Unavailable, Manipulative or Just Awful: 12 Signs Someone You're Dating is TROUBLE

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When you meet someone new, watch out for these signs that someone is not really available or actively trying to to use you.
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[TurningTesting]

Unavailable:
1. They are telling you they're about to get divorced, but they don't divorce (for whatever reason). Uncut ties with previous relationship
2. They're full of stories about horrible parts of previous relationship.
Manipulative:
3. They talk about sex with other people in the past (or even present) as it's nothing important/not impactful on person listening
4. They behave differently on different days. Good side-bad side, hot and cold, love bombing-devaluation.
5. They get angry for setting boundaries
6. They keep you waiting
Red alert:
7. They are rude/mean/cruel to other people/animals/you
8. They suddenly have financial emergency and want to borrow money
9. They lie about something to you or in your presence
10. Ask you to help to deceive someone


Red flag for you:
You want to hide the relationship from your friends

[candykelly]

These are all great. I would like to add: if someone blames everyone else around them for the problems they are having. That's a red flag!

[MsTreefox]

I think another red flag is if they always talk about things their exes did and never a mention of their own responsibility of why things went sour (victim mentality)

[catherinebanks]

This list is also useful for finding good friends. People who are constantly angry, playing the victim, rude to others, inconsiderate of your time, and manipulative do not make good friends.

[Laffingrl]

Here is one I never see mentioned; They take you out, spend money on you, shower you with gifts, then criticize and make fun of you. You get so confused and feel like you are " not being grateful". This is a TOXIC

[Angelstar]

And just not being able to respect the word NO is a red flag. It means they do not respect boundaries.

[pizzakrydder]

I would suggest, to the ones who still have that chaotic CPTSD mind where it's hard to keep your train of thought: write down the red flags as they come. It's a lot easier to keep track of things that way.

[marciafab]

A man I started speaking to, told me he was going to stop by my work to visit me. He didn't show up or text me to apologize until the next day. It was at that moment - I knew this man wasn't going to care for me.

[Abe-rznm]

I became an armchair psychologist after my divorce. I've trained myself to use my brain before my heart so much I doubt anyone will ever get through the screening process!

[BlueSky-ffoy]

GREAT great points. "Vulnerable narcissists will keep you uncertain about when you are getting together. Will make you feel sorry for them, which makes you have too many tooong phone calls too many days of the week during which they drink your energy when you need to do self care and go to bed for work the next day."

[barbnauman]

When I was in college, I started dating one of the football coaches. He was 6 years older than me, and his players were my age. Twice, when I was out in public with other people, I had two different people tell me the players hated him and he was bad news- bad temper, demeaning to the players, etc. Because he was always SO charming to me, I couldn’t believe it was true. After two years of dating, there was a coaching change, and he lost his job. One day shortly after he was jobless, I learned he got engaged to a gal his age! Someone he’d been dating off and on for years. I was DEVASTATED. HE told me he really loved me, but she had a job, and it was a “business decision.” For yearsI grieved the loss of this man. Fairy, your wonderful channel has helped me accept that he was never the person I wanted him to be! He showed me who he really was, and others warned me! I now know, when people show you who they are, believe them!

[Radspad]

THANK YOU for pointing out being comfortable with small acts of dishonesty as a red flag. It's about integrity.

[docacuwatson]

I wish I stumbled across your channel 40 years ago.

[Hawaiiansky]

I would add:
9. a) They brag about having mistreated someone else in their past.
Some from a past relationship I had (I ignored them for reasons that I now understand. These should be obvious, and in my case, they were, but I openly ignored them, and ignore my own voice telling me that I was ignoring them.
--
--Pushes for sex / commitments like marriage and children immediately (future faking), then DROPS it once you indicate you might be ready for a greater commitment.
--Acts cold about national heartbreaks, such as 9/11 or Space Shuttle Challenger accident. Shrugs off things that would make most people shudder.
--Seems to change their beliefs regularly.
--Weasels their way into your home.
--They try to get 'too close' to your family / children right away, trying to be their 'buddy' or 'cool adult, ' or ingratiate themselves to family members.
--Pretends to have a nice home and car, but the reality is that they are homeless living with a family member and driving a hoarder-crap car (that was given to them).
--Talks incessantly about self; asks no questions about you.
--They judge you. He said that I was ‘frustrated’ all the time. He was constantly criticizing me, my cooking, my attitude, etc. after two weeks in.
--They compare you to their ex, making it sound like the way the ex did things was ideal, and anything less or different than that is wrong or less than.
--Tells you that you have to buy them something...anything, including real estate. Doesn’t ask, doesn’t offer to help or go half-sies, doesn’t claim it will belong to you, doesn’t offer to pay you back. Just EXPECTS you to take care of them financially.

[ebd]

I met someone who was so attentive and helpful (unsolicited acts of service). I was so attracted. I am proud that I also saw red flags and managed to keep a boundary. Wow, just sitting with those powerful feelings is TOUGH, especially when you've been alone for a long time. It really showed me just how vulnerable I am due to my CPTSD. It was a good learning opportunity. Thanks for keeping these lessons coming!

[Alden]

Wise tips. I just extricated myself from a 2-year relationship where my guy told me upfront he suffers from depression. Okay. What I quickly learned is when he becomes “overwhelmed” (his word) with life, he goes dark and resorts to radio silence. True to form, I tried to be “understanding” (which says a lot about me and my upbringing in a toxic war zone with battling parents) but just jettisoned him having had my fill of his disappearing act. I explained how hurtful this is, not to mention how rude and actually narcissistic this is. To no avail. Done and Done.

[rlud]

Excellent tips. Thank you. I’d like to add if the person talks behind anyone’s back disparagingly and the person being disparaged considers the person you’re dating a friend, that imo is a huge red flag because one day it will be you who gets trashed behind your back. It reveals the person to be a bad friend of bad character and eventually you will be betrayed too.

[vixen]

Last narc who targeted me did the whole "I'm getting a divorce" game and "ex can't afford to move out yet". I discovered later - He was still very much married and very much together and he was full of 💩. Luckily, I wasn't there for it & told him to go on. I said regardless, this feels like I am the other woman and I'm not the other woman in any scenario.

[dubissokomisch]

I just found out that I am as unavailable, manipulative and awful as many of the guys I dated.

[angelmcmurray]

I’ve seen it coming
Looking at other women, making me feel not safe especially not emotionally available. I’m happy I just left with some dignity..