CPTSD: How to Mend BROKEN RELATIONSHIPS!

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It's SO common for people who grew up with abuse and neglect during childhood, to have more than their share of broken relationships with friends, co-workers and loved ones. When it's a person you still want in your life, how can you restore or strengthen a relationship, without shame and in spite of the risk of rejection? In this video I walk you through, step by step, a process that can help; reconciliation with others is a wonderful part of healing from CPTSD.
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[OR]

These videos are very helpful. Any plans for a 1-week intensive course in a sunny location where people can learn these skills in a face-to-face setting?

[tuxedoneko]

1. Be clear about what you want to apologize for. Run it by a trusted person.
2. Write your fears and resentments about the situation. Get more in touch with what's important and real. Empathy for both parties.
3. Write what you did in detail and how would you feel if someone did this to you and what you are going to do about this next time
4. Call this person. They may or may not want to speak to you.
5. Only deal with your side, a clean apology. You can't make them apologize for their role. No excuses on your part. Let them know you get it. Say you're sorry. Say i hope you can forgive me.
6. Let it go. Even if it doesn't go as planned.

[strangelitgirl]

Years ago I was distraught that a friend wouldn’t accept my apology/wouldn’t forgive me. Another friend put in it perspective. She said It comes down to was I willing to forgive the friend for not forgiving me.

[DarkMoonDroid]

Oh, I just remembered...
I'm having lots of brain fog today so I had forgotten.
When I was still married and my kids were small, I tried to teach them good relationship skills - even tho my husband wasn't on board with any of it and knew nothing about such things. I had to do this alone.
But I taught them the 5-Part Apology:
*1.* _I'm sorry_
*2.* _This is what I did wrong: ..detail..._
*3.* _This is what I will do to make it right: ...detail..._
*4.* _This is what I will do to make sure it doesn't happen again: ...detail..._
*5.* _Will you forgive me?_


This is going from a pretty wonky memory. I'm pretty sure this is how it went.
It covers all the stuff that people generally want to hear in order to be able to get over stuff and move forward. It was meant to be used in a 2-way exchange in order to resolve a conflict. Not be a one-sided monologue to someone who may or may not be willing or able to acknowledge that anything happened or return to their own feelings about what happened. Many cannot. Some people want to pretend that nothing happened and that everything is fine - even if it isn't - and they will get upset with you for "dragging" them back into it again. They may have played a part, but because they can't even acknowledge that anything happened, that will never get resolved. And then you have to be able to make an informed decision about whether you want to continue interacting with them at all.


This, for me, is the hardest part.
Because I cannot tolerate unresolved conflict.

[areacode]

Such great wisdom.
A important secondary issue that is difficult for CPTSD is determining which broken friendships should be healed. There have been times I have mended relationships where I was still totally broken and a mess. Then as I learned how to deal with cptsd I mended things, did everything right and later they hurt me deeply again.. simply because there was hidden issues with them I never saw.

Like mentioned in other great videos on this channel before we heal our mind often we can attract others just as broken in other ways.

[danielc]

I found out through a mutal acquaintance, that one of my "best friends" back in high school was slandering me behind my back. I was shocked, at the time, how a trusted "friend" could triangulate people to dislike me through smear campaigns.

[GentleGiantAudio]

Thank you for all that you do. Wish there were more teachers like you out in the world.

[bobhunley]

"I've got my freedom, but I don't have much time" . Hi Dr. Rackal. You are another Hero of mine. Bob

[SSSweetPeach]

I’m so grateful for you Anna. Thank you for these videos.

[stellabandante]

I was feeling guilty about the dramatic way I reacted to someone's attack on me. Her blow up at me was sudden, and her manner was contemptuous, abusive, and (in my opinion) inappropriate to the circumstances. She has never owned her part in the conflict, much less apologized, but I still felt sorry that I had been triggered, and then behaved in a way that I later regretted. It took a long time to sort out what I was actually sorry for, but I did, and I sent her an email message (she lives far away from me) very clearly defining the mistakes I made, and a sincere apology for them. Because she never responded, I did not get the relief I wanted from the apology. I think that I carry a lot of free floating guilt and seem to need some kind of absolution in order to let it go in specific situations. I wish the conflict could have been resolved in a more positive way, but also did not want to beg for forgiveness, or enable her offensive actions toward me, which I very clearly do not ever want to experience again. I'd love to just erase the deep seated shame and guilt that seem to attach themselves to any interpersonal conflict. I really appreciate your videos, Anna, and I wonder if you have one that addresses this kind of "incomplete" rift resolution. I've done what I can, but still don't feel released from the negative feelings. My own guilt is somehow entangled with residual anger toward her.

[beam]

I overreacted on my husband at dinner this evening and ruined the meal. I was really feeling awful and needed to hear this. I did apologize. He didn't respond given that it's not the first time I've acted this way. Anyhow, I love the ending. I'm supposed to let it go. Thank you!

[DarkMoonDroid]

Well done.
It helps to remember what it feels like when others have apologized to us too.
I know. It may have been so rare that we barely remember any. But that makes those experiences even more precious.
That's how special it is.
<3

[chantalsimonetto]

Thank you so much!💞
This is so helpful.🌟

[annatoth]

Hi Anna, I'm glad I came across your channel. I have pushed my hurt way back in my mind, but now in middle age my memories are creeping back. Now I know what my triggers are, and now I know where they come from. Now when I see other people get angry about things, instead of reacting I stop and wonder if that is coming from their childhood triggers, that helps me in how I react to them. If everybody could understand this, then we would be living in a much more kinder and compassionate world. Thanks!

[jacquelynallen]

I’ve got so many triggers that I don’t know if one apology will ever be enough. I’ve been in therapy working through the PTSD Changing Beliefs Worksheets. I work at it, but I can’t really relate bc it’s for ex-service personnel from war. It’s helped a little. But more confusing than helpful.

[juliegazzoli]

If you said awful things to someone, but you don't recall much of the specifics because at the time you were disregulated, do apologize for what the other person tells you you said or is it best to keep things more general. Also, can you talk about the timing of a good apology. I like that you say that you want to wait until you are calm, but what about the other person. If they are not regulated they may not be able to hear you, but hearing your apology may be a key ingredient in getting regulated. Thanks for all you do. I've gotta get busy on my apologies.

[_Siete]

Now I want to make a diary to write all of this down.
Very inspiring and empowering :)

I hope I can mend the friendship I hurt, if not, lesson learned!

[jeanieshank]

Wow just wow. My friend knows how to do this. Now I can learn it to! Thank you!

[kathyingram]

~This is sooo excellent!!!~It may be my favorite of all of your amazingly helpful videos!!!~♡~

[rosiemorrison]

A really good insightful way to heal broken relationship thank you, Anna, I love your YouTube posts 🙂🌈☀️🧚‍♀️✌️💖