7 Strategies To Stop Being So Defensive - Terri Cole

When someone comes to you with negative feedback, do you get defensive?

Do you automatically come up with reasons why you did something, building a case for the way you did it?

Do you shift the blame onto someone else?

Or does your heart start racing?

If this resonates, you are not alone. It is human to want to defend your choices, actions, and beliefs.

But defensiveness damages our relationships, which is why this episode is all about becoming more aware of defensive behavior and what you can do instead.

I am covering the signs and symptoms of defensiveness, why we get defensive in the first place, and seven strategies you can use to become less defensive.

*Time Stamps*
0:00 - Introduction
2:06 - What is defensiveness?
4:58 - Discerning between actual danger & the ego
5:40 - How defensive are you? (A checklist)
9:22 - Strategies to stop being defensive
19:26 - Comment shout out

*If You Enjoyed This, Watch These Videos*

*About Terri Cole*
Terri Cole is a licensed psychotherapist, global relationship and empowerment expert, and the author of Boundary Boss-The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen and (Finally) Live Free.

For over two decades, Terri has worked with a diverse group of clients that includes everyone from stay-at-home moms to celebrities and Fortune 500 CEOs.

*Connect With Me*

*Resources to Check out*

I’m not currently taking any new one-on-one therapy or coaching clients, but highly recommend using BetterHelp to find a therapist that fits your needs. As a team, we have fully vetted BetterHelp's resources. If you choose to sign up for Better Help's service, I will receive a commission on the referral but please know that I only recommend services that I know & trust.

#terricoleshow #communicationskills #relationshiptips

[IM-uhtk]

If you don't have much time, here's a video summary:
1. Move from reacting to asking questions. Get feedback. Take it as a growth opportunity. Listen with an open mind. Don't go into fight or flight.
2. Raise your self-esteem.
3. Have boundaries.
4. Don't let people whose opinion you don't respect give you critical feedback. Don't worry about what everyone thinks about you.
5. Practice mindfulness. Medidate to create space between the thought and action.

[karynwebster]

I had to step away from a relationship because of this. I couldn't have any conversations with the person because they instantly jumped to "war", blame, and I was wrong. Communicating was near impossible, it was exhausting.

[kate]

“Listen with the intent of learning” excellent.

[mirelladlima]

I am defensive when I try to protect my ego and I realise I need to be humble and accept correction especially when it comes from a loving person 🙏

[lisaho]

It's crazy how this video just go to me. So timely.

[msrosie]

being defensive is my greatest flaw and my greatest challenge I have yet to overcome. I don't know how to avoid it sometimes because it's become so second nature to me. thank you for this video. I'm trying my best to work on this.

[jayleenlinn]

It crushed me when you said being defensive is the arch enemy of connection and intimacy; because it's so true. I always masked being defensive with saying I'm just really sensitive. It's so true when you said people won't want to open up or even say anything to you. It really has left me in a lonely bubble. I have written down extensive notes. & I'm aware and want to change. THANK YOU SO MUCH.

[fsoufkp]

As I walk through my healing journey, I'm learning to pause, think, and respond when I'm ready and calm.

[TheOneTheyCallTim]

There were huge breakthroughs in this video for me. It's the little girl in me fighting for validation that she is capable and smart from feeling heard. I was told to stop taking up space as a child, from several adults in my life, while my mother also taught me, through her actions, that to be heard you talk over, interrupt, and get defensive. I love my mother to death but it's funny to be able to see where even the best intended parents wind up failing us as kids. We're all just living the experience of life for the first time and we're all a little broken from it.

[camronmurillo]

You got me with that using sarcasm as a defensive tactic to protect my ego! Its too late to convince my partner to stay but never too late to change!

[AUAsdaughter]

If I wasn't at work, I'd be slobber crying. This is my kryptonite. It has ruined my life. I will subscribe and begin my journey to change. To know someone can explain and teach how to stop this! This is a blessing.

[olivetreealexi]

15:05 1st Fav Line
☆Choosing to take critcal feedback from people you respect (people you care about & people that truly care about you) make it easier knowing it comes from a loving source
(& Boundaries from people you dont care about or opinions dont value)

[Greatfulgrace]

I am a defensive person. I have been so from a child. I realize that I have low self esteem issues where I didn't like myself, but not anymore. I don't want to be this way anymore. I want to be a gentle, kind hearted good communicator and listener. I want to change and will change with God's help. I will value other people's thoughts of me.

[TonyKorycki]

‘Conscious curiosity’ is such a great approach, but, even though I’m tired of my reactive and defensive behaviours, I still leap to war instinctively. My blueprint is quite damaged, emotionally, but I do appreciate what you’re saying, I hope I can make that shift from reacting to responding.

[jessicaroberts]

The truth needs no defense. I'm a true, authentic person with no reason to be defensive. Thank you, you're a bombshell boundary boss!

[dawnmertz]

I realize now that I have been defensive in some relationships. My upbringing was shaming and blaming and being punished or shamed for even the smallest mistakes. I remember being ranted at for a 3 hours car ride for just saying that awful word "jock" in a conversation with a guy my age that my mother was apparently eavesdropping on. "No lady uses that word and what will other people think about us that you're using that word!" My father just drove and let it go on and on. I was 14. I remember thinking then. As soon as I could that I was going to move out, and get away from them.

[BeingSomething]

Being defensive is my biggest downfall…it’s now become an unconscious behavior when it’s happening but once everything is said and done I realize how defensive I was being and I feel crappy and apologetic but the damage is done….but how do you fight not being defensive with another defensive judgmental person? Knowing how conversations always go with certain people in my life it automatically triggers it when a conversation is needed to be had…But I want to stop that behavior I’m to old and a women to still come off aggressive and masculine🫣😢🥺

[kellylliam]

you are amazing... clear, concise, kind, knowledgeable, I just love your podcasts! I asked my therapist a few years ago to point me in the direction to someone that explains co-dependency/narcissistic abuse... you came up and Dr Ramani. Oooh to hear you two chat would be out of this world. Thank you sooo much. You will never know how much you have helped me. Thank you

[eottoe]

8. Stay away from insensitive people.

[debraharwood]

I will try this, I need to do this for myself worth!