Growing up invisible: the impact of being the invisible child

Complete transcript: Growing up invisible: the impact of being the invisible child

Mom: You just take care of yourself honey.

Child: I sure do.

Mom: It's not like you're even there.
Child: You've noticed.
Mom: Such an easy child.
Child: I'm more quiet and the chaos in this home is way too much for me. I've learned to just not cause any issues. Most of the time I'm just in my room and daydreaming. I watch TV shows and pretend that I'm part of a completely different family.
Mom: Yeah, you're always in your room. You don't really talk to us or tell us what's going on in your life.
Child: Okay, here's what I'm learning: I'm expected to just be okay, which really means invisible. The more I keep to myself, the more I'm rewarded for being good. And you don't think it's necessary to check in on me or ask how I'm doing or see what I'm interested in. I seem like the stable one in the family, but as an adult I'll really struggle. I won't know how to express myself or ask for help. I'll completely deny any of my own needs in every kind of relationship. I'll be so afraid to rock the boat, that I'll just people please. And when things get stressful for me, I'll just withdraw and spend time alone. And feel completely misunderstood.

[AlenaLea]

When you're almost 20 and you realise that dreaming up a life with the perfect boyfriend who will love you, marry you and make everything about you is escapism and indeed not a normal way to pass the time while you're going home on the bus every day or trying to fall asleep at 2AM...

[violetamariposa]

Never rewarded for being good, never thanked or complimented. The expectations just increased.

[GildaLee]

Then there was, "You're always in your room. What are you doing in there? Probably something shameful. You think you're better than us. Oh look- she's gracing us with her presence today! Wonder what she wants."
NO WAY TO WIN. NO MERCY.
😢

[lynnefox]

I called this my superpower: the ability to fit into as little physical space as possible, and to vanish from attention. My childhood conditioned me forcefully to never, ever, call attention to myself.

[jan]

I made myself invisible because my mother had too many personal issues and was more focused on the "problem child". I didn't want to feel like a burden. I was always the mature, strong and responsible child. I'd spend LOADS of time alone in my room and my mother didn't understand why I always wanted to be alone...

[Vidddddddd]

I was the "easy" child and that role I had in my family - among other experiences in these relationships - fucked up my ability to express my needs and emotions. It led to me just living in my head, daydreaming about breaking free from my chaotic family and finally being able to be who I really am.
I've spent my whole life pretending to be okay until I was burned out badly.
I've almost spent 4 years now unlearning these patterns, getting to know myself, fixing my issues with expressing myself, battling my anxiety.
It's my life's work - it's the most exhausting and painful thing I've ever attempted to do but it is so worth it.
Thank you for your videos! They're always eye-opening.

[aaronjohn]

I made myself invisible to avoid the anger, rage and drama. I learned to depend on me which as an adult has created issues with intimacy, trust and boundaries. My saviors have been with my horses. As with them I can just be and not be afraid of being seen.

[spacegirl]

OUCH!

This was my life 100%. I stayed in my bedroom from my teen years on, writing and listening to music really loud to drown out the screams from the rest of the house. I didn't watch tv and imagine myself in loving families, but I wrote a self insert character who was rescued by people who loved her and wanted her to be all right.

Not that long ago my old man told me I was "easy." Nobody checked on me. "I thought you wanted to be in your room." "No! I was in my room to avoid all the screaming and the fights!"

I was supposed to be a-okay with everything. I'm not. Clearly I am not. I recently checked myself into a psych ward because I snapped. I'd had ENOUGH of the abuse and belittling and constant nastiness. Nobody asked me how I was doing or why I decided to go. Just like growing up.

Thank you so much for this, Nicole. I feel so seen and validated.

[NewMedication]

This is so me. I don’t know what to do with myself. I’m so used to being by myself and not have anybody pay any kind of attention to me so when they do it feels so awkward. I find it hard to relate to others or keep conversations going. Only in recent years have I realised how aloof and cold I appear to be to other people. It didn’t occur to me that other people might want to talk to me at all. I want to have meaningful relationships but at the same time, I crave peace and silence and get easily tired by small talks.

[toni]

Yeah, in some families, you're happy if you're not asked how you're doing because everything you say about how you're feeling can and will be turned against you.

[hushmychild]

I didn't exactly grow up in a chaotic family, but I was in a divorced one. I became intensely involved in a fantasy world at the age of 7. I'm 32 and my entire life still revolves around fantasy. My ability to connect or express myself stands at a solid zero. I have no friends or close loved ones, have no desire to seek them out, nor am I able to keep a job. It's humiliating, but fantasy was the only way I could ever feel as if I belonged, wanted, or had a sense of value. I don't ever want to let it go, even if it costs me a real, meaningful life.

Parents, check in on your quiet, seemingly easy kids.

[dcc]

"Just do good in school". Yea like that will even be possible in this kind of environment.

Parents often don't realize that it takes a TEAM to turn a good child student into a financially successful adult.

[abbykoop]

Yup. Any time I tried to interact I was shamed. I was constantly told to "go away", "find something to do", or "I can't wait until you're out of here". Then when I did go do things in my room, she would burst in, expecting me to be doing something "wrong". If I was reading, she'd tell me to go outside. I couldn't win no matter what.

[unionunicorn]

Yep. This is me. Everyone thinks I’m the strong one without any problems because nobody ever checks in on me to see how I’m actually doing. And even if they do, I don’t know how to feel safe to tell them the truth because I know they can’t maturely handle how I’m actually feeling. So it’s just better to self isolate than have to deal with people’s violent and aggressive reactions to my feelings. 💔

[Fairy-Perry]

This is me, I have no sense of self now and I'm trying to heal and acknowledge my own needs, not just others'

[Turbulent_Tardis]

I still close doors silently and walk without making a sound. Being invisible was a skill i perfected...

[Octobris]

This is literally my life up until like, 25. Childhood was cold and quiet, and the only thing stopping the silence was judgement and screaming. I was shamed every time I was vulnerable. I was not once told I made them proud. So I hid my entire being in my imaginary world and online.
Around 20 the psychological issues caused by the neglect became extreme.
They wouldn't even attempt to help or recognise a problem, when they saw me spending 16-20 hours a day in front of my computer for basically 4 years, sometimes not bathing for a week, sometimes not leaving my room (even to the bathroom or to eat) for an entire day, sometimes going weeks without uttering a word.
If you acknowledge the problem, you have to deal with it. And they didn't want to. Too much work to reach out to your child, who is drowning.
Went no contact in 2018. The only chance for me to find my own value was and will always be elsewhere.

[ooulalah]

I'm rarely able to cry but this made me burst into tears

[emmelsmusic]

I had to have a conversation with my middle child.
I started the conversation with "I see you".

That broke him open and allowed him to share what he was keeping inside.

Every once in awhile, I will still have to shoehorn him out of his room but it is getting easier each time.

[isforme]

Thats me. It almost broke me. I started drinking as a teen to cope. Glad i met my husband, he taught me that my feelings matter and rocked the boat for me. Im better now and he is my hero since 15 years.