Tips for Listening without Defensiveness | Assertiveness Skills

Improve your #listening skills and explore what triggers #defensiveness and #anger

#continuingeducation #stressmanagement #DocSnipes #tips #counselling #counseling #continuingeducation #CEUs #AllCEUs #cognitivebehavioraltherapy #cbt #psychology #depression #stress #anxiety #communication
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NOTE: ALL VIDEOS are for educational purposes only and are NOT a replacement for medical advice or counseling from a licensed professional.

Video by Dr. Dawn Elise Snipes on integrative behavioral health approaches including counseling techniques and skills for improving mental health and reducing mental illness.

Listening Without Defensiveness
Dr. Dawn-Elise Snipes PhD, LPC-MHSP
Objectives
Explore what causes defensiveness
Identify strategies to enhance assertiveness
Background
All behavior has meaning
Defensiveness is a behavior that indicates a lack of a sense of safety
Prior learning of unsafeness in relationships (verbal or physical aggression, feeling invalidated)
Discussing triggering material
Defensiveness is a type of aggression (My thoughts and feelings matter. Yours do not)
Creating Safety
Enhance self esteem
Recognize the difference between criticism of you vs. your behaviors
Take what is useful and leave the rest
Be realistic…Nobody is liked by everybody, and nobody’s behaviors are liked by everybody all the time
Nurture multiple sources of support
Set and maintain boundaries: Physical, Affective & Cognitive, Environmental, Relational
Give the respect you expect to get.
Creating Safety
Try to be empathetic and curious
If you passionately disagree about something, what is informing their decisions? Yours? (politics, religion, healthcare, quality time…)
Explore alternate explanations why someone might be critical or short with you
Consider where it came from (well meaning constructive feedback vs. destructive feedback)
Evaluate your beliefs about what it means to be wrong, make a mistake or not be liked
Creating Safety
Think back and try to identify at least 10 times you have gotten defensive.
What was it about?
Why did you feel threatened?
Were you actually threatened in the present or were you projecting (Mom/Dad/Ex) or mind reading?
Are there any themes?
Listening and Hearing
Set ground rules
Stop mind reading
Stop projecting
One person and one thing at a time
Use objective language
Have a safe-word and de-escalation plan if you feel like you are getting defensive or being attacked

Listening and Hearing
Listen to hear and understand
Take a moment to breathe and reflect if you feel your stress level rising.
Validate their experience as theirs
When you are grounded, summarize and ask if what you heard was accurate
If the person says yes, then formulate a response using
I statements
I feel like my thoughts/feelings/experiences are being invalidated/trivialized when you say…
I feel anxious about sharing my thoughts with you because…
My anxiety gets triggered when you raise your voice…
Other Strategies
Find areas of agreement
Look for ways to collaborate instead of conflict
Create win-wins
Pick your battles (THINK)
Apologize when necessary

Engage the Executive Control Network
When the amygdala is triggered by a threat it frequently strengthens the connections with the default mode network and results in default (habitual) responding
Rehearsal / empty chair
Identifying and modifying schema (You sound just like my Dad/Mom/Ex) using BETA testing (Breathe, Evaluate, Think/Talk, Act)
Summary
Defensiveness is a way we protect ourselves from hurt or rejection
Defensiveness is an aggressive strategy which makes the other person also feel unsafe (and attacked)

TIMESTAMPS
00:00 Why do I get defensive
02:10 7 ways to feel safer to reduce anger
21:05 listening and hearing the other person
34:15 Other cognitive behavioral strategies THINK
37:15 Reducing fear and automatic responding

[DocSnipes]

👌More videos can be found on this topic at
👍Online Courses for Continuing Education (CEU, OPD, CPD) and Substance Abuse Counselor Certification

[LEEeveryday]

What has worked best for me when listening without defensiveness is having radical acceptance of myself. High self esteem means you'll have no need to defend yourself from something you already accept about yourself. That acceptance causes any verbal attack to lose it's bite, thus making it easier to ignore.

[abigailcb]

Top lecture. Imagine if this were made into a 1-day workshop and held at the start of every high school year. Would be a different world!

[echase]

Listening ‘without ego’ or assumptions, and using a good degree of humility, is also super important.

[susiew.]

Thank you so much! Honestly. I've been in a lot of unsafe, abusive situations in my life where I constantly had to fight and prove myself. This led to me being defensive all the time. Extremely contra-productive in conversations.

[kassandrav]

This should be a mandatory training when entering a new job or marriage 😁

[roegincordovi]

3 minutes in and I already know this video is definitely for me. Thank you Lord for putting this in my path.

[kennnaaaa]

Oh my goodness... before I even reached 4 minutes I had reached a lot of conclusions about how I was raised and why I take criticism to heart. I was never told I made a "bad choice" and that I was a good kid. It was "good" versus "bad" kid in my house. The all or nothing fight or flight response has instilled a very aggressive style of communication. I'm either in falling apart in a puddle of tears or yelling at someone for telling me they didn't like a behavior. Because my "behavior" has never been separated from who I am as a person. Thank you so much for the upload. This is pretty groundbreaking stuff for those whose parents couldn't give them what they didn't have.

[jtcarrey]

I have been battling this for 40 years, you've literally just made this clear for me, now I can be less defensive and listen more. I am so thankful for you and your video. <3

[FaithFashionFinances]

It's hard to listen to someone criticize your behaviors 24/7 when that's all you have ever heard most of your life. I have always loved that saying in the 12 step rooms " Take what you like, leave the rest". Sometimes the lesson doesn't apply

[YaHzDizciple]

As a business owner I sometimes get defensive when I receive complaints from customers about a job I've performed for them. I had to realize that when people spend their money with me I have to at least first hear them out, see if their point is valid and rectify the situation. I've also concluded that some customers aren't always realistic in their expectations so I try to appease them as best I can and choose not to do anymore work for them going forward.

[LL-cckm]

This Therapist is SO GOOD! I've had a lot of therapy in my life, before internet access. I'm so appreciative of people offering their help and knowledge! This is such a good way to reach a lot of people who otherwise would not hear it. There's such a lack of privacy IMO these days, I won't visit a Therapist in person any longer.

[lorahaynes]

It helps when you have a partner, and support team, who are mindful of this as well. As a pair or group, to be able to discuss, and plan without the defensiveness is such a beautiful thing. Thank you so much for sharing these presentations.

[jenneen]

I truly want to change being so defensive especially in the workplace. Great tools to get me started in this video!!!👏🏽👏🏽

[maurinedknyantika]

Thank you for a very therapeutic video that spoke to lots of personal internal struggles

[PacificPier]

Thank you for the wonderful insights.
Really happy to see you survived the mountain lion attack - glowing & more beautiful than ever.
Be well & many thanks ☀️

[drewg]

Another great video, some won’t get it because of their own ego but it takes two in a relationship and after a hard time both parties have to forgive each other, learn new healthy behaviors, and move on to build a new better relationship. Living in defensiveness of old behaviors while acting or responding in new behaviors is detrimental to the new built relationship.

[cathleenkealey]

Excellent lesson and I value your self disclosure of your experience with your analytical son. A skill to learn, relearn, rehearse and use.

[PuginaConverseShoe]

This is another great video. I'm so grateful for your channel and the work you do. The community appreciates you!

[Kuragdar]

Yours are some of my favorite self help videos.
Thank you for all your hard work.

You are making a difference!