How to deal with toxic family relationships | Johnson Chong | TEDxRolandPark

Is blood really thicker than water? Is being family enough to outweigh the toxicity of an unhealthy relationship? Over 1 in 4 American adults have experienced family estrangement, be it from one, or both parents, a sibling or a relative. The main causes are emotional abuse, personality and value clashes, mismatched expectations and possible physical/sexual trauma. Johnson Chong poses the idea that toxic family relationships are similar to unspoken one-sided contracts that are full of expectations and obligations that keep us from unapologetically living the life we deserve to live. He asks the question, "if we can negotiate legal contracts, then why not toxic family ones?"

As a gay man, he feared disappointing his traditional Chinese parents who were freedom swimmers, a movement of asylum seekers who risked their lives swimming across the Southern Sea from China to Hong Kong to escape Communist rule in the mid-20th century. Johnson has had to break free from the traditional pressures of what his parents expected of him - to be a hetero-normative son abiding to traditional Chinese customs. And as is the case with many bi-cultural immigrant families, he straddled the fence for a while until he dared to break up with these imposed values that were not in alignment with who he truly is.

Hashtags: #johnsonchong #relatinoships #breakup #family #toxicrelationships #authenticity #familyestrangement #toxicfamily #estrangedfamily Johnson Chong is the best-selling and award-winning author of Sage Sapien: From Karma to Dharma. He is a shaman and the founder of Sage Sapien Soul Academy where he trains aspiring meditation and breathwork teachers. Through the synthesis of the most applicable teachings of yoga, meditation, breathwork, coaching and shamanic healing, his trainings are designed to help people quiet the mind, awaken the heart and free themselves of the roadblocks that keep them from living more authentically and joyfully. He has spoken and led workshops at companies like Unilever, Facebook, Nike, Macquarie, Insight Timer, UBS, UOB and more. Johnson is a native New Yorker, and has lived on 3 continents, currently based in Sydney, Australia.

[connollybrid]

sitting down and talking to family members is impossible when they will not listen to you in the first place....

[Wandertheworldwithme]

I grew up in low income household in Los Angeles. I am the first to go to college, actually I even earned a Masters degree. While in college I utilized the on-campus therapy and worked on myself. I bought a house. I’m the first to have an actual wedding. I am in a healthy marriage and have a child. Of course my cousins stopped talking to me and spoke poorly of me. They are jealous. Instead of feeling proud or desire to improve their lives, they chose the cheap route.

[tranquility]

If they want to change you, they do not love you. Do not ever compromise on your right to be unique...signing a contract means that you are willing to sacrifice something. It took me 51 years to walk away from an extremely toxic family and won't ever "negotiate" my happiness with them again.

[alexandriadillhoff]

"I just wanted my parents to choose me" hit like a brick

[kaverisequeira]

This message is what people need to hear. To be unapologetically ourselves without the guilt and shame of family contracts. Thanks Johnson for this inspiring talk!!

[louise]

5 STEPS OF RENEGOTIATING FAMILY CONTRACT
1. 8:36 Hear + let them know that you did ===> create empathy
2. 9:22 Communicate your true emotions clearly ===> they can understand the effect of their words on you
3. 9:42 Demonstrate (without blame) your understanding of where they're coming from + where you're coming from ===> prepare for the 4th steps
4. 10:22 Request what you want in the relationship
5. 10:44 Offer them the choice to click "agree" ===> they can decide for themselves + you will have a definite answer

11:24 Does this guarantee success?
11:40 What do you do with a "No"?
It takes courage to let go of s.o who can't support you as you are. But if you can find that courage, the reward is you can live unapologetically as you. Renegotiating your family contract doesn't guarantee success/acceptance/..., but it does guarantee that you gain more courage + a new level of self-respect.

I am learning to choose myself.

[minghui]

The Chinese household statements hit hard. I feel the constant need to fulfill their obligations. Everything from marriage, job, and daughter obligations. It is overwhelming and scary.

[sedaiy]

A parent with mental health issues like mine couldn’t enter the contract; the mind is not sound. But the constant abusive interactions have to be enough to distance yourself. It’s not easy either way. Stepping back and finding self love is a journey. Thanks for sharing! Great communication skill technique. Wishing you continued Joy!

