Stop Being Defensive + Learn to Listen | Effective Communication Tips - Terri Cole

Why is defensiveness so damaging to our relationships? As one of my personal mental health heroes, Dr. Harriet Lerner, would say: “Defensiveness is the arch-enemy of listening.”

Why? Because you can’t be defensive and listen simultaneously.

It’s impossible. There are all different levels of being defensive, and there are many reasons why some people are more defensive than others.

So much of it has to do with the home you grew up in and the behavior that you saw modeled when you were a child. Questions to guide you:

-- When problems or conflict arose, what kind of behavior did you witness?
-- How did your parents or caretakers communicate? With one another? With you?
-- Did you grow up in a very authoritarian home?
-- If you made a mistake, how was it handled? Was it a big deal?
-- You might have grown up in circumstances in which it was natural for you to be defensive or always on guard to protect yourself. If your childhood environment was chaotic, scary or dangerous and there were serious consequences to your mistakes or behavior, it makes sense that defensiveness would become a part of your self-preservation strategy.

If you grew up in a very strict household, it could even have been very natural for you to lie to get out of trouble. The child within you would benefit from you giving yourself some grace as to why you did what you needed to do in order to avoid pain or punishment.

In all my years of practice and of research, I’ve learned that having the most effective communication possible is what makes the deepest, most vibrant, healthiest and truly loving relationships flourish.

Effective communication is something I am super passionate about, so that’s why this week, I’m tackling defensiveness, how to raise our awareness around it and how to stop it from blocking our greatest potential in all of our relationships.

*TIME STAMPS:*
0:00 - Introduction
0:37 - What is being "defensive"?
1:43 - Why are some of us so defensive? + My personal example
5:22 - Why defensiveness is bad for our relationships
7:06 - The connection between criticism and defensiveness
8:37 - Tips on clearing your side of the street and ridding yourself of this dynamic
15:30 - Why it's important to become an active listener

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*ABOUT TERRI COLE:*
Terri Cole is a licensed psychotherapist and global leading expert in female empowerment. She has a gift for making complex psychological concepts accessible, and then actionable so that clients and students achieve sustainable change. She empowers over 250,000 people weekly through her blog, social media platform, signature courses, Real Love Revolution and Boundary Bootcamp + her popular podcast, The Terri Cole Show. She is also the author of Boundary Boss-The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen and (Finally) Live Free (April 2021)

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[bealambwouldya]

Here I am 😭I’m trying to heal so I can have a healthy relationship

[ezramandolph]

I’m getting defensive watching this. lol

[Mun_yeong]

Being in a toxic household makes you react first than to respond. It became a serious issue of mine where I've always been reflecting on myself noticing that it's my wrong..

You come to defensive mode, you get triggered, feel low, less and you become toxic without even noticing..
I think reflecting on our actions is kinda hard thing but a necessary thing.
What's the sad thing is, it's even more difficult to explain this to someone..

[katielees]

I’ve been studying psychology for the last 3 years and having recently got into a serious relationship after being mostly single for the last 10 years. I’ve just realised after several disagreements that I am very defensive in most of my relationships. It’s so deeply ingrained in me to be defensive that I don’t even realise it, I just go into attack/wounded mode. Now I’ve had this deep realisation that being defensive is damaging my relationships, I can do something about it. Just feels kinda rough to know I’ve got to his age without realising this :(

[rubencabral]

I'm embarassed to admit that its taken me this long to realise that I have poor listening skills. In the span of 2 years, any fight ive had with my girlfriend was caused by me not listening. Its been brought up and I've been trying but i wasn't trying in the right way. I was still not listening to her and still trying to fix the problem instead of hearing her fully. This video was helpful in giving me the knowledge on how best to improve myself to give my partner what she deserves.

[amphionification]

Being defensive has been a huge struggle for me. I have gotten to the point where I can let things roll off my back at work, but my relationship with my partner suffers because I assume I am being attacked when I'm not. Thank you for sharing your insight with us!

[joliearytravels]

My family members always had something negative to say about me from since I was young, I always stayed quiet, and felt sad. Then as I got older I started to defend my self. It got so bad that I even get defensive at work when my managers speak to me. 😞

[allenwalker]

As a man i actually am learning this to be less defensive to be better to guys out there we need to learn to listen and umderstanding

[Safespacekewithmonini]

I have come to realise that am getting extremely defensive and like I don't give myself time to really listen..really process another person's point of view..I think am too sensitive..and I need to unlearn it..I need to learn how to get, understand. Hear out another person's point of view..instead of always playing the victim and justifying my actions

[mysteryvan]

This video just saved my marriage. I knew I was contributing to our problems but could not figure out how or how to change it. Now I can see the cycle and solutions clearly! Thank you! 🙏🏽

[edwinhernandez]

Wow. This video just made me discover myself. I am a certified defender, I recently lost the love of my life because every time she tried to talk to me about issues I would instantly feel attacked and get defensive. She called me out on it too but I was so blind and didn’t even realize how much I was hurting her and our relationship. It hurts so much knowing I could’ve been so much better for her, and that it took me so long to discover this about myself.

[mosesmaina]

I've been defensive for the longest time and I did not even realize it. Always thought that me explaining why I did something or how I did it, makes it easier for the other person, especially if it's something that hurt them.
It's about time I unlearn this. Thanks

[deepikadjverma]

1. Criticism
2. Defensiveness
3. Contempt and
4. Stonewalling

[courtneygalanti]

I’m here in 2024, trying to be intentional about my social media use by listening to videos that help me improve or that I love in some way, and I just felt like the sentence “do you want to be right or do you want to be understood “ hit me like a freight train and brought tears to my eyes. I only want to be understood and felt isolated and alone as a child, so when I get defensive I feel like my inner child trying to protect me but really it’s just caging me in and not giving my partner a chance to understand me. Thank you for this video!

[jhbiewen]

Katie, have hope, I'm 64 and my kids just pointed out how defensive and teary I get when they have issues with me. So, we're all on the learning path. In my case, my son stopped talking to me because it never went anywhere. He said get therapy, which I have started, but that doesn't seem to be addressing this issue. This episode alone, did more for me than the last 2 months of therapy sessions. Thank you Terri for your concise, approach to how to address this issue. I'm so glad I found you and looking forward to catching up on your podcasts.

[relletransparent]

i loved hearing that the bridge to intimacy is being an athletic listener.

[ARluvr]

Man what an eye opening video. As a kid my dad was so critical of everything I did and all I wanted to do was make him happy, so I’m extremely defensive. Now I employ this on my wife and anytime she asks a question a take it personally. Man I’m horrible for that.

[janathelamb]

I love this. But how do I do this without feeling like I’m being a doormat and just being agreeable to keep the peace?

[cherrith_]

Its crazy because most people (or just me) dont even realize they are being defensive. I heard your story about your boss and i rlly saw myself in that.

[jtcarrey]

This made me cry... I need to change my responses