10 Early Warning Signs of the Covert Narcissist by Lise Leblanc

Spotting a female covert narcissist during the first few dates can be challenging, if not impossible because they tend to be very subtle in their behavior. I often get asked if there is a definite way to identify covert narcissism early on in the dating game. The short answer is "no" because their narcissistic attiitudes and behaviors are very subtle, especially in the beginning. However, in this video I am talking about 10 things you should pay attention to that could potentially be early warning signs of covert narcissism.

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About Lise Leblanc
Lise Leblanc is a Therapist, Life Coach Practitioner, and Author with over 20 years of experience in therapeutic, educational, and leadership roles.

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DISCLAIMER: THE INFORMATION IN THIS VIDEO IS NOT INTENDED NOR IMPLIED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR PROFESSIONAL ADVICE, DIAGNOSIS OR TREATMENT. Lise Leblanc does not provide personalized psychological, health, or legal advice. Any information or responses provided on YouTube are general and hypothetical, not individualized. This content is for informational purposes only and viewers should verify primary sources and/or seek professional services. Narratives about clients are heavily modified to protect their identities, using blurred details to teach and reassure without revealing private information about individuals.

If you have thoughts about harming yourself, get help right away by taking one of these actions:

Call 911 or your local emergency number immediately.
Call a suicide hotline number. In the U.S., call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255) In Canada: 1.833.456.4566
Call your mental health provider, doctor or other health care provider.
Reach out to a loved one, trusted friend.
DISCLAIMER: THIS IS FOR INFORMATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR MENTAL HEALTH CARE.

Introduction (0:00)
#1 Love-bombing (0:38)
#2 Excessive Humility (1:18)
#3 Hard to Please (1:48)
#4 Excessive Self-Focus (2:57)
#5 Victim Mentality (3:52)
#6 Doesn't Take Criticism (4:20)
#7 Pessimistic Worldview (5:03)
#8 Sense of Entitlement/Superiority (5:22)
#9 Health Concerns (6:07)
#10 Crossing Your Boundaries (6:28)
Conclusion (8:02)

#NPD #covertnarcissist #narcissism #narcissist

[namelastname]

Won’t apologise/admit fault for anything under any circumstances.

[g-dcomplex]

god forbid you ever get sick, their true colors show right then and there

[TheBoon]

Refreshing to find someone covering the trauma men endure amidst a zeitgeist where men's mental struggles are often marginalized! Thanks Lise.

[PotterSpurn]

Strong signals of covert narcissism, from my experiences of these types are...

