CPTSD & Attraction to Unavailable People: An Excerpt from My Dating Course (Part 1)

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Trauma in childhood can have a lasting impact on our romantic relationships. This is one of two excerpts from one video in my NEW course (there are 27 videos in total), all about our attraction to unavailable and inappropriate people -- and how to stop dating them! It ends with a question but don't worry, the answer is included in the second part of the video, which is linked at the end.
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[catc]

OH MY gosh thanks for the info just waking up after 40 yrs of this. Pattern on repeat! Every cell in my body is jumping for joy from the wake up call. Cant wait for part 2.

[leeboriack]

When we pursue or stand by people that aren't available, we are not available for ourselves or healthy people. We are abandoning ourselves.

[sentarose]

In my healing process I discovered I was unavailable to myself. Learning to be there truly for myself has been an essential part of my healing so far. It is hard for me to trust others after the abuse I've been through but it's hard for me to trust myself given how unavailable I've been in my own life. it's been easier to just turn off and not really be present. But now I am present for myself. I don't believe I'm ready for a relationship with somebody else until I improve the relationship I have with myself.

[pachamama]

The people we love have to be unavailable by all means. Because that's what we think/believe/expect love to be. Plus how do you expect to get involved with a loving person if you don't believe you're deserving of such love?
It's a truly vicious cycle.

Thanks for shining your light on those shadows Anna, and best wishes!!

[skyejacques]

Wow. It is so painful for me to accept that this is all what I have done. Just going for emotionally unavailable men with narcissistic tendencies, or married men. But it felt very real. But also, every time I've been attracted, I've been depressed and wanted to at least have someone to love and be loved by. But they didn't actually love me. This pattern also occurs in friendships. I have usually picked traumatised people who again will focus on themselves and I am not important enough. I'm doing my best to breathe, as this realisation is triggering! Xxx

[kikilynn]

0:42 "that's a childhood PTSD thing... Staying in a fantasy world with a very idealized love for someone." Embarrassed to say I did this off and on for 40 years... Couldn't stop myself... Felt almost like a mental illness... And now I know it is CPTSD.

[rosiemorrison]

I’m tired of always apologising, I’m tired of the pressures a relationship brings and so so tired of pleasing someone who clearly doesn’t care anymore !!Thank you once again Anne I feel free !! I separated from my husband a few weeks ago we would have been married 27 years on 14th February I am alone now and I love it I'm thriving for the first time in a long time and feels so good!!

[Ashmoe]

Well then! Perhaps this explains why I have always had intense, obsessive celebrity crushes since childhood. Most of them have been gay or they aren't alive any more...doesn't get much more unavailable than that!

[samiam]

It really hurts to hear people call other people a narcissist because I am a narcissist. I don’t mean to be this way, it’s just how I am. I’ve gone through a lot of therapy, counseling, and long absences from my social life over this. It’s not a treat I choose to carry. But it is a treat I am actively working on. I am an emotionally Unavailable to pretty much everyone in my life. Including myself. Not sure why I chose the comment this, but it made me feel better.

[amandarenske]

After years of unavailable men and living in fantasy I was able to step away from those who treat me badly.

However I still feel terrified and full of doubt. I find it impossible to conceive of being in a position of receiving. In my family I was an afterthought. So I generally over-give to my partner's, whilst they nearly always fall in love with other people outside the relationship, reinforcing the narrative that I am second best, and not worthy enough to deserve their attention.

Thank you for this video. I have been feeling lonely today, but I realise now, that it's a deeper wound than just lockdown.

God bless you and this powerful healing work you share.🙏💖🌟

[aryebognar]

We're not available to them either.

[margarethofstetter]

I've always thought of myself as the master self-sabotager, including always choosing unavailable partners, and messing up career opportunities. Been alone all my life.

[rodneydaub]

Low self esteem, and shyness made me have a fantasy relationship with a girl in High School. I just could maybe say hi and stare at her in the Hall. When I realized I would never be able to even talk to her I had a month long fantasy in my head, where in the end I was dumped.

[bealivebefree]

I'm glad you're doing this series because this is something I've struggled with for a long time. There's been so many times where I've decided to give up on the idea of ever finding someone because it's too stressful and has resulted in disappointment too many times.
When I was younger I did many of the things you described. I had toxic partners and secret relationships with partners who were not 'appropriate' choices for me because for whatever reason I couldn't connect with men who were. I actually hated myself for this for a long time and I seek to understand why it was like this. Thank you for your videos. I'm looking forward to part 2.

[richardbuckley]

I’ve spent my whole life doing this. It’s incredibly painful.

[carolm]

In a Nutshell . YOU TO ME ARE A GOD SEND !!!! A GIFT FROM GOD! YOUR A VESSEL TO HELP US UNDERSTAND. ✝️THANK YOU MUCH FROM AUSTRALIA ❤❤❤❤❤🙏

[mel-tphi]

Thank you Anna. You're a beautiful, warm, calm and caring lady to listen to, you're helping me so much with the Daily Practice, it's amazing how much more focussed I am after. Really wishing you all the best.

[CavyConsciousness]

this one made me feel slightly ill when i started watching, so I instantly knew i really needed to watch it, as i did from the instant i saw the title. I have pretty much decided I can not trust my choices with men, and this goes a long way to explaining that. I had PTSD for 30 years, and though I am mostly recovered i still say my wiring does not work and a large part of me is still frozen. this is helping me to understand some of that. I see solution, and that gives me hope.
I love the cage analogy, and i constructed some truly barbaric ones for myself.

[KB-xscl]

In dating, I seem to only be attracted to "hot" guys who don't really want a relationship with me or who are sort of damaged themselves. When I meet really kind, open, honest, and interesting people, I seem to not be physically attracted to them even though I really like them. Any way to fix this? I can definitely tell that I should be giving these kind and open people a chance, but I am not feeling that spark. Is that normal and something that can develop as we continue to get to know each other?

[rebirthed]

It's like you talking about me..always romantically hooked to unavailable men