How Can a Narcissist Change? | Is Lack of Insight Invariable?

This video answers the questions: If someone is a narcissist, how can they change? Does the lack of insight associated with narcissism make it impossible to change?

Narcissism:

There are two types of narcissism: With grandiose narcissism we see characteristics like being extroverted, socially bold, self-confident, having a superficial charm, being resistant to criticism, and being callous and unemotional. Vulnerable narcissism is characterized by shame, anger, aggression, hypersensitivity, a tendency to be introverted, defensive, avoidant, anxious, depressed, socially awkward, and shy.
Narcissistic personality disorder:

This is a disorder listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM). The definition for this disorder contains nine symptom criteria, five of which are required for diagnosis.
1. A grandiose sense of self-importance
2. preoccupation with exaggerated fantasies of success, power, and beauty
3. believing oneself to be special or unique
4. requiring excessive admiration
5. having a sense of entitlement
6. manipulating others interpersonally
7. lacking empathy
8. being envious of others
9. being arrogant, pretentious, or supercilious

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[Aldedandra]

I've been going to therapy for years. Thought i mostly suffered from Depression and shame. Turns out i developed narcissism due to parental neglect and learned behaviors. When first told that I am a narcissist, i didnt want to believe it. But once i started to see my behaviors and how it was affecting other people, i was able to come to terms with my disorder and been working on how to fix it. It's definitely not easy and although some say it isnt possible to change a narcissist, I am starting to see hope in myself and I hope others can get the help I am getting as well. It has really changed my perspective on life and others.

[noorhajime]

Lying => Listening .
Chatting => Checking.
Responding => Reflecting.

[traciehigginsChaCha]

We all have narcissistic behaviors and watching this video helps me to see how I can better relate at work, home, and with friends. I really enjoyed this.

[GamesCooky]

I have never seen myself as a narcissist. But the lack of insight part is intriguing. Imagine if you go your entire life talking shit about those around you, saying they're so narcissistic. And then it just turns out you're the actual narcissist. You just lack the insight to see it.
That's interesting. Way to flip the table.

[pilikika]

All these narcissist, borderline personality, etc. videos have been truly helpful. They pertain to my life and current situation a little too much. Thank you Dr. Grande for always being on point! 😊

[robcazant]

Thanks for another incredibly insightful video! It's a bitter pill to swallow that the best a narcissist can hope for is to change behavior and his/her core feelings and thoughts will not change much .You're the first professional I've ever heard giving an explanation about why narcissists lie and its spot on. I've never understood why I lie so much over trivial things, all it ever lead to was broken friendships once I got caught in lies. but now I realize that many of the lies I told were to give the illussion that I am the person I "should be". I never even adressed lyin in therapy because I have too much shame about it and I don't see how it would be productive.

[kitsunegao]

I feel like most narcissists don't even wanna change, they think that the way they are is justified

[Namari]

I agree that the lack of insight is the primary reason that many people say it's impossible for a narcissist to change. They don't realize or recognize that there's anything that needs changing! But if one can get to the point that they recognize they're narcissistic, recovery suddenly becomes possible. It's also good for all of us to reflect on how to be less narcissistic in our own lives - like, reflecting in conversations rather than responding with our own problems, for example. Excellent advice for us all!

[corinnegodard]

Very interesting video with real and simple solutions.
I think that even when one has been the victim of narcissistic abuse, one can feel sad for the narcissist too.
The narcissist is a former victim and tries to survive.
The narcissist became a narcissist because no one recognized them as victims and nobody gave them this type of advice.
When the narcissist has become a full fledged narcissist people either enable their behaviours or try to expose them and to shame them, to criticize them harshly.
Too much empathy towards an abuser can become toxic and abject and can make the behaviour worse but harsh criticism can increase shame and reinforce the behaviour too because nobody can listen to and benefit from harsh criticism that puts down.
It is tempting to consider the other as "evil" and it may be temporarily necessary to take back control of oneself but it is very judgemental.
The narcissist is a human being.
I like your approach very much.
Everybody can try and heal the narcissist within themselves.
Your video heals the fracture between people, the fragmentation and it is very beneficial.
Thank you.

[oddwad]

One of your best videos. Very helpful to anyone who is mired in this terrible psychological trap many members of our specie often fall prey to .

[nancywysemen]

soften the blow. chatting, check in. respond, reflect....good for all of us.

[isucyclone]

Dr. Grande, You are BRILLIANT at taking such a hard to understand disorder and explaining it concisely and clearly.

[FirstnameLastname-wxck]

I was INCREDIBLY narcissistic when I was married. I drive my poor wife nuts. She left and I ended up drinking myself into the psych ward. Thank God for a good church family and good parents.

[NatureFreak]

'But if you can only choose one, responding intelligently is far better.'
Thanks for reassuring words. I would hate myself for freezing while bullied, thinking I am not smart enough.

[kirstinstrand]

I especially enjoyed the remarks on lying. They helped me understand lies I've told my family members: wishful thinking on my part. I've never been able to understand the whys and how. Good information, thanks!

[jadeauburn]

I would love to hear examples of people who have realized they are narcissists and reached out for help without it having something to do with a court order or marriage counseling!

[cherylthompson]

As a Borderline, I am always striving to improve myself and to be more insightful about my illness. Over 25 years ago, I was accused of being narcissistic by a narcissist. That insult help me to strive to make sure that the things that I don't like about myself are corrected.

[jacobb]

Thank you Dr. Grande, I struggle with these patterns, in part due to attachment disorder, ASD, ADHD, male socialization, and being exposed to environments where narcissistic people and patterns of behavior are more common, and so in some circumstances, I have been described as narcissistic, self-centred and selfish, where I took these criticisms to heart, becoming instead hyper self-aware of how I come across. Your lack of vindictiveness, and your willingness to actually help people like me who struggle with strategies of how to be more communal and empathetic is a breath of fresh air and gives hope that there is progress to be made, even though the patterns are deep-rooted and require counseling. The pessimistic outlook that is often expressed by prominent figures like Dr. Ramani, can make it feel like personality flaws llike these are untreatable, and not worth investing time in.

[JacobMichael]

🧐As someone with some narcissistic tendencies, I will say that being faced by the fact that I am slightly more narcissistic than average was VERY, VERY hard to admit. Perhaps because it's never fun to confront a blindspot. That said, I do feel like I have made several changes in the way I act & treat people.. But I do still have certain tendencies (like being a aloof at points, fixating on how I'm perceived, feeling "special" or "different"). So I feel like change is possible, but it probably never comes "naturally" because the feelings that drive these behaviors are very very deeply ingrained. I guess only more time will tell the extent to which I can change 🧐

And I'm not malignantly narcissistic -- so I imagine someone with FULL BLOWN narcissism would have a significantly harder time changing in any meaningful way.

But that's just my non-professional opinion 😅

[charleslyall]

Always insightful and balanced. Dr Grande's views are refreshingly free of emotionally charged language. He clarifies without resorting to name calling and pejorative generalisations.