POV: Day In The Life Of An Avoidant Attachment

IB: Jessica Baum, LMHC

[_ms]

It just blows my mind how accurate this is, having this attachment type sometimes feels like a blessing and sometimes feels like a curse, it really is hard to get to know people when you are like this which can lead to you feeling alone but at the same time you really like your time alone so commiting to a relationship is really hard because you feel like your are putting that at risk, and also dealing with your emotions is not something you are used to, so putting excuses that avoid you from doing it is pretty much a daily rutine

[jnavy]

This is extremely sad to me, the inability to have a true connection is tragic

[rupertperiwinkle]

What's ironic is Avoidants are naturally attracted to the Anxious attacher, and vice versa, because they are both attracted to the traits the other has that are suppressed within themselves. It's ying and yang. Two opposite sides of the same coin -- BOTH are insecure attachments that need healing.

As an anxious attacher, I will say this:
*They are not terrible humans.* At their core, they long for deep connection and intimacy just like everyone else (incl anxious / secure). It's just their perceptions (ie like everyone's out to get them, I can't reveal too much about myself because I fear they won't like the real me. I can't get too close, or I'll lose my independence, ETC). Their dismissals, and avoidant coping mechanisms are unhealthy, and subsequently cause hurt. They self sabotage their chances of love. They appear well put together on the outside, but internally they are deeply insecure. I wish them nothing but healing because they deserve it. We all deserve to heal from our core wounds from childhood.

***Edit: Whilst I wish them well, I've since learned more about avoidant attachment patterns. And I choose to never get involved with an avoidant again.

[naghammmm]

1. Yeah I do like the attention (I mean when my bf shows that he cares ) and I like it when they text me but i won’t text them back immediately. ( I don’t want him to think I am too much…) I won’t text first too. I hate to show them that I care. I will respond later, maybe in two hours!
2. I like to be independent way too much to give it up for the sake of a relationship. I can’t say “I love you” and closeness suffocates me. Love bombing disgusts me. I don’t need a man. I need myself. I
3. I don’t think I will ever be with someone. Leaving this to destiny. No one can tolerate my personality. I don’t trust men at all. I will leave before they could even think about leaving. They will eventually leave, I will do that first.
4. Yeah I like to spend so much time alone, and to have my own personal space. Sometimes I dislike physical touch (depends on my mood).
What do you mean you love me? I met you one year ago! You are just a liar, you don’t love me.
5. Working alone and a lot. I am never satisfied. I need to work harder. I have to be a high achiever. It’s not easy but it’s worth it. I have no time for relationships and emotions, I will leave that for later. I will just focus on myself now, I don’t need anyone. I am better off alone
6. The silent treatment. I won’t let you know what’s wrong with me. It’s embarrassing to admit it. So I will just give you the silent treatment and you will just keep guessing.
7. I will laugh at your joke, but i will start to overanalyze and overthink everything you said before. I will start to have doubts. And I might end up leaving you just because my brain thinks your joke hides something else….
8. Trust issues. I don’t even trust myself sometimes lol.

The struggle goes on…..
(Edited: I am working on myself. Low-key I don’t want to be with anyone anymore. My solitude is so peaceful and I don’t want to give it up.)

[sezja]

me realizing i dont eve say "goodnight" cause its too personal

[RaySmithWeb]

You are saying what so many others have heard, and suffered in silence, thinking they were the *only* one who experienced this dysfunction.

[thekellyvlog.]

This actually brought tears to my eyes due to the pain resurfacing

[AceKite]

I’m Avoidant Attachment because I’m scared that once we sit down together and enjoy ourselves, she’ll just walk away to do something else, or leave entirely, like my family always did.

[pauale]

I hate that I hurt people I truly care about by being like this. No matter how much they try to tell me or show me how much they love and care about me I can’t fall into vulnerability and jeopardize other important things in my life. I think I will die a an old lonely cat lady and I’ve made my peace with this

[yasminoench]

This is insanely accurate. I feel called out by this.

[jccchapman]

"Gives me an excuse not to be intimate" the Avoidents' go to.

[kaitlynbree]

Being with an avoidant slowly chips away at your self esteem till you have none left and end up feeling crazy. STAY AWAY.

[Vladd]

Avoidants want the benefits of being in a relationship without any of the responsibilities.

[AkeerahAnne]

Fantastic video I ended a five-year relationship one month ago. Something that truly bothers me is the decision to end a relationship with someone I love. I've done everything I can to win him back, even if it's all for nothing, and I can't picture my life without him. Even though I've made every effort to stop thinking about him, I still find myself missing him and thinking about him frequently. I have no idea why I am saying this.

[jclau]

Me to avoidants: "I THINK, THAT YOU LEAVE A TRAIL OF DEAD RELATIONSHIPS EVERY DAMN PLACE THAT YOU GO."

[Gdansk]

For your own sanity, avoid the avoidant at all costs.

[brutalchicken]

Just had my heart broken by an avoidant.

[donovan]

I have fallen for someone who has an Avoidant attachment and this could not be more true. I didn't even know that they were a dismissive avoidant, so when these signs show up the first few times, like not being able to reply or message back right away, or even talk to me at times. They would hold themselves back, keep things to themselves alone.
And I would get hurt and also upset because I'd be getting mixed signals, I would think that they hated me. They're a wonderful and such a kind person. So when they do this, it makes me overthink and feel bad. I love them and I also wanna help them open up more and become more comfortable and safe around me.

[keithhall]

Hello! I have this personally type, I’m currently staying single and working on my self. A lot of what you said is absolutely true.If you want to kinda know how are minds work. But please try to have a little empathy.

I’d say my main fear with relationships is loosing myself in another person. A lot of it stems from neglectful childhood stuff.
I noticed I subconsciously took on the emotional load of my past relationships because I had to do the same with my mom.
In my experience I really do want connection, but when it comes to being vulnerable it’s like I’m holding I giant sign that says “Here are my weaknesses! Here’s how to screw me over! Did I also mention free therapy?!Please take me for granted while I tend to your needs and yours only!!!”
Like I give people an inch and they take a mile. Or they try to use it against you.
I’m just tired of constantly taking care of people and getting nothing in return but more stomping over my boundaries.
It’s like whenever I connect with someone they flood my life and then suddenly what I want or think doesn’t matter as much.
It’s a constant internal fight to keep my personal autonomy because it’s been steamrolled and taken away so many times.
I know I shouldn’t be scared of love but it’s like when you have a huge gash or a rolled ankle, and the other person is trying to put a cold pack on but you keep involuntarily swatting at it so you have to try and put it on a few more times until you can bear it.
But I’m also trying to improve, some people are just dicks.

[coltenkelso]

Depends on which avoidant attachment you have. I have the rarest one which is fearful avoidant. It’s terrible because I swing back and forth in relationships. And if one person is more anxiously attached I’ll become more avoidant. If the other person is more avoidant then I’ll become more anxiously attached.