1. Self-absorption. Everything has to be on their terms, unless it is on both your terms. They talk about their needs, their problems, their life, their preferences....their everything. You are simply a one person audience who they expect underdying devotion. After all if they are paying you any attention, you are privileged and should be grateful. Don't expect good treatment though.
2. Envy. I've never met a narcissist who doesn't have a problem with envy. 'Too Much is Never Enough...wrote Tom Petty. That is why some people always have a cup that is half empty, never half full. They aren't grateful, just competitive - even against their own daughters. Even those that appear outwardly successful with material wealth are still resentful of those who have more. They couldn't give a hoot about the poor, unless it is for showing off at a charitable concern that shows them in a good light as a generous benefactor - to promote their own profile. Thank goodness the poor exist then! Meghan Markle springs to mind here.
3. They aren't emotionally invested in you or anyone else, no matter what they claim to the contrary. They will throw you under a bus or ditch you quicker than you can say boo...It's as if you'd never existed. That is true - for them - you didn't.
4. They have no moral compass they wish to be guided by. If morals get in the way of ambition, you can bet the morality has to go, not the ambition -unless the consequences are too dire for them. The impact their choices has on others is of no consequence and don't figure in their decisions.
5. You get a sense that they will say anything to anyone just to create a right impression or impact. There is no conviction - no staying power in what they claim. They are just as likely to adopt another contradictory position if it is more convenient tomorrow. They are as shallow as a dog's paddling pool. Convictions - real ones- are simply obstacles and a nuisance, just like your boundaries are. They just hold you back. What is the point of that?
6. Narcissists are your open-plan people. They don't want walls, doors - like boundaries, promises, moral restrictions and values - that get in the way of getting what they want - usually at your expense too. They think nothing of steaming open letters, reading others' diaries, setting up fake Facebook profiles to spy on you and the Bible is just a book they can quote to get you to conform, not them, which is why they know the Old Testament - and eye for an eye - and thou must not....commandments (you, not them) better than any Jew does and they don't bother with any of the New Testament commandments that lean toward forgiveness or humility or servanthood - unless it is for you to follow. They don't care about your privacy, they only care about finding out what they want to find out about you. The end justifies the means.
7. Coverts keep a ledger of what they you owe them based on what they believe they've given you. Woe betide if you fall behind on payments. They never truly give, they only ever invest and the returns had better be good. This is especially true of Covert Narc parents toward their children who they believe they own and are extentions of themselves. They are vindictive and spiteful and will hang onto resentment for years on end - even decades - nursing grievances they probably generated by their own behaviours. This is especially true if you call them out, ditch them or cause them a narcissistic injury. How dare you! Don't be surprised if you are cut out of the Will. Narc parents love using their Estate as a stick to beat you with to keep you conforming to their needs, beliefs and behaviours. You are just like a dog - you must come to heel when they whistle - or you will get your snout smacked and be deprived of a treat.

[CarlosI]

They might give you excessive attention when you are being lovebombed, but you'll realize that this attention isn't because they appreciate you but because they want your attention back for themselves. If you aren't available everytime for them, you will realize how nasty they can get because, in their minds, you must be absolutely delighted with their presence.

[lucifero]

Negative reinforcement. For example, every time I went out with a friend, or did something else not with her, something negative would happen... either she gets a headache, or she'll be grumpy when you get back, or she'll play some music you don't like. Every time you perform that action, in the back of your head you know you will get a negative reaction. But it doesn't really reach your conscious level, you just dont ''feel'' like going out to have a beer with your friend, you ''prefer'' staying home and watching a movie with her.
Negative reinforcement is taught also in organizational behaviour. Instead of ordering an employee to not touch an object, everytime he touches that object, you attach to it something that annoys that employee... like a sound he hates.. or anything you can think of. Gradually, over time, the employee will think that out of his free will, he does not want to touch the object anymore. From behind the scenes, you know you've manipulated the employee, and that he doesn't ''feel'' like performing that action anymore, because unconsciously he knows something unpleasant happens everytime he does. Same process as in these relationships, where they perform this strategy just instinctively.

[JohnSmith-wons]

Excessive generosity at the beginning, giving you all you could wish for, but then it stops dead. Thats the time to leave, unfortunately we're already trapped. Trust your gut, that feeling something isnt right, even though you dont know what it is.

[Dioleate]

What's incredible is that I had a roommate who within the first 2 minutes you described to an exact T. I found her absolutely unbearable from the outset. She love bombed my roommate and one of my coworkers in ways they both found bizarre because they'd done absolutely nothing. Any time she entered the room she would instantly begin to dominate the conversation and incessantly talk about herself no matter what we'd been trying to talk about before. She routinely brought home food from a food bank that was past the expiration date, often with visible mold even, and established herself as the kind, generous one by telling us we were all welcome to it. Also she would claim to have an endless list of ailments, it was impossible to keep track of them all. She seemed to have every illness known to man.
I think because I found her so annoying, eventually she could tell I didn't like her. I did everything to avoid her without being rude, usually putting in my earbuds before I went into the kitchen or any common area in the hope she would get the point and not incessantly talk at me. I was never openly rude to her besides just obviously trying to avoid her, but she eventually absolutely exploded on me. She started spreading lies about me that were so distant from reality it was incredible. At one point she claimed she was sick with covid while at the same time she'd been walking around, doing all her regular activities and even inviting her granddaughter over. I said to her "Mmmhmm. Well, let's maintain six feet spacing, then." According to what she told all our neighbors, I had thrown up my arms at her and told her to get away from me, acting so aggressively that it brought up traumatic memories and made her feel unsafe.
It culminated in her losing her head when one morning she asked me if I had any quarters that she could exchange 2 dollar bills for. I checked my change bowl and said yes. I brought them out and she said "Oh, I don't have the cash, it's in my car." I said "Oh, do you think you could give me the money first?" And she instantly erupted on me shouting "OH WHAT THE FUCK, YOU REALLY THINK I WOULD DO THAT?! YOU THINK I WOULD STEAL FROM YOU? I DON'T WANT YOUR FUCKING QUARTERS, THEN." I was calm and tried to tell her it would just make more sense if she had the cash on hand and I wasn't trying to accuse her of anything. From that point on she was openly rude to me, like made a point of how much she hated me, but luckily she moved out quickly. Psycho.

