Can Exes Be Friends?

Partners who break up frequently think that the nicest thing to do is to try to remain good friends. But this nice-sounding gesture frequently brings with it unexpected consequences.

FURTHER READING

“There are some very strong and socially-endorsed reasons why partners breaking up generally try to remain friends.To the person being – however nicely – rejected, the promise of friendship can feel like an emotionally-reassuring consolation prize. We may no longer be allowed to share their bed, have children with them or end our days in their company, but at least something can be rescued from the ashes: we will continue to be able to call them when we like, share our fears and go to the movies together...”

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CREDITS

Produced in collaboration with:

Animation by Martin Stacey

& Neil Evan

[TheFairytailever]

"If two past lovers can remain friends, either they were never in love, or they still are."

[thesixt.o.]

The opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference...that takes time to acquire.

[curious_gage]

I think the key component to this working is that both people actually accept that the former relationship is over and to not have any expectations for the future. Mutual forgiveness and valuing the other persons happinesses is also critical. It certainly isn’t for everyone.

[tillie]

My ex and I had a horrible relationship. After I broke up with him I didn’t ever want to date ever again. Four years later we started to talk again out of nowhere, and then we discussed the past. We recognized our mistakes and forgave each other. That was like two years ago and currently we are really good friends. I don’t know how, but surprisingly our friendship works. We even play online together and hangout. Time and distance were undoubtedly the most important factors for this to happen.

[nuz]

Can we just appreciate the depth of the animation?

[thoughtsanddreams]

Being friends with an ex is like going to the perfect job interview and not landing the job. However the hiring person will still call you and tell you the amazing things about the job and the qualities another person who got the job has. And they'll end the call with "Thanks for listening. We'll call you again when it's convenient for us or if we get an update."

[MegaHotdiggity]

As the dumper, I agree with all of our motivations for friendship. There were three reasons I had to end my post-breakup friendship- (1) I felt like I had to go through micro-breakups with them after becoming friends where I would have to remind them of our status; (2) I realized I was there for the wrong reasons, which was to see if I was doing better than he was after the breakup (I feel awful about this one); (3) he still had feelings years later. I realized a friendship with feelings is not a friendship, it’s just an unrequited love.

[britneyspears]

My partner and I broke up after 11 years. We're friends. The transition was difficult at first. However every so often we will contact one another to say hi or share an article or a funny picture. The point is we know we are there for one another if anything should happen because we genuinely care for eachother and want to be in eachothers life. Romantic relationships are conplicated and staying friends after a breakup definitely is, but a friendship is possible.

[wittynamegohere]

“Once my lover, now my friend. What a cruel thing to pretend. What a cunning way to condescend. Once my lover and now my friend.” - Fiona Apple

[praachibahugunaa]

This just broke my heart and healed it at the same time

[betsysa]

I tried to be friend with my ex, but never have I felt that burdened in my life. I was the "victim" and he was the one who broke up with me. Finally after I found out that he's dating someone else, I deleted all of his pictures from my phone and also deleted his number and I felt a sudden relieve

[essewaxegard]

As the child of two parents who fell in love at university and later undramatically fell out of love and stayed the best of friends I think its obvious exes can still be friends

[brianmiller]

I thought I missed my Ex till I realized it was only the memories I missed with her when we were perfect

[TuSn_Espinzo]

To everyone watching this, I feel you.. we're in this together!

[jaimiejin]

I burst into tears in the final scene when the little one was set free. Even though I was the executioner, I truly loved my ex-boyfriend more than any man I ever did. I miss him from time to time, even though I know he’s not the right person for me, and we don’t want the same thing in life. Humans are complicated - I am still attached in some ways.

[rych]

Something not mentioned in this video. Is if YOU are the new person who comes along.

I dated a girl who (I didn't know at first) had a history of breaking up and getting back with her ex. They'd done this several times over years! She assured me that they were done for good and she needed to move on. Apparently she dumped him and they'd been broken up for a few months when I turned up.

Things went well between us. I grew attached to her. We had similar interests, she was independent enough not to need constant texting. I actually imagined it turning into a proper relationship in time. And 3 months later, when she went on holiday without me (as it had been booked before we met) I was not concerned.

Upon her return, she casually mentioned that she had been contacted by him whilst she was away. But it was nothing and I didn't need to worry. Apparently he hadn't been well. But within hours, she was having a phone conversation with him, stood in her hallway whilst I was sat on her sofa! I always suspected he was upset that she had moved on, and he was clearly playing on her past feelings for him.

She mentioned him a few more times in conversations (including saying she was possibly going to meet him 1 day) And whilst I didn't react to it. It was beginning to bug me. But her actions over those few days hinted that she was going to dump me and go back to him.

And so it came to pass. I got a text one evening (not even a phonecall!) saying that we were too different and yadda yadda yadda. She ignored my 1 and only phonecall attempt. I gave her 2 days grace then deleted her from every social media we shared. I think I saw her in passing 18months or so after that, but she didn't see me and I didn't try to initiate anything. Why bother? What would be the point?

If her ex had stayed out of the picture or she hadn't responded to his messages who knows what might have been. But I've made it a hard and fast rule now in my dating life. If a lady tells me she is still in contact with her ex. I bail out as soon as possible. I am not in contact with a single woman I've slept with after we decided not to see each other again. How else can you move on if you keep picking at the wound hoping it will heal...

[OblivionZX]

I always was in the boat of "of course you can still be friends with your ex" but all of my past relationships I either did the dumping or it was a mutual agreement. Now with my most recent ex being the one who broke up with me, and during a time where our relationship was actually going well, it felt like an insult when she suggested that she still wanted to be friends... Something about the idea that the person wants to meticulously curate and cut out things from your interactions with them is off-putting. I had to ask her exactly what "just friends" means in her eyes because it sounded like she wanted to continue doing everything we were doing, in which case why are we even "breaking up", you know? Ultimately she just didn't want the emotional responsibilities that come with being in a relationship, and while I don't resent her for that and respect her honesty, I do feel like that's kind of shitty and lazy and I feel like I wasted several months. We now just watch each others' Snap stories and share memes on facebook. Thanks for reading all this, random youtube comment section stranger.

[juandebrigard]

Nice fucking timing, school of life. Nice fucking timing.

[VJ-bnbt]

There's a quite peculiar scenario (in which I'm in): When you two were close friends for a long time, start dating and then split up. I never remained actual friend of any of my exes, but, in that particular case, things got a lot more complicated, because I miss the old friendship a lot.

[KatzeMelli]

I'm still friends with my first boyfriend. We dated when we were 17 - 18 and loved eachother very much. Then school was finished and we both went abroad to different countries and separated since we were both hungry for life and adventure, each respecting the other ones journey. Life happened and we life in different countries and have different partners. We see eachother from time to time and still have love and respect for each other. I love him, and always will but don't feel the romantic element of it anymore. I'm happy we separated on good terms and always stayed respectful towards each other :)