus they don't have to lose the relationship. It wasn't reassuring that when I said I could get passed if it never happened again, she said "I can't guarantee it won't happen again. :(" and I said "That's not very reassuring." Some would say it's awful she said that, but honestly I was just relieved that it seemed like she was being honest with me. After about half a year, we were in a fight about things we were upset with each other about and she finally decided she wanted to break up. When I was in the middle of packing to move back to my original state, she admitted to me that over the months we were living together, that the cheating continued behind my back multiple more times, and it was just... awful for me. I'm embarrassed to admit that I ended up snapping and began displaying super unhealthy behaviors towards her, passive aggressiveness, obsessive behavior, yelling matches, guilt tripping, etc. which ended up hurting the relationship beyond repair where we were unable to stay friends. She eventually blocked me everywhere and even to this day it would be pretty much impossible to contact her.

I've been able to learn sooo much about never being like that again because I even scared myself. The whole ordeal was super traumatic for me. I know for a fact I would never react like that again because I've changed how my mind works before getting to that point now. I realized I was waaay too emotionally dependent on her, I only wanted to die after we broke up, I felt like there was nothing left I wanted in the world. I put her on a pedestal. I've learned so much about not becoming that emotionally dependent on a person ever again and how viewing someone as borderline perfect puts a lot of pressure on the other person. I'm now have really great, comfortable boundaries with people, and I'm no longer obsessive like I was. I went to therapy, got back on my antidepressant and anxiety medication, learned about many different mental health topics in depth, and it has made a world of difference. I'm better than I was before in many ways.
I just hate that I can no longer mend the friendship with her, I always hope she is happy and healthy at least.

[Prettyflydiy]

Thanks sooo much for this video. My husband and I literally use your videos as therapy sessions. We are a young couple and there have had issues with infidelity on his part. He was not good at taking accountability and comparing me to others and I sucked at setting boundaries. When I say he has completely changed the way he communicates and treats me because of your videos!!! Always so eye opening and insightful. You helped save my relationship tbh. You've helped both of us grow as individuals as well. It's also awesome seeing someone that looks like us doing these type of helpful videos. You are a huge inspiration to me, an aspiring therapist. We absolutely adore you!!!! #WhatsOnYourMind (I legit sing that every time I start your videos lbvs)

[elizabethkass]

What happened to me, caused me to feel used. And I am trying to heal and move forward with forgiveness for the person. I don't want to fall into revenge.

[abiade]

This topic was handled with the sensitivity and open-mindedness it needed. Excellent video.

[sallyjane]

If my partner told me he was sexually attracted to another person that would BE the deal breaker. If he's at that point he's already on the path to infidelity. I believe faithfulness starts in the discipline of the mind.

I also find it extremely disrespectful to say that type of thing to one's partner. I believe in always building up your partner and looking for what you love about them anD letting them know it. When you're busy doing this you don't have the energy to do the same for others.

[Wilfq]

I just recently found out I was cheated on. I confronted him and he did not deny it which I did actually appreciate instead of lying to my face. I came across this video basically for what to do to build that trust again due to thoughts of a possible counselor for us to help us with communication & rebuilding my trust if we can’t get through it together. I enjoyed this video, thank you! We’ve known each other for about 8 years now, we became best friends before we started dating & we are at almost 20 months together as a couple now. I feel as though this can still workout & watching this made me feel better about my decision of giving it another chance. Not many will be happy but at the end of the day I need to follow my heart & that everything will be okay & back to normal soon. ❤🤞🏾❤️🤞🏾

[ris]

By the time I discovered the full depth of my previous partner’s infidelity, she’d already broken up with me. We’d been dating for over 3 years at that point, and it was really difficult to see the extent of her manipulation in the months after the breakup. Especially as she started dating the person just over a week after breaking up with me

[AlyssaYoung-ty]

This was really helpful and I’m so glad you posted it. Saying infidelity isn’t a death sentence for a relationship honestly gave me hope. Since he has come clean it’s like we have reset and had some hard discussions but have been open and honest since him coming clean. It’s like a fresh start and we’ve realized where we were both lacking. I think the biggest thing is still being able to see a future with him even after this has happened.

[JenniferGreene]

I am side-eying everyone who disagrees with Tip 4. An invasion of privacy?! 😮‍💨 Let me breath deeply. For me, cheating is just a huge “no” but great tip to get aligned with what is considered cheating.

[rmy_Youtube]

Woooowwww!!! You brought up some good points I NEVER would've thought of. Overall accountability, vulnerability & honest communication is key. Got it!

[divinelyguided]

❤️ this video especially the part about having the type of relationship where we can be vulnerable to talk about everything!!!

[karlatyson]

This came right on time in my personal
Life and my professional life

Edit : I’m here to say you are the truth !!! I found your channel 4 months ago, I had just freshly found out I was being cheated on, my rage scared me, I write down all of your tips and really allowed myself to grieve first, because I was loosing something that was important to me, fast forward I left him where he was, and I’ve been living my best life ever sense lol, I send your videos to a lot of my friends, I’ll be starting my msw on Jan and In my head you’re mentoring me lol

[Mailboxamy]

Loved this video - it’s hard to find a video on infidelity that doesn’t totally trash all the person who strayed.

I would say that it is so important to be true to who you are. Look at the partners past and their previous relationships and if they can realise why and be willing to work on their vulnerability with you - are they ready to take those soul searching steps into their past and work on why they behave a certain way? And they willing to do this for them and for themselves only I. Order to bring their best selves forward? Take that time and reevaluate - space is important and needed to have that time without the other.

[astablack]

This was such a FANTASTIC video!!! I really appreciate your no nonsense and pragmatic approach to what is an emotional land mine situation for many. The tips you provided align with many thoughts I have had but felt as though they didn’t fit with what we have been socialized to do in society. The part about sharing out attraction to other people with our partner was one such thing that I always felt I wanted to be able to do in a partnership. Thank you for the work you do 💛

[datguymrsmith]

wow! Tip #4 is the main problem for myself because my wife refuses to agree with this and accept it. Now she wants me to change in order to keep her since she wants to work things out

[cm]

Ooooh this is going to be good... ok back to the video 😁