Partner of a Narcissist - First Steps to Change

Please watch: "How You Can Control Your Emotions with Dr. Fox - Affective Regulation"
Are you the partner of a narcissist or someone along the narcissistic spectrum?

Perhaps you're a mental health provider working with the partner of a narcissist or someone along the narcissistic spectrum. This video is design to help you identify the initial steps to starting treatment and areas of consideration to move forward and plan a trajectory of success. You do have choices and you can build the insight to DO IT DIFFERENTLY!!

Daniel J. Fox, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist in Texas, international speaker, and award winning author. He has been specializing in the treatment and assessment of individuals with personality disorders for over 15 years in the state and federal prison system, universities, and in private practice. His specialty areas include personality disorders, ethics, burnout prevention, and emotional intelligence.

He has published several articles in these areas and is the author of:

His newest workbooks:

Overcoming the Narcissistic Dynamic: Successful Treatment Techniques for Narcissistic Spectrum Clients, Their Partners, and Their Children --COMING SOON--

The Complete Borderline Personality Workbook: Growing Beyond Your BPD --COMING SOON--

Dr. Fox has been teaching and supervising students for over 15 years at various universities across the United States, some of which include West Virginia University, Texas A&M University, University of Houston, Sam Houston State University, and Florida State University. He is currently a staff psychologist in the federal prison system, Adjunct Assistant Professor at University of Houston, as well as maintaining a private practice that specializes in the assessment and treatment of individuals with complex psychopathology and personality disorders.

Thank you for your attention and I hope you enjoy my videos and find them helpful. I always welcome topic suggestions and comments.

Citation: Fox, D. (2013). The clinicians guide to the diagnosis and treatment of personality disorders. Eau Claire, WI: PESI Publishing and Media. npd

[cooldogsofwv]

Great example of a narcissist, he just now knocked a glass of the kitchen counter and blamed me because I set it there, he is NEVER to blame for ANYTHING

[MrKauffdog]

Many people in narcissistic spectrum relationships are extremely injured by the time it gets to a point of therapy. It would be nice to see a video that helps set some general boundaries in preparation for therapy.

I've been married 22 years. I just moved out of my house last week. I've read five books on narcissism including rethinking narcissism. Unfortunately because I am codependent and have abandonment issues growing up with seven dads and five moms and every category of abuse, I have pretty much done all of the things that you're not supposed to do to a narcissist when I finally lash out and stand up for myself but in a very angry and unhealthy manner. It becomes so difficult for people who have been in these relationships for so long to control their emotions when it gets to that point where the fuse is gone. Just explosions.

I believe I can hear my wife crying out from deep inside the pain she went through growing up. I got so much counseling and different perspectives with so many parental figures, that has helped me learn a lot of coping mechanisms to not be a victim or a byproduct of my past. However, I hurt my wife. I break her heart. It doesn't matter to me whether the anger is justified because they are injured with something they cannot bridle or take hold of, then I see therapy for me just as important it is for her if my goal is truly to fix our relationship.

My wife and I are getting into arguments that I can't honestly believe people would get into arguments for and they last for days with no reflection. She screamed at me for an hour for stealing her purse last week because she knows she set it down and was swearing at me and cussed me out and flipping me off and all in front of our kids. Of course I eventually interrupted and I have a very fast brain, and started with mocking comments of get ready for the non-apology I'm going to get when you find out I didn't steal your purse. Nobody that has a heart with empathy accuses and judges to such the degree that you are with any concern that they might be out of line. Then of course she finds her purse, found out she threw the dirty clothes on top of her purse when she told our son to put the clothes in the dirty laundry and my 15-year-old son let my My wife know that he's the one that lost her purse. There was no apology. Then I was stonewalled for three days because I wanted one or some sort of contriteness.

I have worked very hard and God is brought me a very long way to avoid being a by-product of my past childhood. I won custody of my autistic son completely on my own with no attorney when I was single. I have four boys, married for 22 years, and at this point consider where I am at a gold medal compared to where I could have been in the damage I could have done to any family I would have if I did not get the help I needed when I was younger and have the Lord in my life. All of my boys, including my autistic son are all far more successful and far more mature than I was at their age. My autistic son has already kept His job 5 years longer than I even had a job from 16 to 26.

However, I cannot express the atomic bomb that I sense is about to go off and destroy it all because my wife is hurting so deeply and in my attempts to help have only accelerated the process, and am too injured to be of any assistance other than a sister becoming worse.

So a video that gives tools where two people in a relationship, even for the narcissist, that can set boundaries and preparation for therapy that are simple and pragmatic.

I even told my wife that I'll go through narcissism evaluation, because of course she thinks I'm a narcissist and I expected that from what I've read and learned about the disorder.

However, it is extremely important for tools and resources to be available for those relationships, like my own marriage, that are literally about to fall into the ocean and both parties are stretched too far to take micro steps without causing further disruption.

I had some heartbreaking stories of what she has done to me, but as a Christian and seeing what rejection and abuse can do to a person, I do see my wife in there crying out for help while ignoring the ladder that's in the hole where she is at the same time, but there is a desperation in her voice.

I have gotten to the point where I've gone no contact now for the last 5 days. I am highly codependent with severe abandonment issues, so you can understand how insane I am going right now, especially when you add 10 years worth of stonewalling and unresolved issues that I've had and her ability to stonewall for days as easy as water flowing downstream.

