When does the time come for children of narcissists to thrive?

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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.

THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.

[RianneMision]

I cut off my narcissistic family 8 years ago, as soon as I got out of school. I worked three different jobs in order to support myself completely. This angered my mother who did not like this newfound independence, which, of course I expected, but was still baffling to me, because most parents would be proud of themselves for raising a young adult who is self-sufficient. She reacted to this news by harassing me, showing up at my new apartment and contacting my work places without my consent, filing false police reports about me, and getting multiple family members to harass me.

I told her that I would not tolerate her disrespect anymore and to please give me my personal space. I made it clear that I would be the one to contact her when I feel comfortable speaking to her in the future and that if she could just respect the space I would reach out. She upped the ante, pressing relatives to harass me more. I had to block her, my sister, and unfortunately, other members of my family who I really liked to talk to. She has created numerous new social media accounts and used various phone numbers to circumvent my blocking of her over the past several years, but I have never ever answered her.

So what changes happened after I cut my family off? My anxiety disorder decreased in severity. I gain confidence. I started my own business. I put myself out there as a performer and started getting more and more concerts. My relationships with other people improved because I had more emotional bandwidth to put into them.

No matter what place the narcissist has in your life, whether or not you are still in contact with them - YOU CAN CHOOSE to thrive. They have no real power over you.

And if you are deciding whether or not to go No Contact but are scared to make the leap: I can assure you, it’s well worth it.

Stay strong, friends!

[cwayzums]

This topic speak volumes to anyone out there living the “trapped” life. I was the only girl in the family and my dad was slowly grooming me to eventually take care of him and my mom. He would ask me to learn how my mom cooks our meals so that I can cook for them in the future. One day, I told him about my dreams of living on my own and starting my own family someday. He asked me not to move out and take care of them forever. That motivated me to move out and start my own family. They resented the fact that I was too stubborn for their control and called me “hard-headed.” Growing up, I always felt that life was unfair. My brothers could go out and date while I stayed home. My mom said I was a girl and that’s why I couldn’t have the same freedom that my brothers could. Lucky for me, I saw past their manipulations and paved my way whether they were with me or not. Now in 2023, I am living my life at 40, working on my dreams and goals. Thank you Dr. Ramani for opening my eyes.

[mapleleaf]

My time came when both parents eventually passed away The pressure is off, my time wasn't until I was in my 60s.

[babsth]

"It's ok to be angry about having lived your life in the service of the ego's of a toxic family system." This sentence was gut wrenching but at the same time oddly liberating to me.

[bellaluce]

WE OWE NO LOYALTY TO THOSE WHO HARM US!
The social norm of loyalty to parents is based on the assumption of parental love and protection of children.
Abusive parents voided their "right" to loyalty when they chose selfishness over basic kindness and decency.

[katesmith]

My narc mother never encouraged me to do anything for me. She encouraged me to stay at home, not have any friends because she was my friend and she knew what was good for me. I had to go wherever she went and always listen to her problems. I had not private life. Even when I stayed quiet in my room, she came often to see what I was doing. Her role for me was simple - have no life of my own, have no partner of my own. I was to stay forever in her house and live the life of hers and her golden son. When I met my present husband she did what she could to break the relationship. She called him names and had me followed. So I moved out and started to live on my own. She called me every day and talked for hours about her life. I stopped taking the calls. My husband is a good man and he wanted my mother to be the part of out life. But when he saw how I was treated, he backed me up in a decision to go no contact. That was the best decision. She tries to hoover me back and uses various flying monkeys but I don't give a fu.... k. I know a normal relationship is impossible and I value my peace of mind more than this toxic person.

[bsouperfluous]

As a child of a narcissistic mother....my only advice for anyone who CAN to just get away, I moved to another country, I just couldn't anymore. And just like Dr Ramani said, "people carve out their own solutions" and this is true, even for the narcissist. They DO find others to take care of them (especially those covert ones like my mum) so please don't feel guilty or feel shamed for walking away. I was ALWAYS shamed for not sacrificing my life to service the narcmum and at the same time was being compared to her and criticised for not having accomplished as much as she had. Ignore the shamers and you do you, they'll forget about you and you can move on, trust me once you feel the peace of life without a narc addictive and you'll never regret it.

[gabriellea.lowery]

I went completely no contact with my mother in 2004. I've never looked back. She'll be 84 in March. Peace and tranquility is a precious gift I've had almost twenty years now.

[davidJohnsonguitarguy]

Even after toxic parents are dead they can still devastate your life, because you are living your life from the bad programs they inflicted upon you, even after they are dead.

