Why Fearful-Avoidants Struggle To Move On (And What To Do About It)

[alexanneschronicles]

Being perceived as someone that is really open by others while fully knowing that you only share things that you already know how to contain and never sharing anything that feels truly vulnerable is such an isolating thing because people don't know that there's this whole hidden side. Being fearful avoidant it's a special kind of hell.

[thecommonsensecapricorn]

This is so so so on point. Very affirming. I never knew how to put that in words but people find me very warm and “emotional” and im very comfortable talking about vulnerable things but it’s NEVER the stuff I’m still struggling with, it’s stuff I’ve already processed and overcome.

[DerGriffon]

The part about leaving while still in love and then struggling to scrape myself off the proverbial bathroom floor, hit home really hard.

[PeukinsPoint]

Not "leaving while you're in love" is a game-changer for me. Thank you.

[whiggygirl]

One of my biggest problems, is that I don't have any friend who can help me make a decision when I'm disorientated between my thoughts and feelings. All they ever say is "block him!" and blame EVERYTHING on the man. It doesn't help me whatsiever and has caused me to shut down even more.

[patricktherrien]

EVERY time I think “this video isn’t really about me but I’ll watch anyway because I know I’ll learn something “ —- its always about me.
I don’t know if I can thank you enough Heidi Priebe. ❤

[dndmkby]

Lots of fearful avoidants also project their fears even if theyre not always the full picture and run away from doing the real communication work necessary for many relationships esp when there is true love there

[lakotamm]

I broke up with my ex 6 months ago. At the point of making the decision I was certainly perceiving our relationship as a burden and a limit to experiencing other things in life. 2 weeks passed and I was already missing her and trying to find ways to get her back. 3-4-5 months passed and whenever I would get into a bit emotionally more anxious state I would immediately badly miss her. And this certainly switches around - sometimes I am like I am fully over her, don't miss her at all and sometimes I am like "she is so fucking attractive" "I miss her so much" "I really want the comfort which she was giving me".

I am certainly not 100% over her. And at the same time I can see that she is actually doing better then before or at least claims that - even though she was the one behaving anxiously before we broke up. So yeah, I left while I was in love with her, I was just deactivated because of all of the pressure.

For the last year I have been working hard to expand the number of people who I feel comfortable with asking for deep emotional support. But as you said, reaching deep down and showing those parts of myself which I am not comfortable with is hard.

[georgia]

This is what I did to my relationship over 30 years ago. You explained the deactivation when you’re still in love perfectly. I just broke down.
I broke it off out of the blue. Nothing was wrong. We were having a great time. I was totally falling for him. The trigger, I now know, was him traveling to see me for a date, and he came to the house and met my family. It became real to me and I panicked about my seriously dysfunctional family, and my inadequacies, and ultimate rejection. I completely deactivated. This all happened completely unconsciously for me back then. I saw him at a gathering last year, and it all came up for me again. We did talk some a few months later, and he remembered something that I had completely blocked out. The date, where he met my family.
This past year has been learning about my attachment style problems and reconnecting to my inner child and all my emotions, so I can heal.
I’ve been alone most of my life.
I would’ve married him.

[mizzviolet]

Holy cow, multiple times in this video where my jaw dropped because it was the first time anyone had ever put to words experiences i've had and feelings i've felt. Particularly when you mentioned the disgust response, I've experienced that with all of the (very few) partners I've had and could never understand why. To jump from fawning to literal disgust within seconds is an absolutely bizarre experience.

