Fight Smarter: Avoid the Most Common Argument Patterns - Esther Perel

“Once in awhile I am late and my boyfriend takes it so personally. I can understand why he gets upset but he blows it way out of proportion and triggers our biggest fights. How can I convince him it’s not about him?" - Paul, Fort Collins, Colorado

No relationship is free of conflict. Listen to my advice on ways to resolve the most common argument patterns and learn how to fight better.

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[wanjikushiko]

"In arguments and in hurts, I suggest that you do not think about yourself as the person with the right measurement stick of what is worthy of being upset about and what is not"

[JudyAnne]

“It is truth of your experience, but not necessarily the truth of what happens.” I’m going to try to remember that. 💛

[qilin]

This is hard advice to follow when the other party doesn’t have this same realization and willingness to reconcile.

[Chaz_NFQ]

This woman has such a way of articulating what most of us feel and (likely) fail to communicate effectively on a regular basis

[BlueCammo]

Great advice! This even goes beyond romantic relationships but all relationships.

[nessav]

Esther basically gives free psychology advice and people use the thumbs down.

[briana]

Don't justify or explain; just apologize, let him be mad and empathize. Easier said than done.... for now. 
This is great advice. thank you!

[missb]

"Mine is situational, yours is circumstantial" I will try to avoid "always" and "never" during fights. Thanks for the incredible advise as usual :)

[jmcarbone]

If you want to have a long term happy relationship with your partner do not make winning arguments a goal. Being a winner means there is a loser. Argue to reach common ground.
Excellent video.

[Bismillilah]

I had a fight with my husband which was actually a build up of a lot of resentment after we had a baby.. I was taking out my frustration on him unknowingly thinking he didn't care. He had a massive outburst one night. Finally that night I watched one of your videos Esther, and next day everything changed. Changing my attitude towards him, my apology and the way I carried it off so gracefully thanks to you made wonders happen. So yeah, true fan of your talks! Stay blessed and keep churning up these beautiful insights! :D

[jhask]

This video is about so much more than "being late." The insight on "confirmation bias" is incredible! I am so guilty of this and I knew it wasn't good, but I could not see the whole scope of it. Thank you! I just discovered your videos and am excited about learning more on not changing my wife, but changing ME.

[TL-vpuh]

“Confirmation Bias” becomes so overwhelming when you are in a relationship with a narcissistic gaslighter. You end up living your entire relationship trying to prove to yourself that they don’t care about you and then you go crazy 😜

[VestinVestin]

"Once is happenstance, twice is coincidence, three times is enemy action."

[shebaglover]

Lady! the way you word this... you have a true gift to the point i can not explicate....Wow!!!! you have change my interior thought process.

[Amanda.eliott]

"Most Difficult part is knowing needs and expectations of your partner". We were always too shy to openly talk about it. My husband eventually found a better way to deal with it. We started playing couple question games like "lovify". In this game you have to guess what your partner likes. And, with these games we got to know a lot about each other ❤

[biimare]

"Confirmation Bias" has never felt so accurate in my entire life. Omg - A- I am so aware now.

[rafazeppelin]

Oh, God! Now I feel so ashamed after watching this video.
We had a huge argument last night just because she forgot to buy the eggs that I asked for. And I tried hard to remember some of the advises that you already gave but none came to mind, since I was so numb with anger. I think that what infuriated me the most was the fact that we were in such a great mood before this. So, first I started to complain about the eggs but it turn into a strange cicle of arguments about the argument we were having. Very paradoxal...

Anyway, thanks a lot for your videos! It helped us a lot. I always watch more than once to try to get the whole message.

Greetings from Brasil!

[rafaelveggi]

"I suggest a good dose of humor when this happens" -- made my day!

[janerylands-bolton]

I could listen to you all day, Esther. You deserve the Nobel Peace prize.

[SuperNashum]

I think when you truly love your partner and you see that being late triggers deep reaction in him/her you organize yourself and come on time.
I never had this issue with my previous partners but with one friend. She always late. And it’s a fact. And I do consider this attitude like a major “don’t care” which is visible in her behavior about other things.
And with time i started to arrive late myself to the meetings with her. It also allowed me to flex my rigid neurotic mind that others should behave like I believe is right. May be these kind of people are sent to our life so we can learn to be less rigid and less categorical and of course to heal our past traumas.
Also worth mentioning not to be fixating on the time while you are waiting but use these extra minutes on loving yourself, asking yourself how are you doing for the past few days/weeks, observe the nature, relax while breathing deeply because when the other person will arrive you won’t be able to do it. Use these extra time as a gift from the Universe and as the hint that you don’t have enough of quality space for yourself. 😉
Sending love to everyone ❤️

P.S. I prefer Marshall Rosenberg “Non violent communication” it’s even softer.