Breakups: But… can’t we be ‘friends?’

There’s a cruel form of torture when an ex no longer wants us but wants a shoulder to lean on and our presence in their lives. Here’s how to figure out the right choice for your ultimate happiness:

The Dating Games Guide: You know you're being played, but what's the game?
And what's your countermove?

The Older Women | Younger Men Dating Guide:
Dating a younger man and wondering if it will last?
Attracted to an older woman and not sure how to make your move?

Rough breakup?
Check out: Breakup Triage; The Cure for Heartache

Wondering how to benefit from life's challenges?
Allowing Magnificence; Living the Expanded Version of Your Life

[CB-rvlj]

I'll never remain friends with a girl after I've dated. It has nothing to do with me being salty, its to protect my own sanity. Out of sight out of mind. I dated a girl from march to june. It was a great time but things ended up breaking up. But she expected me to remain friends. I'm sorry, but that part of me that you had access to is not available to everyone whenever they want. That part of you is special and is reserved for someone who wants all of me. Not just the part they enjoy getting when they want.

[ptrsrfns]

Hell no! If someone I love doesn't want me romantically, I don't agree to remaining friends. I walk away, and never look back. My time is a valuable thing.

[lauraa]

"You're being used to satisfy their guilt." Yes, absolutely, a major reason I declined a 'friendship' post-breakup.

[hems]

Can never be friends with any of my ex. Ever. No matter what.

[eddie]

I dated a guy for a year, he dumped me, we stayed friends for two years after, but he kept using things I did wrong in the relationship whenever he wanted the upper hand in a non related argument, Last month he got into a new relationship and completely dropped me and blocked me on everything. It was then when I realised I've basically been a safety net and comfort blanket until a better person came along. This was worse than a breakup, it prolonged the pain. And im left wanting to reconcile with someone I love, in a friend capacity, that no longer wants to know me. Many lessons learnt.

[RG-hfet]

I haven't even seen the video yet but I read the description & I have never heard it summarized better ...."cruel form of torture when an ex no longer wants us but wants a shoulder to lean have always been a firm believer in "when it's over, it's over." Don't look back, don't waste your time with someone who doesn't want you or who didn't respect you as a person, your wishes, your feelings. Close this chapter in your life like you finished a book and put in on a shelf with all of the other chapters of your life that have come and gone. Constantly looking or living in the rear view mirror wanting someone who said they don't want you will only keep you from moving forward in a healthy, happy, productive way. I wish I knew this in my younger years.

[AugustAdvice]

He treated me like crap, broke my heart and then wanted to be "friends" (with benefits). Funny, because doesnt that mean you have to actually be a FRIEND? As in, supportive, a good person, not a lying cheating jerk who doesnt give a F about my feelings? Yeah no thanks, I'll pass on your friendship buddy.

[SwedishMisha]

Only reason to have a ”friendly” connection to an ex is if you have a child together. Otherwise - after brake up - zero contact. Respect yourself and your new partner (if you are in a new relationship).

[bassoonmusic]

Yep. No means no. The thing I am proudest of is being able to say "I don't think I can do that"...in a puddle of tears as he was breaking up with me. I was too much in love with him so I couldn't be his friend, in any capacity whatsoever.

[MedicCop]

After all of her gaslighting, breadcrumbing, ghosting, triangulation, hot/cold, mixed messages, lying, cheating, trauma bond building, alcoholism, apathy and disrespect, she wants to pretend to be my friend??? She dumped me 3 years ago, but still calls every few months? NO WAY BABE!!! She didn't want my love, when I adored her. She used me, though I was always genuine with her. When she dumped me, it hurt a lot (because of the trauma bonds).

Still, it opened my eyes. I learned about trauma bonding, childhood trauma, attachment styles, codependency, alcoholism and addiction. I learned that I can actually put exact dates on her narcissistic stage transitions. I learned the value of emotional intelligence, having boundaries AND enforcing them. Saying "NO" to her wanting to keep popping in and out of my life has become a new boundary. I don't want her friendship or presence. I won't tolerate her emotional abuse, or allow myself to be a doormat. When a "significant other" has no significance (priority, respect, consistency, etc), the only thing left is "other". Other victim (in a long line), to monkey branch with, for her. An-other higher quality someone for me.

Overall, the time, however horrific, (I couldn't see it at the time) was worthwhile in the end. I'm grateful for the learning and growing I've done, and the stronger, higher value I have placed in myself. I didn't think I'd ever recover, at first, but now I can say it's possible. I pray anyone else struggling will see that they can too.

[lovetrustandpixiedust]

Absolutely, Susan. 100% everything you said in this video. I think guys keep us around as friends partly because of guilt and partly because they just want us as a backup. They like having options and it feeds their ego to know that there's someone waiting in the wings for them. It's cruel to string someone along like that and feed them crumbs of hope, so it's impossible for me to just be friends with someone I still have feelings for. I would much rather cut the chord entirely and move on. This literally just happened to me this week and it feels like adding insult to injury. Thank you, next!

[brego]

Yes. I agree to being friendly but not a personal butler

[Areyoukiddingme]

So true! I said NO! Who wants to be reminded of a person who said they loved you then mistreated you?

[Skylark-nuqt]

Excellent advise! Somewhere in my mind I thought I was being “mature” to stay friends. Just as you said I tried for 3 months, and told him I’m not a very good friend, and I had to let go. Best decision I’ve ever made. Thank you. Susan!!🙏🏾🙏🏾

[amstarla]

Trying to be friends with a guy you've been intimate with is irritating because you realize they never were your friend to begin with & now they're not willing to learn how to fulfill that role🤷‍♀️

[jellyrcw]

100% real talk. I will always remember talking to her about how we both feel weird about being friends with exes and she said "yeah, there are friends who haven't seen you naked" which made me lol and she was 100% right. It's okay to walk away. It really is.

[catherine]

Just ended a four month relationship with a brilliant but emotionally unavailable guy who just wouldn't let me in. Called me his partner and talked future but the actions and reality is a lot different. Found myself feeling confused upset and unfilled. It was so hard to cut him off but it was the right thing. Being friends is not an option for me at all there is no way personally I could do that as I have feelings still and if his friendship is as unavailable as his relationship style then it's not a friendship I need. I'll miss him but really I'm missing the possibility and the fantasy relationship. Beautiful man, will keep praying for him and myself x

[bygracethroughfaith]

Can't even be friendly with my ex 😂 there's no point in friendliness with them unless you absolutely can't avoid them. But in general, it's all or nothing 🙅

[wanderertatiana]

I'm only friends with one ex and one ex only, because our relationship was not that serious. But with my last one, with whom I was planning the whole future... No freaking way!!! Not in this life nor the next, because l make a better girlfriend than friend and no one is going to relegate me to a mere friend status!!! Neither am I there to 'help him move on' and assuage his separation anxiety after he trashed my heart and wasted years of my life. And that's even with no feelings left! I won't be relegated! If you choose to be without me, you're without me, completely.

[amadeus]

I’m a male I can’t stay friends with ex girlfriends they’ll use me to fix things, help them move etc..

They’ll try and get free labor out of me