PAPA TRAUMA: THE PRESENT, BUT ABSENT FATHER (EMOTIONAL ABANDONMENT)

We don't have to experience severe wounding to have father wounds related to our childhood experiences with our parents. Neglect comes in many forms, and being present, but absent emotionally can take its toll on us.

In some cases, our mothers or other parents, try to make us (their children) their emotional partners, or everyone in the home just doesn't expect anything emotional from "dad," -- as if he just doesn't have the same demands to show up emotionally as everyone else.

Regardless, this type of fathering, of emotional unavailability/abandonment, often leaves us feeling the wounds of Avoidant Type attachment -- where we are never really mirrored, where we feel abandoned emotionally by the most important (or supposed to be) male figure in our lives, where we become achievement focused and/or lack self esteem - always psychologically trying to get or feel his emotional attachment to us and our lives.

Present but absent fathering is emotional neglect, and though we may see him as "at least he was there," the question is often "was he, though?"

xo

@drkimsage
drkimsage - tik tok

[spigney]

Never thought my healing journey would lead me to the "daddy issues" trope, but here i am.

[sarahphillips]

he worked 12 hours a day then plopped in front of the tv...and then yelled alot

[YOU-niter]

My Mother used to cry constantly because My dad was unable to show any emotion of love & affection but was great at showing his anger 😞

[charlotted]

I watch this drained, crying, exhausted. 23 years old and ill never get the closure I want. I don't know how they get away with this. Took me years to realise I don't deserve this, but I still can't help mourning my past and now future. Ill just never comprehend how someone can suck the life out of their own child.

[babeebvogue]

Both my parents were emotionally unavailable. One was passive and the other abusive. And now I get to work on how those wounds affected me.

[Zach-cbfm]

My dad was a small-business owner but not a workaholic. He was home by 5:30 PM every evening. My dad spent his time at home sitting in a recliner watching television (sports, politics, finances) while also reading magazines and newspapers. During my school years, I once made the mistake of asking him for help with my homework and got an earful. I get it that parenting does not come naturally to some but he did not try.

My mom was seemingly left to deal with it all. She enabled his behavior to keep the peace and keep up appearances.

Like other commenters, I coped with my problems alone growing up. It's hard to do that and turn out okay.

[juliewhybrow]

I used to desperately seek his attention. Thank you for this video.

[lynnromenesko]

Im 55 years old. Continuing to work on my self esteem, difficulties around men, etc. because of my fathers avoidant attachment/narcissist behaviors. He was not emotionally there for me at all. Although i saw glimpses. I could never speak my views. I have a memory of when i was 18 & i could vote. He didn't like who i was voting for, so he came after me, going to hit me. My brother got in the way & pushed him down to protect me. I feel these types of situations caused me to have social anxiety later in life because i couldn't speak my viewpoints. My life has been a healing journey due to those 18 years of being in that house & not being seen/heard.

[-FragileFawn-]

My father never asked how my school days went, never attended any activities I took part in, my mother did everything for him (paid bills for him, made his doctors appointments, made and served his food for him - I've never seen him make food for anyone in my life, did his laundry, dealt with car duties, repaired any house damages, literally EVERYTHING) and I feel like now that I'm realising it I'm finally getting angry at him.

Has anyone else had to go through this? And witnessing a mother being 2 parents at once ever since I was born?

His excuse was his childhood (his strict father) and how he had to deal with all the discipline from his younger siblings onto him instead. What he grew up to made him "rebel" into the complete opposite (my mom says). People walk all over him because he never sticks up for himself OR anyone. He always says "I don't care". So I cared TOO much (overprotective trait for my mother)

I feel having an over controlling mother and an emotionally absent father led to my body dysmorphia, ocd, TMJ, dermatillomania, social anxiety, deep hatred for mysoginists, not being able to show affection and not being successful in life as much as I should by now - terrible, I know. I didn't even know what my GPA was in highschool because nobody pushed me to do anything or taught me anything in life! (Yikes!) Honestly I wished I had a physically absent father instead - then I wouldn't have to witness him not be a father or husband every day, but a toddler to my alcoholic mom! Sure he worked, but so did she at one point. Imo it's no excuse. 😕

I'm just at a loss for words. Now that I'm in my mid 20s I feel it's too late to express my anger at what my parents made me to be with all my problems and delayed adulthood realisations from lack of parenting (father) and sheltering from lonliness (mother). 😒 I'll probably delete this later too knowing my stupid anxiety and self worth.