[summernight]

This hit on a different level since I was also born into a quite conservative Asian family. I finally decided to move out of my parents' place last week and my payment for the contract went through today. I've struggled my entire life to meet the expectations my Dad had of me academic wise and in other aspects of life as well - such as I should get married and have kids...

I know it means things are going to get quite uncomfy as in I would be lacking a lot of things that I took for granted as I lived at my parents' place and it IS a bit scary to stand on my own feet solely without anyone's help, but I know "living as myself unapologetically" is really important to me whatever the cost.

Thank you SO much for sharing this beautifiul message, Johnson. It couldn't have come at a better time. I hope whoever's reading this can also find the courage to live as who they truly are!

[patriciasimons]

I was surprised at the one in four statistic of family estrangement. There are so many people out there just enduring. This is a tough topic and he really spelled it out very simply for people to understand. Congratulations to you sir. I’m glad I don’t fit into my family dynamic, the holidays can be particularly painful. And congratulations for staying so calm during an emotionally charged discussion you are courageous.

[miasibala]

You speak so eloquently and gracefully about such a tough topic. thank you so much for sharing your truth. i needed this talk so much during this time in my life.

[prosperwithjessie]

I love how you break down the steps for people who feels comfortable to speak with their parents about renegotiating, a chance and hope to preserve the relationship under a new contract. I also applaud your courage for coming out and speaking your truth to your family. As a Chinese, I know how much turmoil and challenges that can cause to you and your parents (and relatives). Not to mention, the emotional suffering pre- and post the breakup. Unfortunately for many of us, we skip the confrontation and gone straight for the breakup because our parents aren’t capable of sitting down and talk like adults. Yet, this is a great educational piece for us who have chosen the off beaten path to deal with family separation. You’ve given us who suffer in silence and shame a voice and place to be heard and seen. Thank you Johnson!

[k.d.]

So we’ll done. Thank you!
I was raised in a violently abusive, neglected family of ten children. We are all adults now, but the dynamics between us all is toxic. While I refuse to interact with my siblings in any way; they don’t know where I live or have my phone number, I nonetheless, feel tremendous compassion for each and every one of them. Certainly, my life is more peaceful without the challenges of trying to decipher the hidden meanings, the jealousy, the unresolved childhood issues, and the general dysfunctional habits. I have recently been diagnosed with a degenerative disease and I know my days are numbered. I am so relieved to have found a new family who do love, value, and care, for me. All I can wish for each of my siblings is that they are as lucky as I have been. They all deserve it.

[selfhelpchampion]

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” ~Plato

[kristinecrowley]

I don’t understand how loving your kids unconditionally is so difficult for some people. For me - there is no other choice. It’s like a biological, instinctual all consuming, unavoidable reality. I love my kids so fiercely and there’s nothing they can do that will ever change that. I will love and support and protect them until the day I die and hopefully after that too. Their happiness is my happiness. Period. And I don’t think this makes me special or makes me a good mom. It just is what it is. I have no control over it. I can’t turn my feelings off and on and nothing my brain says will ever override what’s in my heart. And I simply just can’t wrap my head around there being another way.

Edited to add: And I’m not being judgmental. I’m not naive and unaware. My own parents have let me down. I just think it’s sad....and way beyond my ability to understand.

[dimitrisraptopoulos]

So enlightening and profoundly thoughtful…reminds me of how true this Rumi statement is: “The wound is the place where the Light enters you.”
Thank you!

[stephenfountain]

I like how this is applicable to any toxic “contract” or “relationship”- live life on your terms. I’ve seen other content from this person before about facing trauma head on and find it very helpful. Great to see this video from him.

[railaurque]

The delivery... the whole presentation. PERFECTION.

[erikah]

Great information, unfortunately only civilized open minded individuals will want to make an effort. There are some family members who just don't care and are unreasonable individuals. They don't care if your feelings are hurt all they care about is what they want. Some toxic family members are rude, manipulative, selfish and narcissistic.

[yoadreiter]

What an inspiring talk Johnson. Your ability to turn your experiences into a positive outcome and authentic self are truly commendable. Great talk!!!