Becoming ANXIOUS with avoidant partner

#attachmentstyle #heartbroken #avoidantattachment #breakup #dismissiveavoidant #attachment #avoidant #dating #emotionallyunavailable #insecureattachment #divorce #anxiousattachment #secureattachment #discarded #discard #blindsided #fearfulavoidant #fearfulavoidantattachment #relationshipcoach #dismissiveavoidantattachment #boundaries #healthyboundaries

[EBB]

Once you have broken up with the avoidant, don't go back to the relationship in any way. The anxiety, confusion, and immensely painful discards are not worth any good times you might have with them.

[verymuchgerman]

Holding boundaries is easier said than done😢. You don't want to loose the avoidant, which is what you need to do. Holding boundaries equals a breakup.

[marinajones]

OMG Coach Ryan ! Absolutely spot on for my situation. I was a secure attachment but became anxious because of my avoidant partner. His behaviour triggered me. Ty for the confirmation. I withdrew my energy and walked away. I'm back to secure - never again ! It was the worst part of my life. Ty so much 🙏🙏

[shadyeva]

Explained perfectly. I considered myself to be secure until I dated a fearful avoidant. Then I became a complete mess and couldn't understand what happened. Landed me in therapy before the discard was even close to happening and still in therapy 2 months after she discarded me. Absolutely no way to have a healthy stable relationship with avoidants. Someone always gets hurt and its usually not them

[isojosi]

The irony of thinking puting up a wall that breaks intimacy will keep someone from realizing you're not worth their time

[lighthunter]

Good job everybody!! Don’t under estimate the power your pain can provide you with, , it’s like giving birth, ,
It sucks so bad, but work with it, ride the waves, be propelled forward by it.
We have a really strange distorted understanding of pain and how useful it can be.

[gayleneflower]

Thank you, Coach. I keep hearing that avoidants only attract anxious people, I am not anxious. I’m well-balanced and I really resent that people like Adam Lane preach. they make it feel like it’s abnormal to be normally anxious when someone acts the way avoidants do…boundaries are key. FA make excuses for everything and blame the other person never again for me.

[JustMeAndMyBoy]

He has for sure brought out some anxiety in me. They get cruel and hurtful when they feel the need to push u away.

[petersouza]

THIS IS A KEY ONE FOR ME BCUZ COACH SAYS BOUNDARIES CAN BE SAID IN A DIRECT AND KIND WAY, DOING THAT TONITE, THANK YOU COACH RYAN, A TRULY GIFTED COACH, SIT IT SUCCESSFULLY

[spanglyem]

This makes complete sense to me. My avoidant ex ended the relationship a couple of weeks ago because I questioned him about still not introducing me to his family after 2.5 years after promising me he would. He then ended the relationship saying he felt too guilty about not being able to give me what I want - I’m coming up to 39 and want a family. But then he says he still wants to be there for me and friends and buys me stuff and messages me with pictures of us together telling me I’m the best thing that has ever happened to him 🤷🏼‍♀️. I have blocked him but I know he will reach out at some point as he always does

[wizardofaus]

I want a guy like Coach Ryan.. one that clearly understand how to be healthy in a relationship and not cop crap from a DA partner.

[alirh]

second thing that bothered me the most about DA (first was any kind of breadcrumbing) was that she never asked about how my day was I mean it wasnt really important for her to know and If she did ask it was a reply to me asking about her day

[wizardofaus]

You're losing a person who doesn't actually want to be in a relationship.
Yup. Maybe the odd text message... but no. They don't really want a healthy relationship- which requires two people to show up and be present.
I call it being married to a ghost.
None of my friends understand what this is like to live with. It's an apparition. It's not real and it's hella lonely.