[shani_sth]

Almost 24 years into my life I only realised now that I have both, daddy issues and mommy issues lol. Both my parents were present, but emotionally absent and especially my mom emotionally abusive at times.

Only now I decided to look for therapy and just happen to stumble across this video and it kinda is like a „oh so that’s why I am this way!“

[Konkata]

My father was a workaholic. We rarely saw him. My mother died when I was 16 and he kicked me out of the house a few months later when he brought in a new girlfriend. He told me multiple times that if given the chance, he would choose his girlfriend/wife over his children. He’s only ever helped in ways that have made me feel unworthy and ashamed of needing help and care. He has blocked me from success or reaching my goals multiple times. At key low moments in my life, he has left me on my own and chastised me for being a failure. Literally no call/no show at my wedding. I never realized until recently that this was abnormal behavior. I’m 39 years old.

[Anthropoid]

I have searched and searched and this is the first video that perfectly described my relationship with my father. I am 48 years old and still have an awkward relationship with him (although I remain distant for my own sanity). Are fathers like this selfish with their material things, especially money. He is very cheap and I feel uncomfortable asking him for help. Strange though, he will help strangers (both with favors and money) at the drop of a hat. 🤔

[xoxobutterfly]

Oh wow what you said is exactly how I feel 😔 I just feel invisible to my father and I'm 29 years old but it hurts more now

[ABirdOnTheMoon]

My dad has only two modes: absent and busy or there and abusing. He basically would make the worst outcome for you to dare requesting him so you’ll never ask for him. My dad used his voice to yell and his body to punish .. etc. He was not there to be a father .. even financially, he’d offer us the least .. while accumulating that money for himself

[dineend]

My father ignored his kids. He was also mean. My stupid mother went along with whatever he did. She would not get a divorce because she was "a good catholic." I guess being good means letting your kids be abused. I hated the church for a long time because of that, but I now realize she is just blaming the church for her stupid mistakes. But we all payed a big price. When I was in sophmore year in high school, I had an opportunity to sign up for an after school program to become a beautician, totally free, free transportation to the beauty school etc. I would have graduated high school with both a high school diploma, and a beautician's license. I needed a parent signature for this. I went to him, began to tell him about it, and he said "we will discuss it next weekend." And walked away from me. My mom did not say a word. That weekend same thing, "we will discuss it next weekend." He walks away. My mom would not discuss it with me. Next weekend, he went up to me and said "I've decided that you are not doing it" and walked away. Years later my mother tells me that he never wanted to (nor did he) put money away for his kid's education. He said "let them pay for it themselves." Is he a narcissist? I am trying to figure that out. He was an alcoholic, which may explain the meaness. I am having a hard time forgiving my mother, she never defended us.

[Klw_n]

i learned myself how to fight, how to play basketball, how to play soccer, how to hunt, how to ride bikes, how to drive cars and literally everything but studying my father is physically there eight hours a day since day one, and that's at night and he's financially there which is what i appreciate about him, but him being emotionally absent is really scarring. I'm trying to be a better dad someday and learn how to treat my future kids better than him.

[valeriaromainville]

I told my mom I don't know what it's like to have a Father, since he has never been involved in any aspect of my life besides paying for my basic needs, we don't have any sort of communication or relationship. His father died when he was 15 and his answer to this was that I don't know what's it like to not have a father 🤕

[DeidreL]

Wow. This is my life. I’m 58 and in the middle of a massive nervous and emotional crisis, having only recently lost my mum. I’m so glad l found this channel because now I understand so much more.

[glitchbanana]

My Dad is the absent father who bullied and abused my family growing up. I still remember how he choked my sister when I was 3 or 4 years old and I called my brother over for help, resulting in a fight between my brother and my dad. Since then, I felt helpless and don't know how to save my family. I learned that no one can rescue me and my family, and only I can do something because I'm his only biological son.

Since then, I'm usually the "mediator" or the "counselor" of the family; mostly to my mom whenever she had fights with my dad. I tried my best to be the man of the family, even though it's tiring and painful to endure alone. I'm 25, and I hoped someone cared to ask how I'm feeling because I don't like being a counselor/mediator. I just want to be a kid who can grow up properly and live a safe and sustainable life.

[Cozylittlewildrose]

It’s so good to know someone out there can see how I feel. I’m literally a mess because no one validated this for me til you.