How to Effectively Communicate During Conflict (Without Making it Worse!) - Terri Cole

When you’re in the heat of a fight do you have a tendency to explode or say things you don’t mean? Or do you withdraw in anger and become silent?

Both of these reactions to conflict are very common communication-blocking techniques. Effective communication is something we hear a lot about but often I think the meaning is unclear.

In today’s episode, I’m breaking down the top 4 communication blockers + giving you sentence starters and scripts to help. You’ll learn what you can do to break these unhelpful behavior patterns and work towards actually solving conflict with effective communication instead.

TIME STAMPS:
0:00 - Introduction
2:09 - What is effective communication and why is it important?
3:10 - Communication Block #1: Inability to express your needs
6:58 - Communication Block #2: Listening to respond
10:10 - Communication Block #3: Using the silent treatment
14:11 - Communication Block #4: Defensiveness and blame (most common)

RELATED VIDEOS:

ABOUT TERRI COLE
Terri Cole is a licensed psychotherapist, global relationship and empowerment expert, and the author of Boundary Boss-The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen and (Finally) Live Free.

For over two decades, Terri has worked with a diverse group of clients that includes everyone from stay-at-home moms to celebrities and Fortune 500 CEOs.

CONNECT ON SOCIAL

#communication #effectivecommunication #conflictresolution

[terri_cole]

What is your experience communicating during conflict? Is it difficult? Do you struggle to find the words to say? Have you mastered this through practice? Tell me in the comments!

[peeweelickdoughal]

I withdraw, and become silent to protect the other person from the can of whoop ass that I desperately want to invoke on them❤

[annevonaichinger]

Hi Terri, Excellent strategies you've provided us with. What is challenging for me is when I'm making an intentional effort to hear and understand what the other person is trying to say with compassion and without judgement, but they cannot do the same for me. This makes me feel unheard and sad.

[badombre]

As they say in AA "do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? "

[Underneath.It.All.]

In my experience, my past dysfunction from childhood and adult hood, as well as trauma pops up impulsively if I feel like my securities are threatened in anyway! I’ve learned that my brain responds like that because it’s trying to protect me everything I’ve been through goes to the subconscious and I had to dig deep to figure out what I was so afraid of the heated moment! I was never taught healthy coping skills, communication, and emotion regulation! It’s never too late to learn new skills to help you grow and become an emotional regulation healthy person! Just pause! For me I have to talk myself down and be my own best friend, and loving parent! Stop fighting against your brain, identify the root causes, when you understand why you overreact it’s easier to make changes ❤

[GuaduSanz]

Excellent topic. My own deal breaker is people who can’t navigate conflict with the intention to come to a place of mutual understanding and compromise towards an improvement.

[geanelledaniel]

This video was excellent. My marriage is dying due to poor communication and I feel pained because though we say we love eachother we say very harsh and damaging things to eachother... then we resolve it promise not to do it and it happens again and again. I feel defeated by my own actions and that of my spouse who I love deeply.😢

[angelamossucco]

Stonewalling is emotional neglect. Thank you for calmly with examples explaining healthy mature AUTHENTIC and KIND communication. Kind does not mean repressing conversation that needs to happen to yield understanding to deepen relationship or not. Kind is expressing real needs and listening to their real needs and existing in the pain of disagreement or uncertainty.

[lindawinters]

OMG…another beautiful video! My personal goals after watching this: To slow down and breathe, find my clarity, use my words and speak the truth in a loving way…without retreating into my cocoon, becoming defensive or blaming. I am learning so much from your explanations, tips and scripts…thank you so much!!

[terrimartel]

I struggle with what is labeled "stonewalling". However, when this happens it doesn't come from anger, it comes from fear. I'm not using it as a weapon. The ability to talk and find the words is GONE. I'm aware that this is related to a childhood trauma. This is triggered when the other person appears in attack mode. I've improved, but it hasn't been easy. Just wanted to state that the black silence some people might find themselves in isn't always a result of anger and isn't intended to manipulate.
My partner grew up within a dysfunctional, alcoholic family dynamic, so our communications have been challenging. Blaming and shaming was a big part of his upbringing. My partner is not an alcoholic, but has taken on some of the personality traits of the alcoholic in his family. One of the things I have said that is helpful for me is, "We can agree to disagree", if I feel I'm being bullied into submission.

