Foster dad considerations when foster child is scared of men

I am sick and lost my voice, so Chris is filling in for me :) Here are some considerations if the child in your care is scared of men.

As always, feel free to add more in the comments below!

[katjones]

Make sure hands are visible broke my heart. Anyone who harms a child deserves the deepest layer of hell

[Janne_Mai]

Above all, don't take it personally. They're not scared because of you - they're scared because someone's hurt them, you're just reminding them. It's not your fault and it's not their fault, it is the fault of the person who hurt them.

[janesays]

Don’t forget to say “That’s okay!” or “It’s okay!” whoever the kid does something wrong or something they’d consider wrong, just as knocking a glass of water over, breaking something, or literally anything. That would make a huge difference in a child’s life if they’ve had a verbally abusive dad. It’s important for them to know that they’re safe, and that the niceness isn’t conditional, and they should feel comfortable regardless of any mistakes they’ve made!

[MisanthropicSeraph]

Holding back tears because he was so thoughtful and kind. The compassion is unreal. I wish I had people like this growing up and now.

[charlottefullstop]

I'm a CPS manager, and these little considerations mean so much to kids. I'm going to show this video to our Foster Care Manager. I think it would be helpful to share with our families.

[abi-uW]

As an adult with PTSD from my dad's abuse, this made me bawl like a baby. You guys are both awesome beyond words

[carolynhollingsworth]

His kindness, compassion and overall demeanor should be an example to others. It can make a huge difference to a child with trust issues.

[hunterlurvey]

Remember fellas, its not all men, which is why its YOUR job to prove it. Show the world with your actions. Move and speak with kindess and compassion.

[maxxmason]

Thank you for calling attention to not sharing a blanket and making sure your hands are visible this is personally how I was hurt and I feel like not enough people notice happens

[kaylamorgan]

I love this so much. There’s no “But I would never hurt you!” or “I’m not a bad man!” No defensiveness, just understanding and adjustment.

[lanceelliott]

"Or should I go get Laura to help?" This is so important. It means so much to have the option of a "safe" person. Thank you for understanding that.

[katrinab]

The blanket/hands visible thing breaks my heart because I know those things are unfortunately way too common . But I really appreciate you talking about it

[harryoz]

I'm an adult now, but what I would've given for this level of compassion when I was a child struggling with heavy issues relating to men.

[TheCoeryy]

This made me cry and reminded me a lot of my dad.

I was 15 when I was moving from house to house, and I was very defensive. I was technically an unofficial foster kid, and I felt very alone. When I met my foster parents, I was very closed off. However, my dad was very soft-spoken with me. He was caring and supportive, even when I lashed out at him. He was patient with me, and so was my mom. I had a lot of trust issues, but over a year or so, I began to open up to them.

I'm really grateful for them.

[kays]

I am so grateful my foster parents were like this. So loving I know it doesn't always go that way. I love them to this day. I'm still in contact with them.

[BoopSnootAndTroubleshoot]

He looks like the kind of man who is a harmless teddy bear through and through, but will absolutely flip his sh*t if someone harms his family.

He's a kind and good man :)

[laartje]

Would like to add one from my own trauma/childhood. Be aware of where you position yourself towards the child. Walking up to a child too quickly, towering over them or accedentally cornering them with no way out can also be triggers. Keeping a bit more distance from the child, or ideally letting them choose the distance between you, and making sure you are not blocking doorways but moving to another wall leaving the doorway free can really help.

[lupine.spirit]

This made me tear up. I love this. I know men who feel attacked when a child (or woman) is afraid of men in general. I understand that it doesn’t feel good to be seen that way but it’s a trauma response. There is barely anything more assuring and safety-giving than a man who knows and understands that it’s not him personally but the experiences that made the child/woman/whoever feel that way and that he can actually help to show that actually there are good men out there, who have true compassion and love

[claudettelampley]

So true. Even the sound of opening a drink can (alcoholic or not) can be such a trigger for the kiddos!

[yesterdayscoffee]

Our oldest is 14 we started fostering her at 9. At ten she told my husband hugs made her uncomfortable and she gave them to him because she didn't want to hurt his feelings. Now they have an intricate high-five/handshake they do every night and every couple months she will give him a hug. So glad we had experienced foster parents give us advice like this early on.