How to Complain Without Hurting Your Partner | Dr. Julie Gottman | Relationship Advice

Want communications in your relationship to be more effective? Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman explains the best (and worst) ways to talk to your mate about your wishes and needs.

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[Twister]

1 - Use "I" statements. 2 - Complain about "what"...complain about the "thing" and not each other. 3 - Effectively communicate what you need/explain how your spouse can be your hero.

[junwuzhang]

I just love how Dr. Julie & John Gottman are both such clear, eloquent, and calm speakers. I love listening to their lectures - even just as examples of speeches!

[Isla_Mar]

Im going to use this with my siblings. I honestly think that this is good advice for any type of relationship. I want us to be more respectful and understanding to one another.

[SherwoodCouplesC]

Directing the complaint towards the situation rather than your partner always works. Remember, condemn the sin and not the sinner. And at the end, say what can be done to make things right.

[GoodLifeLegal]

Wonderful stuff. Simple to say, hard to do. Like everything, this has to be practiced until it becomes 2nd nature. I really love the part about not blaming your spouse. The blame game is so toxic.

[ablebravo]

I dispute the notion that there is nobody who is too needy, but I strongly agree with Dr. Gottman on all other points.

[peace-pohy]

Relationships have deeper issues than "putting out the garbage" etc. Problems exist when someone is not being loved and when he/she is walked over and not cared for. You cant make the other person care. And it's rare finding other options !

[neohermitist]

I do 1, 2 & 3 and what do I get in return:

"well aren't you Mr Perfect"

The advice given is simple and dare I say Pollyannish because it doesn't address the absolute minefield that many people have to navigate in their spousal relationship.

[zytigon]

I have just read through The 7 Principles for making marriage work. There are a lot of good points in there. I wonder if a key point is to interpret whatever has been said into the best way it could have been said, so in a way it doesn't matter what either side says if they are focussed on the ideal. If my partner says something insulting or nasty I put it in my mind into the kind or polite comment. I'm disappointed they didn't score but i understand the difficulties

[Werewolf]

Amazing, someone who doesn't think needing is taboo -- all my adult life I've despised the pop psychology adage "you don't need anything/anyone, you just WANT" -- please!

[tolowokere]

There is such a thing as being too needy. At some point you have to be able to fend for yourself.

[Aishahreacts]

This was great 😃! Ive heard ppl tslking abkut using i statements and not accusing but ive never quite understood until now .... Will give a yry and see if it works lol

[janetmario]

Oh my word! The Gottmans are so amazing!! Everything we've learned about what is right in our marriage is supported in their reasearch@@

[denizons]

I'm surprised at the lack of comments on this post and the lack of responses.

[snmn]

I think it is important to note, and it can't be overstated, that what she said has nothing to do with resolving any issue or problem. It's all about "lasting relationships". So when she gets to step 3, "I need you too...", the spouse's response to that need, whether they do it or not, has no bearing on the health of the relationship.

They say as much in other videos when they point out that up to 70% of problems in marriages are unresolvable and that it is the connection that is being made in the discussion that is important. The issue isn't the issue.

Y'all draw your own conclusions on whether not paying the bills will lead to a lasting relationship.

[ezemanx]

My SO and I have two problems with this technique. One is that when I ask her to follow the complaint formula, she feels I'm too legalistic and gets visibly frustrated and that breaks down the communications between us. The second problem is that she perceives my complaints expressed in the way recommended as criticisms of her. Has anyone else had problems like this when trying out the complaint v. Criticism technique?

[michaelj]

I dont necessarily have a bad relationship with my parents, but my parents barely talk to one another (caused by years of bad communication and a huge fight), its been going on for years now, and overtime i feel that my relationship with each of them is weakening. Now I'm searching everywhere: how do you get your parents to want to fix their relationship?

[hotdoggington]

Any advice on how to do that when the thing you're taking issue with is more personal and doesn't have an obvious outside "thing" like the trash not being taken out?

Like, say the issue is that things sometimes seem like a competition between you and your SO on who can be correct the most often. So you say something like "I feel frustrated because sometimes things seem competitive between us". That follows the first two rules, but they're going to want to know specifically what things they do or say that makes you feel like that.

When it gets there, how do you avoid accusing them? If you want to express "sometimes it seems like whenever I try to say something, you try to point out what's wrong with it and correct me. It'd mean a lot to me if things were more often phrased like 'I see your point, but consider this too-' instead of 'well actually you're wrong, here's why'."...how do you get that idea across without being accusatory and triggering defensiveness?

[drellawicked]

I have a question though, what do you do when you've that and your feelings are just ignored and disregarded? I'm kind of stuck in some what of a relationship with this person so at the very least I'd like to co-operate with them.

[ekotsifi]

How would you describe the fact " that our partner is not paying attention or is not communicating enough?