Toxic Shame: What It Is And How To Heal From It

[sarahcox]

This video just made me realize that I am addicted to self improvement. I am constantly trying to fix something wrong with me, and so long as I'm continually working on myself then I will earn whatever love comes my way. I never stop and trust that anyone loves me as is. It's as if I'm bargaining and apologizing for my existence 100% of the time. Damn that hurts

[MaggiDaC]

"The only way to relax and be authentic is to be alone." Hearing that is a lot.

[SUNNofODIN]

14:29 "To be shame-bound means that from a young age we learned that there was something wrong with the fact that we have feelings." annnd now I'm crying at work.

[redj]

“Addictive behaviors in the shame-bound person develop as a replacement for human intimacy.” Wow, I feel called out

[tabeabauchspeck]

Holy shit. I just broke down crying. I've been working so much on myself for years, I've been to therapy twice, and only now all of it finally makes sense. How natural lying comes to me, the addictions, the feeling of being better & smarter & more capable (if I'd choose to try) than people around me while simultaneously thinking of myself as rotten to the core, the frequent meltdowns where I cut off everyone, that I'm very good at talking about vulnerable topics without actually being vulnerable, never having experienced REAL intimacy in all my relashionships, my approaching panic attacks as soon as someone catches a glimpse of "me" behind all my guards and masks and filters, the constant feeling of walking on the edge of a cliff...
This changed a lot for me. I feel like I can finally work on the underlying issue rather than patching up symptom after symptom. Thank you so much for this video 💜

(This is hard to post. Even while opening up I HAVE to have control, every word has to be carefully chosen so no stranger on the internet would ever see sth of me I did not intend to show 🙃)

[dgvfsa]

"Somewhere in the past, your will was broken." Absolutely true, and absolutely heartbreaking.

[MaggiDaC]

Oh, so that's exactly the feeling I get of "I cannot be around other people right now" because I'm in a bad mood and know I dont have the emotional energy to rally and Act Normal.

[Chirpy-eojq]

I’ve lived my entire life stuck in fantasy books, and I’m now looking up from 12+ hours every day on fanfiction and realizing that I have an intolerance for staying present. It might be because of ADHD, but I can’t believe that’s all of it.
I’ve thought I’m addicted to stories before, but it always felt like an excuse. I want to be the people in my stories. I want to live their lives and have their friends and eat their food and run and jump and cry and laugh as them. Who needs this husk of a body? Who needs this discard of a mind?

This feels too over the top to post, and I want to delete it, but I also, really, really want to move on. Thank you for posting this video and helping so many people, including myself.

[zaviansyed]

I was raped as a child, I never told anyone. In my entire life. Recently I told my partner, he mentioned about your video. Each and every word of you is so true. Thank you.

[JerrTheHooman]

Something small triggered the shame reflex today and I'm desperately fighting my previous tendencies to withdraw from all my friends and hide under a rock. I was doing so well, but this little thing brought me back to the "you thought you were better? You're just acting. You're not healed, it's just another mask. You're still the same damaged person you've always been. You're just ACTING healed". Fortunately...because I AM HEALED...I can identify that it's Just a temporary backslide. I came to this video for reassurance 😅 shame is tough

[sharonrose]

While I have spent my whole life trying to prove that I am a good person the result was proof that I am horrid/shameful. The struggle has been a real for 50+ years. Recently it has become so in my face I struggle to breathe. I just grabbed hope by the hand. Thank you Heidi and to everyone who has commented.

[simonwilson]

37:00 The most painful part about healing is remembering back to all the moments of self-doubt, and imagining where you would have been in life if it were not for the abuse we suffered.

[ewuraamaackah]

My toxic shame comes from my dad. Growing up, he used sometimes watch my siblings and I, saying nothing, with a look of disappointment, angry, and/or annoyance. It made us uncomfortable and guilty for no reason and made it hard for us to feel free at home. I sometimes felt he hated us or just really didn’t know how to be kind to his own kids but was super friendly with strangers

[the.emc]

"All of us kind of suck sometimes." Such simple and honest truths like this make these heady, heavy topics so approachable. Heidi is the best!