[charlie-kmet]

I spent three months feeling like there wasn’t something I could put my finger on. Just something was missing. Then devaluing, insults, using trauma I told her about against me for no reason. It sucked because we had so much in common. Or did we?

[jimhendricks]

This list is so very spot on. I didn’t pay attention to (or fully realize) these traits early on…Thanks, Lise

[bluemountainway]

Thank you so much for making these videos! Very helpful. If only I'd have seen this 6 months ago... Learned my lesson the hard way.

[DKR]

Lise, congratulations on 100K subscribers! You've been so helpful in my quest to better understand the complexities of modern relationships.

[wumbomaster]

I’ve anecdotally seen that there is NPD, BPD, then an area in the middle where it’s like BPD with NPD traits. You should make a video talking about this because in my experience, it isn’t quite vulnerable narcissism either. The fear of abandonment is stronger than the need to be superior, but the need to be superior still comes out in some situations. Its extremely confusing.

[jordansage]

Great post! Anyone who’s ever dealt with this needs to see this video. Love bombing is a nasty viper in the grass.

[dmgill]

My ex-wife show eight of these signs in the first 3 months. I was so gullible, my God

[hardywatkins]

Interesting about them being contrary often ... 'just because', as a way of just being in conflict or disagreement ... which they kinda thrive on.

[qyqnnix]

Hey Lise, thank you from the bottom of my heart. Even though it happened to me years ago, I still come to watch your videos to reassure myself that I’m not crazy. My therapist told me, ‘Don’t focus on the diagnosis, but on the behaviors.’ After that experience, I was shattered and faced serious health problems, still wondering how the vulnerable girl I had known could push me to such extremes.

[AhmadJL]

Married for 7 years and we were kinda happy with plans for the future and then I returned from work to an empty house. She discarded me for the simplest reasons.

It’s very painful and really shocked my world. I didn’t know about narcissism until my brother told me and she had all the traits for CN.

Im afraid for my daughters as my country will give the custody for the mother with two visit weekly for me. And its clear she will use the kids to heart me when I went no contact.

I hope everything turns ok for anyone who went through this.

[davidemm]

I'm pretty healthy, I'm emotionally intelligent, plenty of therapy in my late 20's, many self help books, after about an hour I realized something was not right with her, big stuff that's subtle was missing, facial expressions, lack of words that may connect after I left I realized we were in much dif realities..pretty much empty, nothing their..

[TATZELWURMFORSAKEN]

I've been in love with a covert female narcisit recently, and the first 2 signs are things I did for her in the name of love, caring and understanding. But, they were truthful while she just pushed me away. Invited me to places then uninvited me. Any suggestions I made and talks about my situation or feelings were either uninteresting to her or I was ignored. In the end she just discarded because of jealousy on something she agreeded with me weeks before. She never told me why though. However, I found out because she HAD TO tell all of her followers on twitter about it in details that favored her, while discarding her own part in it. I had to tell her goodbye and block her after that, even though it hurt!