CAN A NARCISSIST CHANGE? HERE'S WHAT HAS TO HAPPEN

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Can a narcissist actually change? Often the answer is no, it's not going to happen. But sometimes conviction comes upon that person and change is possible, though not easy. Psychotherapist Dr. Les Carter outlines what needs to happen if a narcissist decides that he or she is ready for a better path in life.

Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author who lives in Dallas, Tx. He has conducted many workshops and over 60,000 counseling sessions over the past 39 years.

[AishaNYC]

I’ve seen them tone down their mean-spirited behavior. Most of the time it’s when everyone gets sick of them and they end up alone.

[lynnross]

He said, “ I know I need to change” . He said he did a lot of changing 12 years ago, but now realized he need to do more. So, why do I want to leave, because I have put up with his narc ways for 46 years. It’s too late for me, but for you young ones who are dealing with a nar, RUN!

[violetgypsie]

I’ve had 20 years of tears, emotional abuse, crazy-making and neglect. Kicked him out twice. Had so many promises of change that lasted from a couple of minutes to a couple of weeks. There is no actual authentic desire or capacity to actually change because there is no empathy. You cannot magic empathy out of the air. Have zero expectations. Do not be emotionally invested in their declaration of change. If they want to change you will not need to prompt, nag, plead. They would just do it.

[AQ]

🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟
Thank you I needed this
🙏

I’m going to change and I do want to get serious with being a more mature person.

☯️☯️☯️☯️☯️

I’ve hurt a lot of people with my narcissistic traits. And I’m tired of it. I’m gonna change

[COACHCLCHEER]

What I learned is that they will not change, and any trying to talk to them and literally beg them to ease up, they only get worse. I had to just learn with my dad to not ask because he would do it 1, 000 times more with no remorse. This is why to this very day now that the split second I feel any of that getting near me I EXIT STAGE LEFT.

[smileyhehehe]

When narcissist sees this, they will say "I am entitle and deserve to be who I am. I dont need to change. PEOPLE around me NEED to CHANGE instead. They need to know that I deserve to be me and people just need to be themselve. They need to learn how to HANDLE ME, ME

[zp]

If narcissists don’t have empathy, how can they change for the better or do they just become better actors?

[brettharding]

I can't thank you enough for this post. I went years being "an asshole" before I discovered I had legitimate narcissistic traits. It took dating a narcissist. To be honest, I knew I had issues...i just wasn't aware some of it was so deep seeded. I'd lied, cheated, manipulated...its awful. I feel such resounding guilt for it. I've spent the last year single and working on myself. Ive already employed a few of the tactics you outline in the video. Its hard to come face to face with it. But I'm with someone who means so much. For me, for her, for my future...I can't be this person. It's so easy to degrade the narcissist, every video on under "how to stop being a narcissist" is a warning to avoid us at all costs. Maybe I'm not as deep in as I assumed...unsure. But it's refreshing to see a helping hand. So again. Thank you. Subbed and belled.

[judithnelson]

The bit about walking away and shaking the dust from you feet, applies in this instance as well. It is not your problem. Leave them to it.

[innertheater]

"We can't change, unless we accept it. Condemnation does not liberate, it oppresses." - Carl Jung

[lucasnooker]

I'm 25 years old and I just discovered I am a narc! I didn't even realise! I knew my father was mental because he argues with everyone for hours! and we never knew what it was we just said he was mad. Turns out hes 100% a narc and my gf suggested to me that i was and i laughingly joked it off but over the past few years actually i caught myself in actions where i kept thinking "shit! that's like my dad!" and apparently it runs in the family... :S the more I dig through these videos the more im convinced. i dont match every single thing but enough that its convinced me... I hope its not too late to change... I only just realised this now! I am hoping if i move on to a different lifestyle I can learn to respect other people and get myself back together before its too late! I certainly don't want to end up like my father lol You also hit the nail on the head for me right there when you said "its time for me to get serious about being a more mature person" and thats exactly what i've gotta do

[Rgirl]

Dr. Carter, you are such a gift to humankind. Your kind, perceptive analysis and practical illustration of the path to healing really transcends the psychological spectrum of human existence. You make the world a better place and renew my sense of the basic goodness in humanity. How courageous you are to dive right in to the deepest depravity of the human soul and emerge so seemingly unscathed. Please take care.

