What It's Like to Love Someone with BPD

BPD relationships can be difficult. What is it like to be the parent of someone with BPD? The child, the partner? Valerie Porr describes the pain and anger involved.

Valerie Porr, founder of TARA4BPD, discusses Borderline Personality Disorder with a focus on the impact of BPD on the family and loved ones of the person with the diagnosis.

[zeMasterRuseman]

This describes what I felt perfectly. My BPD girlfriend left me and destroyed her life because she couldn't get over her insecurities about my loyalty. (I never cheated on her). I loved her so much but she just couldn't accept that fact. Like a person dying of thirst in the desert I hand them a bottle of water but they think it's poison and they keep walking away and I can't do anything about it but watch them die of thirst when I'm trying to give them water. This feeling almost drove me to suicide. In the end I just accepted that she can't be helped and started working on moving on.

[BethyMarks]

As someone with BPD, I don’t want to put anyone in this position and I am sorry

[issabee]

I’m bpd and I’m just in tears. I feel so sad for my family. But they’re the only reason I’m still here. Double edged sword

[Paketoija]

Constant rollercoaster and moodswings over the most obscure things and later they feel awful and promise to change, but the cycle just keeps going. Crushing for both sides.

[michaelking]

It's hard to give love to someone that can't seem to receive it.

[BeeLayzTv]

My ex has bpd, and the relationship was far from easy. There were bouts of us being happy and healthy, but she wore me down till there was nothing left. When she left she said and did some things that I would never think about doing to her. She turned into a completely different person and the person I knew died. It was and still is the weirdest feeling of grieving someone while they're still alive. I feel for her because I know how sick she is, even though she is causing it all by not getting help. But I will never entertain the idea of being with someone with bpd again. I gave everything I had just to be treated like nothing because she wasn't capable of having a healthy partner. I feel for anyone who has this disorder because I know how sick my ex truly is and have done tons of research, but it doesnt give people the excuse to project your pain onto others.

[russell]

My BPD wife of 27 years left in July. This is what it was like for me.

Her love was the promised land and I was eager to prove my devotion. Together we wandering in the desert for many years, looking for the lush green forest at the edge of a lake, where surrounded by snow-capped mountains she could find peace and purpose. I brought plenty of food and water which never seemed to quench her thirst or satisfy a hunger she could not describe.

Occasionally we came upon an oasis and for a while I was content and happy. In time the spring would go dry and once again we would resume the search. I am now very tired, our water supply is a burden I no longer wish to carry. Somehow I find the strength to stumble onward in this barren landscape. Gripped by a fear of what is over the next, ever shifting, sand dune. The blazing sun is high over-head, so I'm no longer certain of our direction, but once again, there on the horizon a patch of green. Her enchanting song once again draws me to Bristol Cove on the lake in the mountains.

We lay down together in the cool grass but I soon discover it's just an illusion. Like a mirage in a blink of an eye, it all vanishes and she too is gone. I realize I've lost the faith, I give up the quest and turn back, no longer sure of the way home.

The sun has set and in the darkness I cannot resist the urge to look back over my shoulder with ever step. It has become second nature to worried about her, I still feel her pain and hunger, her loneliness in the void. I am overwhelmed with an alien concept and try to accept I no longer have the power to save her, even worse, I realize I never did.

At the same time I try to erase the image that she may have found the forest without me and is swimming in the cool clear water. I think "how weak of me to have given up" and know I will never see her again, but what am I to do with all the love I still have for her. It pours out onto the dry sand and evaporates without purpose.

I stain to listen, hoping to hear her sweet voice on the wind, the words of the promised land, "I now know he truly love me". Instead of the anger and disdain of our last encounter, I imagine her weeping with the thought "how could I not have known all those years, we could have found paradise together". It was a leap of faith she was unable to take, inflected with a now invisible wound, suffered alone in her cradle so many years ago.

[wagenna]

Unmanaged and untreated BPD can be quite horrible for each person involved. Therapy and hard work on onesself are a game-changer.
I have BPD and I would date a woman with BPD, but only if she is in therapy or has been for a long time and is working on herself. Otherwise I am out of there.
BPD is no life sentence. Unmanaged BPD is.

[katkameneva]

A lot of people say "please leave them if they have bpd"... I have it and i just wanna say PLEASE don't say these hurtful things and don't leave us! We aren't all the same... PLEASE tell your loved one that this might be the problem, have them get diagnosed, tell them you love them and it will be okay. Be patient and things will change once they start therapy! I started seeking help first, got diagnosed officially a few weeks ago and things have come a long long way with my bf and my friends in just a couple of weeks, thanks to medication and self-training.

