Infidelity: to stay or go…? | Lucy Beresford | TEDxFolkestone

We assume that ending a relationship after betrayal is the best course of action. Yet relationship expert and broadcaster Lucy Beresford passionately argues that the more courageous option is to stay and rebuild that relationship.

Drawing from her work with clients (details changed for confidentiality) and from celebrity culture (the rapper Jay-Z spoke publicly about cheating on his wife Beyoncé),

in this talk Lucy identifies:

- the 3 courageous ways the betrayer and the betrayed can start to repair their relationship;

- the 3 things the betrayer MUST do, to rebuilt trust; and

- the Number 1 thing all couples must do to protect their relationship from being blown off course

Lucy Beresford hosts LBC Radio’s Sex and Relationships show as well as the show Love Decoded for dating website eHarmony, and is an Agony Aunt on ITV’s This Morning. She’s the author of 4 books, including the global best-seller Happy Relationships: at home, work and play. She works as a psychotherapist at The Grace Clinic, London and from time to time at The Delhi Psychiatry Centre in India under Dr. Sunil Mittal.

[CAN]

It's a crushing feeling to know you've been betrayed, everything crumbles. I wish everyone going through it finds the strength to overcome it and heal.

[sandraculter]

The hardest part for me is knowing my man touched another woman and was touched by her. Looking into his eyes knowing those eyes gazed upon her body during intimacy. It's a matter of contamination; his body was mine, and now it will never feel completely mine again and her touch will still be there. It can't be undone or unknown.

[alioleary]

It takes more courage to leave. Leave everything you know, everything you planned together and wanted so badly. Leave comfortability and be alone because it’s what’s best for you in the long run.

[OaK-_R]

For me the hardest hurdle is getting the images out of my mind. Seeing her and knowing someone else has seen her in a way only I should. I'm just repulsed.

Update: Left her, found someone better, and now I'm happily married with our first child on the way. The ex cheating on me was the best thing to ever happen to me.

[toddponton]

Sometimes it takes courage to leave too.

[Rotar-jvgd]

Anyone going through this I just want you to know you are loved and you deserve better. Most people who cheat do it for issues within their own heart & mind. You are worthy of love and trust. I hope you heal this year.

[deetchy]

3 years later and I can say with absolute confidence that I really regret letting this video affect my decision when it happened to me. Cheers to you if it actually helped you out but all it did for me was give my ex the go ahead to continue to manipulate and abuse me instead of putting a stop to it

[lucyfannn]

everyone is so quick to judge or say what they would do in this situation till it happens to them....

[Ghettochild.]

Not my first time being cheated on, but the last person on earth I ever would of thought to cheat on me did. Why can't people just be honest and loyal? Selfishness... Just know for everyone else who had just been cheated on that it will get better with time. That you deserve to be happy and the right person will show up one day and be a part of your life forever. Just hang in there and have a positive attitude. It wasn't your fault for what they did. Sending peace and love your way. You're not alone.

[venturelover]

On our 20th anniversary, while 9 months pregnant with our 5th child, I found out about the affair. Honestly never known a bigger betrayal story than my own. It's 10 years later now, and I'm just now finally healing. Our divorce is finalized TODAY.

[kaze-xo]

Cheated once, shame on you,
Cheated twice, shame on me.

[roberttraverso]

Infidelity kills a relationship because betrayal destroys trust..There can be no relationship once trust is gone..Betrayal of someone who loves you is not just a mistake. A mistake is when you get off on the wrong stop on the bus. A mistake is when you serve the wrong fork with the salad. Betrayal is a murderous offence against the relationship and one's partner.

[GoogleUser-wyvv]

Even if you do decide to stay... I think you should leave first to heal.

[mikejazz]

I was with my ex wife for 14 years. The moment I found out she cheated on me. I left her! POINT BLANK!! Her sisters were involved in encouraging it and covering it up. Never disrespect me & I deserve better 👍

[johnspurrell]

Cheating is cheating, but a one night stand is not the same as a two year relationship. After that kind of betrayal there is nothing left to rebuild.

[danielanoyola]

From someone who just came out of a relationship who was cheated on and betrayed, I just do not understand how trying to make it work makes you courageous. Although I did try to make it work for a year I felt my self esteem drop more than I ever felt courageous. I think this might only work in a very specific scenario. I think in most situations, a relationship could not work if infidelity occurs.

[honeybunnyroze]

Being cheated on literally ruins your self esteem to the point where you just never feel good enough
It's a horrible feeling that stays with you

[Nosmilegrin]

The comments are very sad...
To those who chose to stay, as long as you feel loved and you genuinely feel that the relationship grew stronger after infidelity, don't be swayed by society's very harsh judgement on the issue. Congratulations for trying to fix what was broken instead of throwing it away.
To those who chose to end the relationship, if you feel that it's for the best, then so be it.

[AM-ufmo]

A relationship can never be the same after a cheating scandal. There will always be arguments about what happened, the partner’s trust will be ruined forever leading to constant confrontation and the need for reassurance but nothing will be enough to make them trust you again. It’s just not worth it

[andreoliveira]

I was surely disappointed by this talk.
I had a boyfriend for 3 years, where he cheated on me several times along the way.
Every time I found out, I tried to forgive but my feelings for him started going cold.
The last time it happened, I could only feel indifference towards him.
He said something I can’t get out of my head till today “Stop the drama. It happened before, you shouldn’t be surprised.” - true or not, this is the speaking of someone who had no respect for me.