Helping a new foster child feel safe in your foster home

“Safe” means something different to every foster child, especially depending on their age and past experiences. What do you do to help your foster child feel safe?

[reneemitchell]

Slamming doors triggered me until I was 28. It's the little things. Dropping car keys too hard, walking too quickly in our direction, a raised hand. 💜

[abigaillabar]

I say "I have to walk away for 1 minute because I have big feelings"

[josephkaye]

As a kid who once was in the foster care system that has been with the actually bad/scary adults I wish I would have had you!! It would have made things soo soo much better!! So since the kids don’t really know how much you are helping them at the moment, I would just like to say thank you!! And I wish there were more like you out there! Xoxo

[PupRiku]

The walking away for a few minutes is one of the best things anyone can learn. It really stops an unnecessary rage or outburst. Not just with kids, just in general.

[glowingforthe]

OH THAT LAST PART wow wow wow, the actual vebage of that is really important to me. A lot of foster children have really bad abandonment issues and take bad attention as attention regardless . And some of my friends from the system genuinely would rather you yell at them than ignore them.. so the reassurance of like "im going away because i am angry, but i will not abandon you" is essential communication

[carmengogeidnas]

Thank you for emphasizing walking and gently shutting doors. I came from a very abusive family and to this day, I jump when I hear a door slam, and my anxiety level goes through the roof, even when I know I'm home alone and it was just the wind. Sometimes I get scared when people laugh really loudly because I think they're screaming for a second. And stomping or running in the house terrifies me too.

[blueeyedbatman]

"That is not safe, I'm going to pick you up now" is something all parents should learn honestly. Adults tend to forget that just because you can overpower them, doesn't mean you should. They need body autonomy too, otherwise we end up with even more adults who don't respect personal boundaries.

[Bioshroom]

Your regular emphasis on not drinking around foster kids really means the world as advice. Being from alcoholics even just smelling alcohol on an adult would make my heart sink, I'd be certain I couldn't trust them or be safe except in mornings. And as I got older and their drinking worsened I learned not even that was true, that people can wake up still intoxicated. I still remember my preteen years having stolen a steak knife I kept hidden in the window blinds above my bed to feel safe, and pushing my mattress away from the wall to make this crevice to sleep in on the box frame to feel hidden. Just having a drink at all, and that smell, can trigger so much in a kid and lose so much of their faith in you as a safe adult in the house.

[TizzySnik]

I think it’s really important to always say you’re coming back. For me, I have always had anxiety I thought my family would never come back when they left me

[RebeccaEWebber]

My grandpa was in over a dozen foster homes before he got adopted around age 10. He doesn't have any good stories except the calm single mm who he ate cereal with before school every day. I wish all foster children had you.

[Rash_cookie]

I really appreciate your message and you not using actual children, to make your point and exploit them!

[kaykanut]

Thank you so much for what you do for these kids. 10 1/2 years ago I was in a very bad living situation with my daughter who was 5 months old, I was also pregnant with her sister. I lived with my thier dad and his parents and they drank a lot so cps got involved and I lost my baby for 2 months until I got into a great group home. She was in foster care with an older lady named Phyllis and I only got supervised visits, once a week for those 2 months. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to go through, especially pregnant but knowing she was with a wonderful, kind person helped a lot. She's almost 11 now, her sister almost 10 and we had a 3rd daughter who's almost 7! My daughter still has the stuffed monkey Phyllis gave her at 6 months old, his name is Bobo and she STILL sleeps with him every single night!! We need more people like you out there, not all but some of us really are good parents who are in crappy situations and just need a hand. I fought for a year and a half, one year in the group home, for my daughter, got my GED, saved up for my license and a car, we got everything for our own place then finally OUR OWN HOME TOGETHER!! Luckily I could have my kids with me in the group home but thier dad couldn't stay with us that year so it was lonely and terrifying. I can't thank my case worker Dorothy, the staff at the group home, my reunification worker and my daughters guardian ad litem (I'm sure I misspelled that lol) enough!! If you really are good and want your babies and work with cps you will regain custody!! I'm now doing a class for phlebotomy, thier dad builds houses, we have a home, 2 vehicles and everything our kids need and deserve. We never take our girls for granted, we've had to fight for them and that changes you. I'm sorry this is much longer than I expected, I haven't thought in depth about all that in a while. I just wanted to thank you and let you know what you're doing is so so so amazing and it does make a huge impact on the children and thier parents. I can't imagine how hard it is, but the reward of keeping someone's babies safe and healthy while they can't is huge. Just, THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU ❤️

[keidwyn]

My sisters and I still talk regularly about how our different foster care placements never told us the rules, we would be mute and go without anything to eat or drink as we didn't know we could ask for food as we had been in Orphanages, our behaviour was noted as we were " lazy " etc we were frozen with fear incase we made the wrong mistake and sent back, which happened .If only there were people like yourself and foster careers need to watch your vids prior to fostering .Thankyou for caring

[leahgracefecteau]

I like how you talk to them when they make a wrong choice because yes you don’t want to scare them but even for kids or kid not in Forster talking is better then yelling unless it’s an emergency

[melissawalker]

it must be so scary to be taken from your parents and put with a total stranger. it takes a big heart to love these kids. most of the time they're hurt, confused and scared. bless you for helping them

[love_gracie_joy]

I haven’t had to be in the foster care system, but have bad PTSD from childhood. (It had nothing to do with my parents!) And my family is still working/learning how to help/accommodate for it. (I may be 20 years old, but I didn’t have normal child and teen years.) So thank you so much for caring very deeply about the people that you are reaching out to help!! I can’t express it enough!! Thank you!! -Gracie

[yikes]

I appreciate the tip regarding not making sudden movements or slamming doors. Even as an adult, the trauma I experienced as a child still affects me to this day so when I hear doors slamming or someone stomping around angrily, I get so anxious or shut down emotionally. Thank you so much for being so mindful of kids and their potential trauma!

[sbb]

thank you for giving actual advice about alcohol instead of ignoring it like that horrible dougherty woman

[kpepperl]

I think these are generally good advice for any parents.

[anonymouscat]

i’ve never been a foster child and have always lived in a safe environment without abuse, but i’m on the autism spectrum. i’m very sensitive to loud sounds and i don’t like being touched without permission. it’s wonderful that you’re doing so much to make the children comfortable in your care!! thank you!!!