6 Things Fearful Avoidants Think When Pulling Away | Fearful Avoidant Attachment

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In this video, we go over 6 things that fearful avoidants think will make them deactivate. These thoughts are common when there are unhealed core wounds and limiting beliefs that cause them to pull away.

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I’m Thais Gibson, welcome to my channel and thank you for stopping by!

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[Mosdefinitelyable]

I think it’s important to remember the costs of withdrawing. FAs are so used to using the coping mechanism because it works on some level to reduce pain. But it doesn’t help build relationships long-term. It’s a really hard cycle to break, but thank God we have this self-awareness, self-love revolution. The next generation is going to be so amazing.

[busyazn]

Thank you!
0:35 Intro
0:50 Feeling unseen or unappreciated.
2:55 #1 - Flight response. I shouldn’t be here. I don’t want to be with you.
4:00 #2 - I chose wrong. FA create distant by
4:25 #3 - This person doesn’t care about me. FA feels the other isn’t doing anything to show they care.
4:55 # 4 - Spitefulness. They walk away bc they feel they’re taken for granted. FA don’t know how to express their needs, understood, cared for, etc.
7:15 #5 - I can’t trust them bc they don’t show up, expect so much from me or appreciate me. They don’t respect me. Another flight/freeze strategy by the FA. Core wound of distrust.
8:24 #6 - I shouldn’t be in a relationship.

[justbncece]

I honestly thought I had a form of bipolar disorder but I realize now that my extreme and polarizing ways of thinking is due to my FA attachment style. I’m literally dumbfounded

[madawageises]

This video is so timely. 🤔 I'm literally deactiving as an FA atm.

I am seeing myself in all these 6 points. I'm struggling so hard. Being an FA is intense 😭 and even worse when you feel unheard or unseen

[unlockingwealthwithin]

I did every single one of these things with my last partner. The Universe tells me love is coming my way. I will take the 7 day class and prepare myself for love. My FA style comes from parental abandonment and verbal abuse. I just don't want to be afraid anymore.

[markcafebrown]

This is 100% my wife. 12 years into our marriage her repressed memories of her relationship abuse she went through in her late teens came flooding back along w/Flashbacks. Looking back over last 17 years my wife definitely has most of what you’re saying. She is finally getting help.

[howtosober]

RE: DA vs. FA deactivation: In my experience, DAs deactivate any time there's a conflict where they're not getting their way or over an issue brought up by the other person. When this happens enough, the DA deactivates hundreds of little times on a daily basis until their partner can't take it anymore and leaves, or the DA just lives in their narrative about the relationship instead of checking in to the reality and deactivates themselves right out the door.

On the other hand, FAs usually lean in to their anxious side with a DA and activate over and over trying to fix the relationship until they're fed up with continually being disregarded. Then they deactivate with a hard shutdown and decide that they're done putting *any* work into this relationship until the DA proves themselves by making up for all the one-sidedness the FA feels. If the DA doesn't take that cue to pick up the slack and restore balance, the FA is done forever. Even if they stay, (like for the kids) they're pretty much checked out of the relationship for good.

[gregorystinette]

I never experience these issues with my dog....

[lindseyneon]

So, I’m FA and found myself deactivating strongly over my “I am bad” core wound a lot in my last relationship. I found myself thinking “she chose wrong” just as often if not more than “I chose wrong” since I held her in very high esteem based on our deep friendship before dating. When our disagreements didn’t reach resolution because of our communication struggles, I would spiral over the idea that she was disgusted with me and would eventually wake up to our incompatibility, leading to my self-protective and withholding patterns.

[jenniferkincaid]

Lol, I had a “no-show no call” situation today with my partner and I cycled through literally about 95% of the reactions in this video

[cherylthompson]

Being with a DA will trigger every single fear you have ever had! After a year with him, and having him disappear over and over again..I want to be single forever!!

[hugorabe]

I am a highly educated academic, studied philosophy and come from a family of psychotherapists and still I sit here 39 years old and for the first time in my life there is someone who hits 6/6 patterns of me down to the details. It´s been just a years since I understood that I am a FA and the bonding trauma I experienced as a child and how it made me the man I am today and how it shaped all my romantic relationships.
Thank you Thais for your precious input/output. It helps me a lot to understand myself and in that way change my toxic patterns.