[brigitte]

The damage is really comprehensive. Healing is taking my whole life. Because I keep finding and recognizing patterns of dysfunction.

[reneemorgan]

They are thieves of joy!!! If you can get out from under their influence, you'll realize that they only take what they don't have. Get out...protect your peace. Guard any light you have left...

[fighttheevilrobots]

I'm 38 years old. I am nursing my 7 week old daughter as I listen to this. I have a life mission of not repeating the toxic cycles of my family that harmed me so deeply for so many years.
I knew as a child that the only way I would get freedom to live as I wanted was if I went to a college far away and lived far away. But then, the control lessened, but continued because they paid for my college education. .
I engaged in self harm for 20 years of my life.
I learned in college several things...
1. Without financial independence I could not be free.
2. I could not be vulnerable or talk about anything negative in my life because it would always be blamed on me... something I did wrong to cause those things.
3. I could not be my authentic self around my parents. I could not dress how I want, talk how i wanted, express my real political beliefs, listen to the music that made my soul happy, or wear my hair how I wanted. I had to keep the mask or else I had to live with the guilt of being called "disrespectful".
4. I could never disagree out loud. It caused too much anger and I could not handle the guilt of this disagreement being seen as "disrespectful".
5. I learned that I could handle situations of massive violence, risk, danger, or intensity... but absolutely nothing or no one caused me the level of fear that I felt at angering my mother.
6. My mother believed that my body belonged to her and was a reflection of her, and not my own. Bodily autonomy and consent were not something I understood until my late 20s. This opened me up to SA.

As I hold my beautiful baby I SWEAR, I VOW, that I will never raise her in such a way.

[joyful_tanya]

At 50 years of age I went "no contact" with the narcissistic parents. They destroyed my life and I will never regret just walking away.

[anneparrish]

Another part is that in a way you never have a family. No one has your back. … you do for them but having relationships where you’d have support don’t happen. Sabotage, yes; support no. The sabotage is easier to see but the alone thing, no support is like a big black hole.

[neverwares]

I went no contact with my ex-mother 10 years ago. It was difficult but I’m so glad I won’t be obligated to look after her in her old age. I can only imagine how much worse she’s gotten and she was already a monster.

[lisahead]

I’m 58 and resentful that I haven’t had my time. It’s TIME!!

[slothy-sloth-sloth]

I left at 19, went to university and never moved back. Loved my life of freedom in a different city. My brother (the golden child) stayed until my mother passed away. He was in his early 50s!!! I never understood why he stayed but he was the golden child and wasn't a confident adult. I remember in the last year of my mother's life (she was ill), she was mad that my single brother went out for dinner with a female friend. She said "that's the last thing he needs". What kind of mother would want her adult child to be alone in life? Oh wait, a narcissist.

[jarenkoelzer]

It took me 42 years to go completely no contact, and the last 6 months have been more transformative and healing than I ever thought possible. My heart breaks for those that cannot get out. My thoughts are with all of you beautiful souls today.

[LoraWhitener]

I am 57 years old and am the daughter of a narc "mother" which led me to marry a covert narc. I rejected nice boys in school and now I know that my comfort zone was one of abuse. I am a long hauler and have been married to this narc for 32 years but am happy to say that I am finally separated and working toward divorce. I truly feel that it is my time to thrive and am working on home projects that I always wanted to do but never could while he was living here. I finally have that feeling of peace and I wake up happy every day. I try not to think about all the years wasted with this selfish person but instead I prefer to think of it as the experience that has shaped me as a person and I am where I need to be. My mother is still living and I choose when to have contact with her. I most worry about my own children who are 25 and 29. The oldest has gone no contact with his father and my biggest regret is raising them in this toxic environment. I hope they are not too damaged by this and that they can thrive.

[brandy]

This is something I thought about for years. There was a moment when I was in my late 20s when I mentioned to my mother that I wanted to buy new cooking pots. My mother told me not to buy them, because I could have hers when she dies. I remember thinking, “I can’t have new pots until my mom dies?” My mom’s family usually live into their 90s. That means I wouldn’t get new pots until I was in my 70s, and by that time they would be decades old. This particular conversation made me so angry. It seems like a little thing, but it all came together in that moment. My mother really expected me to do without until she died, and then I could have what she leaves behind, and she expected me to treasure it. When I tried to express to my mom that I had the right to buy new pots, she acted like I was so ungrateful that didn’t want to wait for her old cooking pots.