[s.a.m]

Terri, you have helped me so much to find & use my voice. In the last year I finally realized that I was raised by a narcissistic mother. You have helped me to separate from her & understand that I am only responsible for & able to control myself. Now that I am healing & speaking my truth, I finally feel like a whole valuable individual person & it’s really hard work but feels wonderful. I am moving to a new town which I was always afraid to do, because my family is so codependently close to one an other. I now know that I must leave in order to live my best life. You TERRI COLE are such a gift to society & a blessing in my life!❤

[sneakerbabeful]

I've learned that when a fight occurs, afterwards people never speak to me again. Conflict = drama, no one wants drama. So people only want to be friends or in a relationship when there is no conflict.

[GD-crum]

I really love the way Terri offers scripts which most online therapists don't. She's helped me so much can't wait to buy the book❤❤

[maryosborne]

I’m so happy to find your channel. Been married 41 years, and I’m realizing that our communication is not good. We keep triggering each other and we are defensive. Basically we need to learn a better way.

[angelamossucco]

*Defensive shutting down of the other is the archenemy of hearing them.*

So true.

I add: Mirroring or open-ended questioning (as you modeled) are the superheroes.

[jade.indigo]

I know that these videos aren’t a replacement for therapy but they are making me face myself and how unacceptable I’ve been acting lately in my relationship as a reaction to needs not being met. I know that lashing out coldly and stonewalling are not effective ways to communicate my displeasure but I feel like I’m stuck on a merry-go-round sometimes and I need the both of us to get off now. So thank you for making these videos. They have helped.

[haiiithereee]

amazing video, thank you. I'm trying to remember compassion and understanding is much more important than the need to be "right", even if i feel slighted in the relationship

[liatkan]

we love an honest perceptive queen. followed you hear from another podcast and love you non-nonsense approach.

[lifeloverlorijean]

Terri, you have blessed my life so much! I feel as if you've become a trusted friend. In this episode, I am glad you spoke about listening with the intent to understand another. If I'm just waiting to jump in, I'm not really listening to understand the other's point of view. I love creating space! Some people are defensive in their communication. I have been guilty of it myself. It comes across as an attorney gathering evidence to make our case. It is not coming from a place of love. I'm glad you mentioned asking open ended questions. Being interested in what the other person thinks is a useful method to gain deeper understanding in communication. It allows us to learn more. I've found we also must be careful when we see a habitual complainer who is just venting, being stuck in playing the victim.

I'm glad you brought out Stonewalling too. It is damaging, and you are right in that it is a form of passive aggressive behavior. Having a bachelor's degree in Relational Communication, I learned about Stonewalling (one of John Gottman's Four Deadly Horsemen of the Apocalypse). One of the best classes in my major was titled Emotions and Communicating. Learning to tune into our emotions is vital. We all can learn to respond rather than react emotionally. Steven R. Covey states there is a 3 second space we can use before responding. Terri I love that you wisely said if we feel ourselves getting emotionally upset, we can say, "I can't talk it out right this minute, but give me 10 minutes". That allows us to cool down if we feel our emotions heating up. Yes, it certainly requires self work! It behooves us to examine ourselves and ask, am I too thin skinned? If you notice a pattern of defensiveness, you might be. We can only control ourselves. I gain more compassion for myself and others by listening more. Some people just want or need to be heard. They don't want you to offer advice. We all want to be understood. I find I am happier when I seek to understand others. It's a paradox, in that when I do, I also come to understand myself better. Thanks Terri.

[QueenOfAnsweredPrayers]

Hi Terri, am new here. My name is Esther from Uganda. Very privileged to hear such words full of wisdom. Appreciate it 🙏🏾