AVOIDANT/DISMISSING ATTACHMENT STYLES: ALONE IN LOVE

This video explores the Avoidant Attachment Style in Attachment Theory and explains and explores how this style develops in childhood, what it looks like in relationships and in therapy, and how we can begin to heal the Avoidant Attachment Style.

*****FREE COURSE AND FREE CHECKLIST:

RESOURCES:

Wired for Love - Stan Tatkin
Attached - Amir Levine
Treating Attachment Disturbances in Adults - David Brown

[chrismcevoy]

I’m most relaxed and at peace when I’m alone.

[alexas.]

If you're avoidant, you most likely have said to family members who had a major role in your childhood: "You only accepted me or liked me when I was happy/obedient/emotionless." This one simple statement fits with ALL the core symptoms of avoidant attachment: 

1. Being overly self-reliant (and in doing so, you hide your needs, emotions, problems, and acute illnesses)
2. Pushing down anger until it explodes and manufactures the boundaries you crave but can't always ask for
3. Not wanting to burden others with your problems
4. Wanting to fix your own issues to avoid looking incompetent or even getting bullied and teased
5. Numbing out emotions with self-soothing behaviors that are either totally unhealthy or pseudo-healthy (like getting addicted to working out and healthy eating)

I can definitely identify with this. Does anyone else feel the same?

[aisle_of_view]

I grew up in a household full of chaos. I found relief by not asking for anything. I would walk to school during snowstorms to avoid a ride by a parent. Anything and everything to avoid rocking the boat. This carried over into my professional and personal life in unimaginable ways. Self destruction and impossible for me to reach out. Won't bore you all further.

[Robiniela]

As someone with this attachment style, I completely agree with the fact that it develops from parents, but I also want to argue that it solidifies by getting reinforced by people outside of your immediate family. I remember that I was vulnerable with others when I was younger, but repeated rejection or getting too involved and then being hurt has solidified this attachment style to the point where even deep friendships are intimidating.

[ScorpionPrincess]

I also have a fear of impending doom when a relationship gets more "serious" I feel as though something is expected from me, and the closeness and being able to trust another person is the most life threatening feeling, even the thought of marriage or partnerships makes me question the person in my mind repeatedly and if their feelings are "real", its so hard to explain in words what I go through.

I am happiest when I am alone and Independent, I don't like to rely on anyone for my emotional well-being, financial or anything else. I have always self soothed, self financed, self loved and self everything, I am the hermit but also very social when I want to be but others even friendships I can't get too close, I always have to create a distance real or imagined

[carol]

When you’re so avoidant that you don’t even want to reach out to a therapist because you don’t trust them 🤨

[Merbella]

This style also develops from an emeshed mother and distant father. It's not always from neglect. It leads to codependence not independence. Many avoidants have this but it's not talked about a lot.

[walker]

Have been with my wife for 11years and never realised I had this issue until she said she's out and wants to go it alone with our 2 kids. She has anxious attachment and every couple of years or so there will be an outburst at me for not being more emotionally present and intimate, for disregarding her feelings, for constantly finding activities to avoid our relationship (gardening, renovations, fantasy footy blah blah blah) etc. etc. Somehow we get over it and it all goes back to being the same as before, the cycle resets. I feel sick knowing I've had these issues for all this time and never realised. This has potentially destroyed my life, stripped me of the one person I love most and my 2 kids. They should teach this stuff in school! I now realise I have this problem and am committed to changing and already feel like a different man but she feels emotionally burnt out and doesn't know if she can go again.

[sherryvaldezcruz]

OMG 🥺😭 Finally. This is it! My root! 60 yrs later. The amt of trauma, addictions and survival skills I’ve developed and experienced all come down to this!

[donstoddard]

Damn I'm 70 years old and you just finished describing my life. Thank you

[Peace.Beyond.All.Understanding]

I cant thank you enough for putting the time an effort into giving us this life changing stuff for free. It gives me enough to think, hell yeah therapy is worth it for me.

[purplemoose]

I’m avoidant and this is the most accurate description of me ever

[blingwraith]

SO THIS IS WHY I DRINK SO MUCH. But seriously though, I'm so happy I found this video because I'm really realizing how much being avoidant has ruined my friendships

[thetripimon]

The avoidant style you are explaining describes me. My last relationship that I was in and out of for 6 years was not healthy for both of us. To top it off I am gay and due to my Christian upbringing and beliefs about homosexuality I also had the added guilt, shame and anxiety around sex. Plus, ocd! So not only was I avoidant I rarely wanted to have intimacy and sex with my boyfriend to avoid how I would feel afterwards. He was wise to leave. My Father was emotionally unavailable and my mother used her children to get more of her emotional needs met. I was her confidant. Her and I were definitely enmeshed. I am once again in counseling and committed this time. Because I want to have healthy relationships in the future. Currently living out of my van, no friends, no stable income and refusing to fall back on my parents for support like I have my entire adult life. Thankfully I am sober from cannabis, 3 weeks now. One day at a time!

[bunniewood]

As a secure who dated an avoidant, I can say it hurts everyone. I was an amazing girlfriend to this person. He made me feel lonely and neglected constantly in the relationship. I took his avoidance as incredibly selfish and aloof. None of my needs were met at all and even though I had other men interested in me I was deeply loyal and he wouldn't even sleep with me. My self-esteem was destroyed by this person and even 2 years later I'm still recovering from that treatment. He would avoid seeing me for 2-3 weeks at a time. In the end of our 3 year relationship I broke it off with him even though i loved him. To this day i don't think he will ever understand the potential we had and what he destroyed. I feel truly sad for him.

[distico]

I was dignosed as avoidant and when I listen to your description of avoidant people I feel like you're talking about me. it's nice to give a name to my character

[jamimixon]

You really nailed this for me. I am so avoidant that I lost a marrriage and friends and others because of my ways. I found myself praising my mother because how I turned out. I’m just now processing this at 28. Thank you so much.

[bethwaller]

Having been raised by an emotionally distant and rejecting mother, I developed an avoidant attachment style. This is at odds with my INFJ personality. I feel all kinds of things, but was trained, by my mother, to hide my feelings (out of self-preservation).

[karlscheel]

My father was definitely the "authoritarian figure", although my mother was not. My mother was the type who would simply agree and defer to my father, no matter what he said or did. I remember him pounding his fist onto the dinner table on _many_ occasions over the _smallest_ of issues during my childhood; he definitely *wasn't* an easy person to be around! Thank you Dr. Sage, for getting me to understand why I am the way I am.

[libefey]

Amazing explanation. I feel like I can finally pinpoint it. It’s really exhausting because it’s never my intention to hurt my significant other but once the relationship “plateaus” and is out of the honeymoon phase, it becomes too real for me. That’s the point where I welcome cheating, flirting, or just leaving. I feel really shitty about destroying these men though so I find myself here trying to heal from this. Even in friendships, I find myself annoyed if the relationship becomes too high maintenance for me. Definitely subscribed!