It's also particularly relevant as last year, my ex abrubtly ended our relationship by telling me he had to move because of work/home reasons as well issues with his citizenship. At the time even though I was heartbroken, I was in the middle of a disgust response and that lead me to feel a sense of relief about our relationship ending. I don't know if I'd say it made the grieving process easier, but it definitely made it a bit shorter than my usual. Anyways, an entire year goes by and I haven't heard from him at all, I had actually had him blocked on all social media as after our relationship ended, at some point the narrative i told myself about the relationship and the break up turned into a villain/victim narrative with me being the victim. I get a text out of the blue from him about 2 weeks ago, it's the sweetest, kindest text I've ever recieved. he told me he misses me and thinks of me every day, he still loves me, he hopes im surrounded by people who love me and happy, it was genuinely so kind and didn't have any hint of romance or flirtiness to it at all, just mature kindness. but it suddenly brought back all my feelings of heartbreak and loss that i felt the day he told me he was leaving. I suddenly believed that I was still in love with him and started a limerance fantasy with him in my head where im fanatasizing about him coming back constantly. It's so hard to discern between what is true genuine emotion and what is just my attachment style acting up.

[michifornow]

This is the best video on FAs that I’ve seen on YouTube, and I’ve watched literally hundreds of them. Thank you, Heidi.

[jeromegaynor]

All your fearful avoidant videos are brilliant Heidi, but this one is just incredibly helpful. Kinda makes me wanna cry when I think what a difference they would have made in my life 20, 10, or even 2 years ago. Your explanations are so clear and self-evidently true that they’ve given me the first enthusiastic hope that I’ve ever had that I might actually figure out how to have a non-torturous relationship before I die! So grateful 💔

[noahdecoco]

Wow... this is one of the most compassionate ways someone has described what it's like to be a fearful-avoidant. Usually, all I get is hate and judgment for being flaky, indecisive, hot and cold, chaotic, heartless, mean, etc... Used to make me feel very ashamed of myself because deep down all I really want is to be kind and compassionate to people. I'm learning to shed the shame now in my late 30's. It's so fricking hard. From what I understand, the best way out is to build a really healthy foundation of self-trust. Just got to keep on working at it!

[sherlockholmes]

The internet always “anxious/ avoidant” making me think I’m anxious but I knew it wasn’t right. Your descriptions are crazy, you’re not annoying to listen to at all and have articulated what I go through as fearful avoidant. I’ve always said things like “I am everything and it’s opposite”; “I regret it all and I don’t regret any of it”; “I trust everyone and no one” (In the moment I trust, when I think about it after I don’t.”
Thank you so much. This All makes so much sense. And you’re 10 signs you might be fearful avoidant. It all lines up - a couple points are defiantly subconscious and will take some acknowledgment. The yo-yo-ing is destabilising torture. Thank you

[grat]

TIL I'm a fearful avoidant. I felt so understood. You did a great job of explaining, Heidi. You have a gift.

[fembot]

This is what happened to me when I lost my husband of 20 years. I had nowhere to turn for help or processing. I had to protect myself and my vulnerabilities from those around me. He was the one I leaned on in my life. His loss has been devastating.

[roshomosho]

What an amazing video!!! 😮 this just means that the FA who leave the relationship while still in love, never get over the relationship, even if they enter and exist a new relationship once in 5 or 10 years. If you havent gotten over the previous romantic relationship, you have just forgotten about it, while falling in love with a new person, which is actually a coping strategy in order to stay away from the deep unresolved pain from the first relationship! Its like loving the new person only because they offer that much of an effective distraction from true emotions and true emotional pain still present. Mind blowing 🎉

[kaytaylor]

I love how you speak to fearful avoidant attachment without shame. I feel so open to your message knowing I can put my guard down and listen to where this lands. Thank you for the guiding light into some confusing dark places with such Love ♥️🌞🎶

[Sariimura]

Thank you for explaining attachment theory in a practical manner! I am constantly triggered by your videos, but I take that as a good thing, it means there is something to learn (or re-learn) and in order to do that, I need to sit with some “uncomfortable” emotions. Here’s to working on ourselves and hoping we can be more securely attached every day. We all deserve to live in peace with ourselves and others.

[spilledbeans]

This is probably the most accurate explanation about FAs, I’m anxious but you gave clarity about what the person who left me was going through. I wish him well but I’m not gonna go back to to him. I can’t save him I hope he can save himself I’m still working on myself to become secure and that is not be attracted to people with insecure attachment. Thank you for this. You’re the best