Supporting foster child who self sabotages important or special days

Sometimes kids in care will self-sabotage bigger days like trips, birthdays, or holidays.

This can happen for a variety of reasons including anxiety, to gain some control over the situation (better to sabotage than to be let down), they may feel they don’t deserve the special moment, or they may have guilt if their sibling or parent doesn’t get to also enjoy the event. Additionally, it may be related to their neurotype or a disability, they may want to avoid having the attention on them… And it also may be a mix of reasons too.

There is so much we can do as caregivers to support the child through these moments. This video is just a small sampling of things to try.

I welcome the community to chime in on how you support kids who may do this. How do you prepare leading up to the day? What do you do on the day to support as much as possible? Drop your comments below! ⬇️

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[TN-rfnt]

This is EXTREMELY applicable to neurodivergent people (not just kids) and anyone with trauma in their background (again, not just kids).

[asmora]

I feel better about life knowing good people like this woman exist and make things better for others.

[debbiemcpherson]

I love how you're willing to break social rules by letting kids see their presents before their birthday to reassure them. You're just so thoughtful.

[Kim-bpkb]

This is actually really helpful for me as a teacher. Sometimes you forget that the kids in your room are living in a constant state of chaos and don't do well without clear explanations.

[zacgallenlover]

Laura, I showed my mom, a retired teacher and foster mom your videos. She says she wishes resources like yours were available 20 years ago. You are really helping people ❤

[maryblakley]

These tips are also super helpful for autistic kiddos! Mine does not handle surprises well, so we provide notice of "big events" (while also not hyping them up too much). Same deal with gifts: reassuring them/letting them space out gifts is a huge help.

[rebekahjimenez]

On the surprise thing, once you have built up some trust, try small and happy surprises. My daughter has autism and severe anxiety. Her therapist was shocked at how well she handles new situations because I made sure to get her used to unfamiliar stuff also being a positive thing.

[amandagrayson]

I was was severely abused as a child and now, even as a grandma, I STILL can’t handle surprises.

[FilippaSkog]

YES on the surprise thing. As someone who grew up in a neglectful and abusive home I hated surprises as a child, and still do. Doesn’t matter if it’s something wonderful that I’ve wanted for a long time, if it’s a gift or an experience or if it’s with people I’m safe around. I get instant anxiety.

[zubeia-kk]

Nothing worse than a child sabatoging their joy. It means they’ve been taught to hurt themselves. This was once me and it was my constant apology and repentance for existing when I wasn’t wanted

[Izzy-cpyt]

I've always asked kids if they want to know what's planned, or if they want it to be a surprise. Anyone in the group can come over and I'll tell them quietly, but only once we clarify that we're not going to tell our friends who want it to be a surprise. A little bit different since I worked at a summer camp, but it was an easy way for me to meet both sets of kids where they needed it. Some hate surprises, some love them.

[AyaBlue]

I'm not a foster parent but have used more than a few of your tips with my kids.

[katherinejacobsen]

This is so relevant to holidays as well. We learned to open Christmas gifts from relatives as they arrived in the mail (kids saw the postal worker drop off) rather than wait until Christmas Day. Anything to take the hype out of the holiday, which became so destructive to their already anxious psyche. Other families just don’t realize how revving the kids up escalates stress to the child’s detriment.

[satan_from_hell]

i was never in foster care, but i have severe anxiety when it comes to not knowing things, so seeing this video existing literally makes me feel so seen

[ritaantosik]

It’s definitely fascinating how trauma/PTSD can influence how we perceive big days. The past hurts make us anticipate a big day with anxiety because we’re expecting things to go wrong and to end up sad/upset. It takes time and gentle healing to unlearn and be able to enjoy big things again

Thank you for illustrating this so well and making a positive example for people to learn from 😊

[joannamoody]

I’d imagine a lot of kids have experienced a big day being ruined at least once, all because an adult in their life dropped the ball. But instead of the adult taking responsibility for the failure, they decided to blame it on the child.

I love the reassurance that the planned celebration or gift will be there, even if the child has struggles in school or whatever.

[DragonFries]

I'm not a parent, foster parent, or even adult, but watching these videos just restores my faith in humanity. You're so conscious and kind, and to do all that AND share it with others so they can benefit from it aswell? That's just amazing.

[CassVanCat]

From my limited experience as a mom, letting your kids know what is up is always a good thing. Even for surprises. I always tell my 2 year old what his day or days will look like if they deviate even slightly from our normal routine. He appreciates being informed.

[cre-k-ive]

Yes!! People are obsessed with big events and surprises. I don't like them because it's too much pressure on one day or too much pressure to act the right way when surprised.
I wish people could understand that you can enjoy something you already know will happen. Even with movies, I like to know the plot so I can just focus on enjoying the experience.

[MarisaAndChew]

I love this! As a person who is naturally anxious and always has hated surprises (I ruined Christmas pretty much every year of my life if I think about being told that), this is really helpful esp as you're getting to know the child. Now that I'm older I literally buy my own gifts and wrap them and I still get anxious on birthdays and any gift giving days. I don't know how I'm supposed to act and as a child I would have major tantrums as I felt out of control. The terms "Christmas is coming" or "your birthday is coming" literally bring me to feeling extremely angry. I always had a good Christmas with traditions etc but the not knowing things made me feel sick. My kids are now young adults but if I was to do it again I wouldn't do Santa as a mysterious person either. I used to struggle so bad to sleep on Christmas Eve BC a strange man was going to sneak into the house and leave God knows what and the songs like "he sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake" was stuff I took literally. As the holidays approached my family would say things like "did you hear that? It must've been Santa's elves checking!" It took me years to feel safe leaving my curtains open at any time of day. Now that my kids are older we still do "Santa" but it's never really been this big dude, it's more like we all went in on a bigger gift and didn't mark it as who it was from. If they ask we will say who pitched in. I didn't even have trauma to have caused my anxiety but I was like that starting at around age 3. What my parents thought was normal like "be good the elves are watching" was traumatic for me. I can't imagine being in a foster home where I'm possibly struggling with never having had a gift to possible SA etc and then this family love dumping on me with presents and having no clue what it could mean or if bad things may happen afterwards, add in Santa the mystical being and you're telling your kids a male intruder with super powers is coming. I know this probably sounds insane to many people but if you've never struggled with anxiety it would be hard to grasp why an "exciting time" is over stimulating with the lights, music, different foods, more company, gifts, school plays etc.