[geneaj]

Holy moly I just cackled. I guess I'm deactivating right now. I'm happy to take a humorous approach to this phenomenon that is honestly very painful. PDS has helped me so much and Thais continues to educate me.

[serenity__now]

I generally identify with the FA attachment style but at the same time feel I’ve often stayed in toxic or just unsuitable relationships far longer than I should have in the past bcs I didn’t trust my instincts and undermined them under the FA umbrella…. and also bcs I become so attached to people. So this is a bit of a slippery slope for me. I think it’s important to identify whether we are not compatible with someone for example, even though we might feel chemistry. It’s important to recognise if we don’t feel safe or if our needs aren’t being met. It’s confusing bcs I have gaslighted myself in the past thinking: oh this is just me being too sensitive and demanding…I’m just being FA… - when I just wasn’t in the right relationship. How can you tell the difference, especially in the moment?

[marioct]

It doesn't matter what his flight response reasons are. They have to be self aware, want to be in the relationship, and are actively working on their dysfunction. Their behaviors are childish and unconscious, and the behaviors translate as cruelty.

[shortycareface]

As a (somewhat recovered) FA, I relate to this. Even now while single, I feel like I have times where my fearful-avoidant thought patterns become more pronounced. I have some friends who I hold extremely close, and who I genuinely trust, but I tend to keep other people at an arm's distance because putting in too much effort feels pointless as it tends to fall apart anyway. There needs to be two to reciprocate, and I am done putting in immense effort only to be left hanging. So, these days my thought process tends to be "I'm open to becoming friends, but they can approach me on their own". Especially after I've already tried once; I'm 100% chasing people.

I also tend to base my hobbies around doing things alone. I have friends/acquaintances who have expressed interest in joining me at the gym (I do powerlifting), but I am honest about that I'm not interested in working out together with someone in general. Lifting is MY thing, and I don't want it to depend on anyone outside of me. It's the one thing that keeps me grounded when everything else is too much to handle. It's the one time I can zone out and focus purely on lifting the weight, without any distractions.

I also quite often experience people pushing my boundaries and trying to make me over-commit myself. I used to over-commit myself, due to people-pleasing tendencies, but I have managed to break that pattern this year. The issue is that I am extremely good at masking (I'm also autistic), so I know how to "look" as though I am not about to faint from exhaustion, even while at the end of my rope. Even when I outright state that "I don't have the capacity for more than I currently do", people (apparently) somehow fail to believe it. E.g. I've put an explicit boundary on how often I'm willing to lead meetings (related to volunteer work), and still, people keep trying to push me to "make exceptions just for them". I'm sorry, but they aren't more special than anyone else; I don't place down boundaries to be a jerk, I do it to take care of myself and maintain steady energy levels. Still, I have literally had people become annoyed and angry with me because of this.

Work is an ordeal as well. I strongly suspect I'll quit after the summer. I applied for one position and got a completely different one. Should've been out of there that minute...

[ipaycloseattention]

I'm deactivating right now. Every one of these is true. But I already decided that when I leave this relationship, I will never have another romantic relationship. So I guess my attachment style doesn't really matter once this one's done.

[dianaalvarado]

For me the biggest thing is feeling cared for. Because I felt so uncared for growing up and feeling like I only had myself to rely on, I created a big wound around it. If I felt uncared for and unappreciated by someone in the past, I would deactivate and stop putting effort into the relationship. But I'm learning now to communicate my needs and to ask questions instead of jumping to conclusions that they don't care about me. Thank you for this video, Thais!

[matthewschultz]

Guru Gibson - you are absolutely the best at what you do. I appreciate how you can articulate the FA behaviors down to the real nuts and bolts. I couldn’t be as educated and far in my recovery without you!

[tdubblz]

Oooh that spiteful thing…. This is really so me. Note I’m starting to realize this doesn’t help me get y needs met any better than trying to make relationships work. I just get so frustrated and if I don’t know what else to do, I feel out of control and out of touch, the only thing I feel I can do to preserve and protect myself then is to shut down interaction and contact until I “get over it”, but I never do, I only get anger decide I haven’t yielded any results and then shut down altogether.