[willmack]

I was looking at this video and it saddened me. As much as I would like my wife to change, the things he listed made me realize that it would be a near impossible task😔

[jollygoodshow]

I think my biggest problem was genuinely thinking I was a victim when things didn't go my way and I felt like I wasn't being strong enough when I constantly felt like one.

[officerfarva]

I’m not a narcissist but I came here because I am married to one. The funny part is that I didn’t really take anything from this video for his improvement but took quite a bit for my own self improvement lol. I feel this can apply to anyone, and it’s great to have those gentle reminders that can keep our egos in check, narc or no narc. Thank you so much for your videos! Much appreciation for what you do on your channel! :)

[empirical]

Well said! An honest path of understanding in how to come out of Narcissism. I've seen what seemed too be full blown Narcissist's as they age in life, begin to question why the consequences of their narcissism had lead them to loneliness, abandonment and worse. Those are the ones in the higher categories that sometimes gain the mind set to accept what they have been and willing to follow the path which leads to a newer life and contentment inside themselves. For, and I won't say few, I will say some who can take this video to heart, I pray God's blessing upon them to have the courage to accept the truth and honestly with humility follow these excellent steps which will bring about real change.

[LindyLooo]

Since Manipulation is a HUGE character defect of theirs, you never know if they are really changing, or just deepening the plot...

[avgonyma]

Narcissism can be a full blown personality disorder or a pattern of living that's on a spectrum. Based on that there is or isn't possible to change.

Narcissism:
1. Have a high need to control others. --> need to drop the illusion to need to get into someone's mind and rearrange it to suit their needs.
2. Have a low level of empathy (they are focused on their feelings, not others') --> willingness to tune into some else and realise they have feelings, perceptions, interpretations. Recognise that and Include it in your communication.
3. Tend to be exploitative, manipulative --> stop the game playing. Don't feel people are there to be used and manipulated by you, to suit your needs.
4. Have a real strong sense of entitlement (it's all about them, what they want, want to be extra special, all the world revolves around them) --> drop the entitlement. not everything is about you. Other people have needs. Let's zero in on that.
5. Want to be superior --> recognise equality
6. They have alternate realities (if I think it, then that's the only reality there is) --> realise that other people have their truth and receive it
7. They can be charming, but fake --> have friendliness, without the manipulative twist

What needs to happen for a change process:
1. Drop your "know it all" attitude, start with some humility. It really isn't all about me. And because I think something is true, doesn't mean there are not alternatives. Have a wish to learn, from other people.
2. Solicit input from other people. Ask them what to change. (And examples). Be open to suggestions, receive input with no particular defence.
3. Be specific of what you see on the inside, that needs to change. Everyone of us has problem. We are all broken in some way. Name your "brokenness" (bad temper, judgemental, critical spirit, stubbornness, defensiveness)
4. Make yourself accountable to people you trust. (Trusted friends, counselor, support group).
5. Be willing to make amends, for some of the wrongs you did. Go to the people, tell them you're sorry, that you're trying to improve, offer restitution. Show goodness, kindness.
6. Become a student of healthy living. Want to learn. Study good psychology, emotional and relational skills.

6 steps to be in a change process (takes time to unfold!):
1. Focus on decency, cleanness, goodness.
2. Show self restraint (put the brakes on when you feel the need to pop off, be critical, impatient). There are other people in the room.
Slow down, be patient of what's going on in the life of other people.
3. Be patient. Narcissistic are very impatient, it's part of their judgemental spirit, of their sense of entitlement. The patient person knows it takes time to coordinate.
4. Be honest. Let people know about your successes, and failures.
5. Be a listener. Be interested in what other people have to say, be willing to know what is behind the scenes.
6. Conscientiousness. Have a sense of courtesy in the community. Make sure your actions (what you think, say and do) is going to impact others in a good way. Be a team player.
7. Tenderness, gentle spirit, as opposed to harshness, forcefulness, dominance.

Can a narcissist change?
Some people will just say that this is BS. Those have an ingrained narcissism, and can not get away from it.

Some will realise some steps are not easy. They require breaking of old habits, the commitment to a better and new ingredients. For them it can happen.

For those who hope someone will change, ask yourselves if you can be the change you want to see.

[patriciahopey]

Antrograde and retrograde amnesia . A bolt of lightening. Thankyou 3cheers from Canada

[flipperth]

As others have said, it’s about a will or desire to change and be better. This is possible, but it will take effort, learning and understanding. It’s unlikely to be an overnight process though. Good luck to all those trying to change and be better. You’re not alone. ❤