Of course, if the person is unwillling to get better and accept that they have a mental illness (or whatever problem that affects you) then leave. But it's not a bpd thing, it's just them being irresponsible

[virtuwillprophet]

What an absolutely perfect description. No joke, I often said to my girlfriend who has BPD, it’s like leaning over the side of a ship trying to pull her up, knowing if I reach too far I’ll get pulled under too. I like this woman’s analogy even better.

[uncreativeexe]

At the start everything is sunshine and rainbows and you feel like you've reached nirvana and get a perfect partner that you never have experienced before, the love is like a drug, you've never experienced that kind of affection before

Until everything turns into a nightmare and shit turns extreme and abusive, vulcanos explode, it's war, and chaotic and messy and you end up with endless trauma

That's how my relationship was with my ex's, I was the person with bpd. I got easily loved, but easily left. When you're too good to be true, you're also the worst person in the world unfortunately. That's what's the "borderline" is, between the sunshine lsd dream and the worst nightmare you've ever had. It's so difficult for both sides

[wilburrodgers]

I am 50 with BPD all my life. The hardest part of growing up is family not understanding and them feeling like i should be able to control it and just turn my illness off. I cant control how i feel. Its like telling someone with tourettes not to tick. If you have someone in your family with this let me give you some advice. It ok not to understand it, i get that but please accept that what that person is experiencing is real not a act. God Bless

[alexthagreat]

I have been with my husband for 14 years and I can admit the 1st 10 years I didn't understand him having BPD I would tell him you can control yourself and always threaten to leave him. He has lived a tough life he was abandoned by his mother and went in to foster care where he was treated poorly. I wish I knew then what I know now and maybe are last 14 years of are relationship would have been so different. I try so hard still to this day to help him. If you love someone with BPD don't give up it's a battle filled everyday for you both. God bless us all 🙏

[brandyseverin]

I have MDD & BPD and I am so beyond grateful that I have a supportive boyfriend. He understands me and has made an effort to learn about my illnesses. If not for him and my family, id be dead.

[ForzaTerra]

I just split up with someone who had BPD and it was an Incredibly painful relationship for me. Sometimes he would be attentive and everything I wanted in a partner but other times I’d have said something without even realising he took offence to and would barely speak to me, or withhold affection and I was just constantly stepping on eggshells by the end. He’d overreact to the slightest situation and would be paranoid about what others thought of him but didn’t seem to care what I thought of him at all. I tried to be as supportive as possible, at the cost of myself, putting up with abuse, especially in the mornings and then one day it went too far and I was a mess just breaking down crying repeatedly while he just bullied the shit out of me. I left the next day. I spoke to him weeks later and he didn’t even remember. That day traumatised me and is probably the worst I’ve ever felt and when I spoke to him he just vilified me for leaving and he didn’t even remember what he did. My heart is broken but I fell head over heels for this man. My advice would be to steer clear and protect yourself. He couldn’t and didn’t want to change and the lack of empathy makes having a healthy relationship hard with someone with BPD. Especially if it become abusive and they don’t even (want to) realise

[dannywholuv]

It feels like your soul is enlighted then sucked out of you were your left an empty shell of a person with PTSD

[mjremy]

I have CPTSD. Its similar in symptoms to BPD but not as unstable. I want to say thank you to everyone who has been supportive to those of us who were damaged early in life, and have struggled so hard to get through life though sometimes we barely understand it and feel like we are drowning. Thank you for hanging in there and being the rock we never had. Its a rough ride. Know that you are appreciated tremendously, are a life saver, and you have healed others. I've always had a soft spot for abused and broken animals since I was broken too. I learned to heal them as others have healed me. Don't give up. Its rewarding when you succeed.

[bobflemmet]

My wife has BPD and she has gone through several traumas that has left her suicidal and mostly alone. She feels like she only has me and her Mom in her life and it's tough to watch her tear into herself as often as she does. I've had to stop her from slamming her head into the wall several times but then she gets mad at me because doing that to herself gives her a sense of control. I love her and I enjoy the moments where she can be rational, but it's so hard for her to relax and be happy and it's hard.

[Hison-Dcarman]

I was diagnosed with BPD 18 years ago as a teenage. Spent my whole life fighting BPD. I suffered severe depression and mental disorder. Not until my wife recommended me to psilocybin mushrooms treatment. Psilocybin treatment saved my life honestly. 8 years totally clean. Never thought I would be saying this about mushrooms.

[HagakureJunkie]

I’m madly in love with a bpd woman. Most times she hates me, sometimes she loves. I live and die for those short times that she loves me.