I'm afraid anything I do or attempt at this point, because of my eruptions and blow-ups in the past are only going to be seen as a manipulative attempt for self worship, or mind control, or whatever label she throws in there. So I don't even know how to take the right approach anymore and no contact is the first time I've ever done this and I have no idea what's at the end of this process.

I'm looking forward to your other videos but I have to be honest, my marriage is come to the point where it's like the parable Jesus told about Lazarus and the rich man where the rich man just wanted a drop of water from the torment and he would be satisfied. I am not saying my wife is the torment where she is tormenting me. I'm saying the loss of what we were and what we have built and the feeling of our marriage ending and as I walk away knowing I couldn't do anything more, I'm still walking away from someone that desperately needs to know they are allowed to have value and it can be found in our imperfections.

[fairyberry]

Money is what keeps me away from treatment but my child is the reason I'm watching this video right now. Don't want my child to suffer the consequences of my decisions in life

[leiladixon]

I can tell you that once you grow you’re standards and address your codependency issues everything will change.

[janetgordon]

I have been told I am an empath. He is a narcisist. I am always in pain. It is not a healthy combination. But we do love each other. But its difficult and painful and most of my marriage I feel lonely. But I do not want to leave, because I do love him. I loved him for a long time before I actually understood he was narcisistic, so running away does not feel the right thing to do, just because I can put a title on it now. But it is a very difficult relationship for ME. I hope to find a way to live with it and have a peaceful future. Its so hard though. Sometimes I just say I am sorry, when its him that should be apologising . But I just want a peaceful life. I am 18 years into the relationship. Thats a huge investment. I just want peace.

[fredericmoresmau]

first step, cut ties, permanently
the second step is, that you make sure that you live in distinct cities and social circles
cut ties with everybody that are in merged circles
the third step is: don't contact anyone like this ever again

[KelliBar]

I started therapy as a result of situational depression. In the course of 2 months, it became apparent I was operating from a place of co-dependency. Needless to say, once I started working on that ... and strengthening my boundaries and sense of self, it enraged my NPD partner. Natural end to an unnatural relationship. So grateful for the wake up call.

[nietzschesmuse]

I tend to attract these self-serving people, they are takers, I feel used and so true as a child I was the server of my parents.

[priscillag]

My husband and I have been married for 32 years and he now admits he's a Narcissist and on top of that he's Bipolar too. And he's only getting worse. But through prayer and meditation on my part, I'm learning how to deal with it and live on with him. But it's extremely stressful at times and I do not want to take any meds whatsoever so I'm trying to educate myself on all this so that I can hold on to the little bit of joy I still have in me. But like I said it's not easy! I feel like I'm walking on eggshells when I'm with him. I have to watch what I say, how I respond, react and hates when I sigh and so on and so on. I'm exhausted 😫 I just feel like there's no end to this. So I'm praying for a miracle and patiently waiting.

[alisonjones]

Thank you, it’s one of the few videos that doesn’t make me feel inferior, stupid for not wanting to leave my husband. Thank you again.

[SilentFigure]

Listening today again I cannot wait for more imagine how much people are missing out on you are spot on in my opinion. I so hope and pray more people find out about your channel.

[helenachase]

Dr. Fox, It costs 160.00 per hour to see a psychologist. Then to be asked to purchsse the book co dependant no more Youtube is a Godsend and you are very generous to offer your help here for free... Thank you

[nazbeensultana]

I met someone who abuses and manupilate in the name of love.he give silent treatment and want me to beg.trying to forget all those bad incidents.hard as they are so addictive .

[lindablindt]

I was dumped in hospital he showed off his new girlfriend to me like it was the most natural thing in the world. I think the person I loved disappeared long ago.

[revelationtrain]

This doesn't help the Narccisistic person. It helps other normal people avoid them

[marysullivan]

It's their victims that change they wake up and realise they are getting nothing from their lives with a narcissist

[reneepaulson]

Thank you Dr Fox for these videos. They are extremely helpful to me and others. They should teach some of these things in school. So much grief would be stopped

[reneepaulson]

I left. He was not gonna change. I fried the day I made the decision - not over the relationship ending but how foolish that I had been hoping for a change. 30 yrs I spent with that man because we had children and I did not want them from a broken home. I have harmed the children. I have apologized to my daughters and have asked them to be aware and hopefully they can break the cycle. I was a stay at home mother. I went back to work when my last child went off to school. I have been on my own now for four years. Recovering and trying to make sense of my life. I came across a video one day and then I started doing research. I know that I cannot diagnose him but I am certain that he is a vulnerable narcissist from what I have seen and read and the thirty years of living with him and the patterns of behaviour

[catastrophictabitha]

I was adopted and was the scapegoat of the family of 5 children. My narc mother used triangulation between myself, my sister (her blood) who is disabled and herself. People used to say I was beautiful looking which caused my sister and mother's jealousy. My mother would do things like put me down so my sister could see and my sister's delight would be the payoff for my mother. She would give her all the pretty things. Anyhow, I have realized I have an ingrained belief that I am an inferior female and it is this pathway that was forged before him that my narc partner uses to put me down. Having this understanding helps.

[reneearriaga]

Yes, thank u, Dr. Fox for helping people for free. This is invaluable information for hurting people who truly need it. May God richly bless u!