Foster parent supporting foster child with bathroom, potty, toileting accidents

Accidents can happen to any child.

But as with all things we do as foster parents, we need to be aware of potential signs abuse, neglect, and mental health needs. The removal alone is a crisis in and of itself. 💛

Here are a variety of things to try, spanning various ages and different considerations based on history.

As a reminder with all things, never shame or punish. Validate, connect, support, and accommodate whenever possible.

Please feel free to add your experiences below. ⬇️

[_MissChelsey_]

I’m not a foster parent, but worked in daycare for 17 years. I once had a little girl pee herself during nap time and she bawled because she was so scared of being in trouble. I helped her get cleaned up and told her about how a lot of girls (especially as we get older) pee themselves…even I pee myself when I laugh too hard, cough, or sneeze..she was so surprised and thought that was funny and it changed the entire mood. I will never forget that.

[youareloved]

It’s so important to let the kid know it’s okay. I wet the bed until I was 12. That was a result of trauma, and medication I was on to help with mental health issues. One day, my worst fear came true. I slept over at my friends house, and we shared her queen sized bed. And I had an accident. She didn’t make a big deal about it. She didn’t wake me up. She went and got her mom. And her Mom gently woke me up, rubbed my back, told me what happened, and that I didn’t need to be embarrassed, and that it wasn’t my fault. That day has stuck with me forever, and I am so glad I was met with understanding, and support instead of shame, and embarrassment.

[stay_gold]

that’s why we call it an “accident” and not an “on-purpose”

[cjboyo]

One of the things that I learned as a CNA is offer choices when you can, but don’t offer fake choices. If you need them to go to the bathroom, you don’t say “do you want to go to the bathroom” you say “let’s go to the bathroom”

[CaveWomanCuriosity]

“These things happen to all adults, even if they don’t talk about it to kids”

I think I’ve wet myself more as an adult… If only kids knew how normal everything they do really is. Little angels ❤

[SartorialDragon]

It is sooo valuable for children to hear "it's not your fault" and "it happens to all kids". Kids often get the message that things are their fault and nobody else struggles with this.

[anacoanagoldenflower]

This is really important, especially that it might be happening after a visit is missed or after removal; or even after hearing stressful news like that a new court date was set or something else. As a therapist my thought is always first on what happened around the behavior as well as a possible connection to trauma; it's also not unusual for kiddos to regress when they're scared or stressed, or to initiate regression themselves because it's the only way they know how to self-soothe; and sometimes bathroom accidents are part of that and they or other people don't realize it. Thank you for yet another good video!

[lbird]

Also a little tip for dealing with kids who have being dirty (or perceived as dirty as trigger) you can say “let’s wash up” instead of “let’s get you clean” cause the second implies seeing the child as dirty :)

[NeurodivergentQween]

I love watching this, it’s like a comfort for me. I grew up in an abusive household, and just hearing how you would talk to the children is so comforting.

[exsanguinateds]

I had bathroom issues until I was 12 just from the amount of stress and horrible abuse I was under coupled with lack of even being taught how to deal. It’s a compounding issue for kids when you don’t treat them with kindness and patience. I love this woman’s channel. I was never in foster care but I did bounce between homes a lot as a kid and watching her advices on how to better be there for children is… it’s not meant for me I know but it feels very healing to something inside me… I don’t mean to get all emotional but it’s how I feel!!

[thathollyjorge]

As someone who has had accidents as an adult, feel free to tell kids even adult do it to. Thanks for everything you do

[Medicboi]

For my god kid, we took a page from Bluey and always take a "tactical wee" before we do anything big, like car trips or bed time. I've expanded it to any time we're going to be doing an activity for at least 45 minutes to an hour, we'll both take a tactical wee. That way we don't have to stop in the middle or risk an accident because we get lost in what we're doing. Don't know if this would be helpful for some folks, but it's helped my god kid avoid some embarrassment.

[angeliyt]

When you said “Alexa play spa music” it triggered my Alexa and she started playing spa music 😂😂

[Lovinia]

For an older kid, giving them a water jug with 8OZ increments and a water timer every two hours helps them track when they might need to pee. Also reenforces the habit of staying hydrated

At night, there is no limit to how many sheets and protectors you can put on.

Having pads or pull ups just there in the house where they can find them also helps.

[ylenagreen]

So my sister and I were both in FC and then adopted together. Unfortunately while my foster home was amazing, hers was awful and the “carer” used her and my other sister for the pay check and as slaves essentially, to look after her house and newborn twins. My sister had severe anxiety and separation issues and would often have accidents at night and was told very clearly she better not wake up the adults and was to deal with it herself and that it was shameful. Our mum was amazing about it from the very first day. Got her “grown up” night time pulls ups but never made a big deal about it, would run her a warm bath no matter what time of night it was and would strip her sheets and get warm cleans ones on while she was in the bath. She did it so calmly and quietly that I almost never even knew it had happened despite sleeping in the same room mere feet from her bed (at one point less then that when we had bunk beds). Mum also made it very clear to me that I wasn’t to tease her about it and never tolerated that and my sister was so shocked at first that this person was actually caring and not shaming her. I didn’t have issues with bed wetting but have severe retention and as a kid that would lead to accidents, usually at school and my mum dealt with it just as tactfully and made sure the school followed the same system she did and it helped heaps (though that was due to medical issues not anxiety.) I do remember at about 12 having an accident while rehearsing for a play at Fringe and I was mortified, felt like dying, was in front of my mates and my crush, and he was so sweet, gave me his jumper and walked me over to his aunt and grand, a (who ran the academy) and quietly asked if they could help because I’d “spilled some water” and the way they reacted meant that although I was horribly embarrassed, I didn’t feel ashamed. They joked about it, very calmly went out a bought me new clothes and acted like it was completely normal. I’m convinced to this day that almost no one else there knew what had happened. The way people react to these things make big impacts

[msjkramey]

I was a nanny and I got two kids potty trained in about a week. They were totally ready, just weren't getting encouragement from their parents. I used lots of praise and no shaming. No shaming is always important, but one was a little boy dealing with wetting the bed, which is super normal! I was so proud of them and myself

[CreedsofYore]

I wish I had these videos when I was raising my daughter with severe mental illness. Dealing with her was extremely difficult and I didnt have anyone to learn from or get advice from. Her therapists spent more time dodging us than helping.

[emd]

There are waterproof pads for mattresses to avoid towels altogether. The fabric ones are better than the plastic ones, to avoid kids ever even noticing they’re down. May be a bit less embarrassing for a child with a mattress pad instead of a towel.

[micheydevita]

This is so important for all kids. We know a family whose kindergartner had potty issues at school. They had therapist and doctor check them out. Sadly the child was diagnosed with brain tumor. I appreciate your compassion and share kindness with your educational videos.

[cospaws]

Like a lot of people say, this is fantastic advise for genetic children too!
I only know at 23 years old that it was my undiagnosed adhd that made me procrastinate using the restroom as a kid, and it lead to accident up to age 8. I was always just grilled on “why?” and with my lack of an answer, got no sympathy from my parents.