How Not to Be Defensive in Relationships

There's no more common response to a partner's remarks than to find oneself in a 'defensive' mood. It's hugely understandable, but at points unfruitful. What follows is a short guide to reversing out of defensive moods for the sake of healthier communication.

FURTHER READING

“We often operate in romantic life under the mistaken view – unconsciously imported from law courts and school debating traditions – that the person who is ‘right’ or has the stronger case should, legitimately, ‘win’ any argument. But this is fundamentally to misunderstand what the point of relationships might be. It is not to defeat an opponent (there are no prizes for ‘winning’ other than self-satisfied loneliness) so much as to try to help each other to evolve into the best versions of ourselves.”

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CREDITS

Produced in collaboration with:

Deanca Rensyta Mihardja

#TheSchoolOfLife #Relationships #Arguments

[jezebel]

"People don't change when they are told what's wrong with them...they change when they feel sufficiently supported to undertake the change they already know is due."

[AnnafromHungarylvNW]

That's why healthy relationships are only between people who know themselves and want to evolve.

[siryoucantdothat]

You know what hurts the most ... when u admit that the problem exist and our loved one use it against us

[realSimoneCherie]

Damn. “There’s no prize in winning other than self-satisfied loneliness” 😩

[brettself]

My wife's good advice down through the years found a hardened barrier in me because I unwittingly had granted "parental status" to her in our relationship. She, of course, did not want this status in the first place. This "parental status" I assigned to her granted me the childish position I needed to ignore all of her very good advises. A non-competitive lover, she just wanted a 'partner in crime', not an adult teenager. It isn't always easy to see where you have gone wrong in your own life, what you have failed to reconcile (in my case, my relationship with my father). The best question you can ask yourself whenever you are in a fight with your significant other is this: "What if I'm wrong?"

Once you're willing to share the entire story, the complete truth, with a professional. Get a therapist. Work it out.

Life is far too short to waste on your own history.

[HengHuiMei]

sometimes in a healthy relationship, it helps if we understand that our partner is coming from a good place and wanting the best for us!

[tyronemaxwell]

I am learning to remove my ego and be comfortable with uncomfortable conversations and it removes massive tension and I love it. ❤️❤️❤️

[rea]

So true! It is soooo hard for me to take criticism, especially because I grew up in a home where you just have to prove you are right and others aren't, usually this meant a fight of our egos. My partner is the one who helped me realize how pointless that is and that it is not about being right but feeling good. I still struggle sometimes, but I am getting better...
A sentence that always helps me is: would you rather be right or happy?

[ChessMasteryOfficial]

*We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are.*

[btul]

I am not in a romantic relationship but I can relate this to my relationship with my sister, and it exactly work the way you describe it "people don't change when they're told what's wrong with them, they change when they feel sufficiently supported to undertake the change they almost always already know is due"

[juliabaratta]

How do you guys always know what I’m going through

[carriestephens]

No one has ever hated themselves into self improvement

[ishita_cu]

In my 10 years of relationship, Not sharing expectations and keeping a grudge over small things almost led to breakup. My husband suggested a simple couple questions game. I think it was "lovify" we used to play together. In this game you have to guess what your partner likes. Helped us learn a lot about each other. 💞

[mattk]

It's not what you say. It's how you say it.

[darkhobo]

I remember one day out of nowhere my wife started becoming passive aggressive and picking fights.

At some point I realized it was the anniversary of her aunts death. When I tried to tell her I thought the reason she was upset was because of what day it was.

I'll never forget her response. I feel it highlights what happens to our mentality when we are emotionally vulnerable. She said "I can't believe you would use that against me"

That's when I realized she was mad at me because she needed me and I wasn't being there for her.

[ATrueLoveOfficial]

I tend to become defensive not because of the criticism itself but of how someone delivers it.

[Skweepa]

You can only help someone feel comfortable to admit they are in the wrong if they already had the ability to do it before you were bonded so closely emotionally. Some family cultures and psychological conditions make it so some people will NEVER accept responsibility for their errors.

[minervaloves]

Now we need how not to be offensive in a relationship.

[leeannturley]

Listening without a judgmental ear usually does the trick. Be proud of your partner for being strong enough to have different views. Love doesn't want us to marry or commit to a mirror of ourselves. The better Union is one of teammates where both people balance each other. I want someone strong where I am weak and vice versa. We get together to make each other stronger.

[georgiana]

It's also worth considering that people often act in counterproductive ways because they find the better alternative behavior too hard to implement. Essentially, doing the right thing doesn't bring them enough pleasure to account for the effort.
Having someone they love supporting them and cheering to their progress might just be the extra reward they need to change.