[shimmeringchimps]

Addiction to self-help books, addiction to fantasy, and addiction to travel. I've never heard myself so accurately described. I feel so naked. 😳

[annquigley]

“Core wounds that kicked us off our own teams” that’s a great way of expressing it

[JK-xryp]

Been distracting myself from facing my feelings for 40 years. Thanks to my wife and this YouTuber, just starting to work on my shit. Thank you!

[missit]

The anxiety I feel due to the shame is so intense.

[Snowfoxie]

My grandma used to have “midnight chats” with me when I would visit her over summer break. These chats were about how sinful the world is, how my parents were too lenient, and how all my friends and roughly 99.9% of the world were going to Hell. She’d discuss sins I’d committed that day, like dancing to my A-Teens CD or wearing a “revealing” bathing suit (for context, I was in elementary school at this time 🙃). She said it all with such conviction that I believed her and internalized it all and existed in a state of constant guilt. Now I’m in my 30s and have only just begun to shed that toxic shame. It’s been scary but so good. It feels like I can breathe again for the first time since I was like 5.

[enlightndark]

When we are in the dark, we CANNOT think our way out, we must FEEL our way out! ( I went to 5 therapists for 10 yrs) it is NOT enough to debate the shadow/unconscious wounds within our mind/psyche- We still get pushed around by our toxic inner voice because WE NEED TO RECOVER THE EMOTIONAL ENERGY activating these toxic thoughts- IT IS THE EMOTIONAL WOUND that keeps triggering the toxic shame. If we can become aware of our EMOTIONAL NEEDS by focusing on OUR DEEPEST feelings, putting ALLL OUR ATTENTION on our PHYSICAL BODY, we can practice releasing & soothing this ENERGY & the toxic shame will diminish. (Even counting our breath can help break the mental shame loop) BUT only if we work to EMBRACE & EXPAND OUR EMOTIONAL SELF AWARENESS! Otherwise we will keep acting out our childhood shame program. Thoughts DONT SOLVE PAIN, FEELING OUR FEELINGS resolves pain. And this requires digging really deeply & being very very honest with ourselves & learning WHAT we are really feeling. (BUT most of us will run away from our difficult feelings into distractions or blame others or GET STUCK IN OUR THOUGHT LOOPS.) Debating in our head is useless & leaves us exhausted & broken because no one can put out a painful fire with words! DEEP work into the core of body's feelings requires time alone EVERY DAY without alcohol/drugs/media. (I found ASMR video's & meditation outdoors very helpful to RESET MY BODY turning off my trauma mind LOOP). It also requires life changes. We cannot remain around abusive family or addictions because THE SHAME MONSTER WILL KEEP RETURNING until we rebuild our life in a safe & quiet place. (Sitting in my for 5 minutes a day silently paying attention to my feelings in my body & letting them out-CHANGED MY LIFE I cried/raged & felt terrified, but eventually I got use to my core child-like feelings INSTEAD of TRYING TO MASK/REPRESSED or CONTROL MY THOUGTS) At first it is like a tidal wave of feelings knocking our mind & body downwards & we can even get very sick (because our feelings unexpressed build up TENSION IN OUR BODIES over years) but eventually, we can get USE TO OUR TRUTHFUL FEELINGS. After practicing my feelings, and getting to know the truth about my inner needs, I can now FIND MY BALANCE quicker after getting upset and MY BOUNDARIES are way STRONGER! Shame removes our inner truth by cutting us off from our true feelings, so we become lost. BY DIRECTLY FEELING our true feelings IN ANY SITUATION we can bypass our toxic thoughts & go to the core of the matter putting out the fire before the SHAME LOOP gets activated. Before we just ignored our feelings TO PROTECT OURSELVES & ended up in shitty situations. I got to know what I felt rather than performing for others & losing my sense of self. Now when I feel uncomfortable around someone, I realize my BODY & FEELINGS are WARNING me to take CARE of my needs & disabilities. So I can now protect myself. TOXIC shame blinds us to our true self. But healthy powerful shame warns us & protects us, shifting us back onto our true pathI