How to Treat Narcissism | FRANK YEOMANS

Frank Yeomans describes (in his classic understanding way) how he deals with being devalued and criticized by his narcissistic (NPD) patients.

We talked with Frank Yeomans about Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).

Frank Yeomans is an expert clinician who makes use of Transference-Focused Psychotherapy in his practice treating NPD and BPD. In fact, he co-wrote the manual on TFP for Borderline Personality Disorder!

[adrianmargean]

I've had an epifani a few months ago. I've realised that I am a narcissist and I often see the world as divided into 2. People that are above me and people that are below me. I also behave as if the world is revolving around me and as if I'm the main character in a movie and everyone else doesn't matter because they are secondary characters anyway. This has made me be either aggressive and arrogant or vulnerable and pathetic, and usually nothing in between. I am fighting with my urges every day and most days they win, but I will start a diary to document any progress I make. I've lived like this for my whole life and I was never really happy, but while the road ahead seems to be very hard, I am hopefull that at least I am aware now of what I need to work on.

[DaUnicorn]

Im A Vulnerable Narcissist & I Get Emotional About It Because I Thought I Was Just Building Thick Skin, Adapting To Pain & Hurt, Instead Im Hurting People. 🤷🏾‍♂

[andrewpaul]

People that talk about Narcissism act like the person is a villain all the time. I am actively trying to CURE MYSELF of this problem of being a covert narcissist. I SEE THE DIAGNOSIS IS CORRECT. and i want to get out of this problem. but people just talk about us like we are lost causes.

[jakeyonland]

'People with narcissism have one particular modality in their mind about what the relationship with another person can be: 'superior', 'inferior', 'who's on top', 'who's on bottom''. This is exactly right, as a narcissist myself, I don't think I'm better than everyone, I can see myself as being below someone, I just can't see people as being on the same level as me.

[aaronblasingame]

I have NPD and have been suffering with it since middle school, i realized i had it because my father always demonstrated traits, I’m 19 know and finally took action to try and help myself because its not a life i want my future family nor myself to live, please support those who have it because its honestly the hardest thing I’ve ever had to address in my life, and even though I’m 19 its caused me a tremendous amount of stress, anxiety and depression.

[static]

my dad is a textbook narcissist. Seeing his relationship with my mom over the years really affects me and i'm so toxic. When i talk to people about what i really feel they tell me i'm fucked up in the head and shit like that and they tell me they cant trust me. I just want to be normal, i want to be able to keep the friends i make and i dont want people to "leave bad reviews" when our relationship is over for whatever reason. They told me i'll grow up to be exactly like my dad and i don't want that. I don't want to make anyone else feel the distress i've been going through.

[DominickDecocko]

"They dont know mutuality, commonality" MAN that was too good of an observation. I think that's part of their charm because they treat you as superior first and once they realize you are only human they become those monsters to you because you are this inferior pest.

[delaneyvanderlaan]

This man :, ) bless him. I think a lot of people want to label people with NPD as “bad” or “evil” and thats that. I’m glad there’s someone out there who not only cares for those with NPD but is accepting and understanding.

[jakeyonland]

I used to only talk to people in two ways, like I'm either giving them too much respect and praise and trying to please them all the time incase they're superior to me or I'm expecting them to look up to me and listen to what I have to say all the time and dismissing their emotions like I'm superior.

[rudhisundar]

This is exactly what it is. Narcissists do not believe in WIN-WIN, they believe in WIN-LOOSE.

[sugarfree]

Frank Yeomans is a professional. Most of watching this are not professionals. There is a clear set of boundaries with the therapeutic relationship - time/place/duration, etc. For those of us living civilian lives with NPD individuals, it's a different kettle of fish. I see below several comments expressing admiration for the 'unconditional love' expressed by Yeomans, and I fear that people will get eaten for breakfast by 'their' narcs. Please be aware, the therapeutic relationship is not necessarily a model for everyday life.

[micheller]

After having to deal with too different types of narcissits through out my life, I have immense respect for those who recognize their pattern and chose to seek help and go through with it. It is clearly a very difficult position to be in.

[BlackCoffeeee]

As a narcissist, I see people on a scale of 'who's better than me and who's worse than me'. I tend to put the former on a pedestal and the latter into a useless/irrelevant pile. This is a movable scale but usually stays quite fixed.
The idea that someone might be at my level (that level could be either high, medium or low) is inconceivable. We are starkly alone and unheard in this world.
Like most narcissists, I observe and study people intently, the sad truth, which exacerbates the disorder, is that most people appear more selfish, superficial and opportunistic than me. I'm guessing confirmation bias plays a big part here.
In a messed up, twisted way, we're on a lifetime mission to find real, honest, sincere love and for us, it can't be found anywhere, in any relationship or dynamic.
On a positive note, like me, many narcissists find that love when they find God. I often wonder why many of us narcissists have strong feelings about God (one way or another). Maybe only God can know us because for some cruel reason, humans can't.

[monicagrigore]

I completely agree. Finally, someone who does not label people as “evil”. Perhaps, if we all stop sticking labels on one another and try our best to see things from different perspective, this world would be so much better.

[fifik]

I think his advice is aimed at therapists working with NPD clients. Not for people in a toxic NPD relationship where you are having to cope with toxic behaviours and comments on a daily basis. Everyone is different but their will be a lot of self-sacrifice and unhappiness staying with a narc. Perhaps the time would be better spent understanding yourself, and why accepting such a distressing situation has been normalised.

[chromiakocosmos]

I keep seeing people in the comments try to talk about their experience living with NPD and then people reply with hurtful words and aggression. Like I get it, lots of people have been abused by narcissistic people, but please don't take it out on some stranger online.

NPD is one of the most stigmatized disorders out there, and this guy is helping people who have it recognize it and recover. I know you can do better than this. I know you can stop mouthing off and be something even greater. Take kindness in your heart and leave people you don't agree with alone. They are trying to be better, why stop them???

[nicoleharrington]

I have this problem which sabotaged all of my relationships, I need help that is realistic and effective. This is it!

[eternal_nomad]

This guy has done a lot of inner work. I feel the same way as he's speaking. You lead with unconditional love.

[TonyLenart]

Frank Yeomans is terrific. However, rather than suggesting ABSORBING narcissist's aggression, I'd suggest phrases like "remaining present with their aggression" or "letting them be somewhat aggressive", or even "letting their aggressive energy flow past yourself" might be better.

[meggallucci]

Good advice. I am trying to get along with a narcissist I care about, and you have to roll with the verbal punches and understand that the narcissist has no insight about you. He knows nothing about you. His aggression may be directed at you, but nothing is ever really about you. If you can detach from the superior attitude, you can get along with a narcissist. Do not ever put up with any form of physical aggression.