[Blossomcola]

Thank you for bringing this up Coach! I didn’t know I was anxious before I met him. Relationship has triggered my healing from childhood I suppressed

[lighthunter]

That was SO great.
Because I’m an adult, I felt responsible for myself within this situation with my ( 5 years ) avoidant. I didn’t get why I was taken by him, he has great sides yes, beautiful man, but the avoidance is so childish and fearful vibe wise, why would I be with such dysfunctional, mostly depressed avoidant person when I’m super
Committed, loyal, dedicated single
Mom, often working two jobs, quite joyful and invested in my growth…
I knew I couldn’t force myself to disconnect if it wasn’t an honest reflection of how I felt for him, I knew it was a lesson I had to go through. I faced all the triggers this brought up, openly, I was the one who chose to be there, so there’s no waste of time playing victim or blame, I chose to go through all Insecurities it brought up, often getting help from therapist. My avoidant was excavating my skeletons😂. It’s a difficult journey, it’s consuming, it’s like an intensive therapy if one chose to look at the underneath.
I never abandoned myself, my own life, my desire to overcome
My pain pushed me forward and above. that’s opposites that are Interesting to experience at once. Anxiousness and top bravery, I felt like an ox.
Then one day, by itself, an inner voice told me it was time to leave, I found our interactions to have become SO boring, despite the outdoor amazing experiences we shared. Which are priority in my life . But the personal - loving- invested relationship part that was always kept at distance so to make him feel safer, felt so fake and old and empty, repetitious, no team
Growth. It’s like having a baby and sitting on it, or starving it, that is not the kind of parent I am. I felt held back as a human being . Despite loving him so much.
The voice simply wouldnt stop, I eventually had to go. Which made sense since the line was: « I can’t commit » even after 5 years. We never once talked about our relationship which I invited before leaving, giving it a chance, very directly, with nothing threatening or negative, just a, let’s talk about our relating, it’s been 5 years.
It took all I had to pull myself away, only coz that guidance wouldn’t let me be there anymore.
The man that I loved but who couldn’t commit to me, ghosted me 3 times, couldn’t be close
To anyone or hold a job or a home, decided to explore a relationship with someone new within months of me leaving . I felt 10 swords in the back. Betrayal is a really hard trigger for me. Seems
To be connected to very old deep pain. I never ever ran after him, and never will.
His new distraction even hung out with me
Pretending not to know him( Whao!!) and gathering info on us… once I realized they were together, the disgust I felt was/ is so intense as I don’t like feeling that way towards people, I feel so repulsed. She even got same ski gears as me after spending time with me
Pretending not to know him.
It’s beyond my
Mind ‘s understanding. I experience it as betrayal, but clearly it’s just pure lameness and cowardice.. yet, the feeling is betrayal, so here we go, facing that.
I continue to learn, and suffer some as I’m not done my lesson. Even though my mental understand how low
And not worth it this all is, there s a deep
Emotional play at work, and I refuse to hide from it
Coz I never want to go through that again😂. Lets ace that shit. Let’s do this learning and grow, move through and out.
At this point, I’m starting to think that part of
My healing could
Come
From a gentler more beautiful present honest mature
Soul coming my way and sharing some love and care. I’ve chose to be by myself for last two years and deal with how I felt fully.
I get we can’t heal from our people dynamic isolated in self reflection. We heal some within relationship with others. It’s been isolating some
For me as I find it somehow embarrassing to be invested with an avoidant ( sorry), coz I know I’m a very decent being and I deserve better, but very few people get the lessons hidden in such encounters and strength it takes to look at the wounds that
clearly needed to
come up. So, not many people to chat with about what I’ve gone through. im hoping our understanding of this topic / situation that happens to
so many of us, continues
to evolve and be better approach. dont judge ypurself
too harsh, we came here to love, and to bring awareness to a lot
of deeper layers that are buried yet affecting us so greatly, waking up
doesnt happen within comfort and predictability.
You / we are doing good work trying to figure this out, responsibly, and coach Ryan, you are truly amazing and needed. You were the iron momentum that kicked in as I started feeling discouraged about my healing, I’m very grateful and one day hoping to have a chat session with you.

[papakael]

I went from mostly secure to an anxious mess in 3.5 years. Feel like I'm going to.vomit at times. Moving out in 2 days!!

[messirocker]

Exactly.. I was talking to my friend yesterday

[Shewolf-km]

My previous DA relationship told me I was the problem. You can’t make this madness up. When I finally found a test I tested 40% stable with a secondary FA 27%. He really objected to me explaining to him how cowardly his actions towards me were. So incredibly painful.

[Nonfiction.Reader]

Very well explained. Thanks Coach Ryan.

[Jennifer_Leigh]

My problem with being able to do this is when I hold that boundary you just mentioned I feel like the person will think I’m needy.