What Is Emotional Neglect? And How to Cope

Emotional neglect - the withholding of parental love during childhood - can have a psychological impact no less profound than other forms of abuse. Before we can start to recover, we first need to acknowledge the scale of its effects.

FURTHER READING

“When we imagine the difficulties involved in a so-called ‘bad childhood’, we most readily think in terms of children who are physically harmed – beaten, underfed, sexually abused – or else treated with active contempt: screamed at, blamed, put down, mocked and tormented.
Such harrowing images make it hard for us to picture that there might be another, in many ways more prevalent yet just as damaging form of injury to which children may be exposed. In this case, there is no physical violence, there is no taunting or shouting. It looks – at first glance – as if all must be well. But that would be to miss the particular kind of wound that can be inflicted through what psychologists term ‘emotional neglect.’...”

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CREDITS

Produced in collaboration with:

Gemma Green-Hope

Title animation produced in collaboration with

Vale Productions

[thereisnosanctuary]

An unloved child will burn the village to feel its warmth.

[harmenbreedeveld]

This is me. I grew up in a perfectly normal, decent family. I had all the basics in life, and a bit more. Except for emotions. Both my parents are highly closed off, each in its own way. My father felt like an impenetrable wall, without a gate. My mother felt like a wounded animal, vulnerable, distrusting and prone to lash out at the same time. Emotional expression, from cuddles and hugs to talking about feeling, was not done at home.

I was always sensitive to these tensions and realities, and adjusted by suppressing my emotions deeply, by stopping to talk about them. I did so unconsciously; I was a child, learning blindly about the ways of the world the way a child does. How could I have known there were other ways of doing this? This was my universe.

The results were subtle at first, but built up over the years. Low self-esteem, an inability to express my emotions or to ask others for help. Depression and darker thoughts.

I am on a path of healing and growing. I have been on this path for years, and expect to be walking it for years to come. But it is worth it: here I am, writing about it to you all, not ashamed, not hiding. I would not have been able to do this ten years ago, or even five.

I am 44 now. In some crucial ways, my life indeed did begin at (around) 40. Here's to the future. May it be full of love and space for me, just the way I am.

Love to you all, and especially to those whose life stories in some ways resemble mine.

[jassykat]

I stopped worrying about it when I realized that I was a better person than my parents in basically every way.

[Dewwood]

I was fed, watered, clothed with a roof over my head. The basics. That’s about it. Not very wholesome. Apathy aplenty. Never really flourished. I struggle with life as an adult. Terribly insecure with low self esteem. Still working on it.

[kingsmerte]

Been in therapy for years and the source of almost all my issues is this. I'm not mad at my parents cause they just didn't know better, but goddamn this has been hard to fix.

[abbzg]

my whole body is shaking as i watch this. emotional neglect is dangerous because no one really pays attention to it. it’s super hidden

[hallucigenia]

Reparent yourself. You're worth it

[Ellejas]

I think is very important to reparent yourself. Nobody should pass their inner child for somebody else to raise. Give yourself everything you are lacking. Unfortunately as much as it sucks to say, the more we expect other people to acknowledge our needs, is not going to happen if it comes from a desperate place

[astermos-]

Hmmmm never had a hug from my parents. I always felt like there's a hole in my heart.

[alyssaf]

Reading the comments seeing people relate to this like I do doesn’t make me feel so alone🙏🏻💗✨

[pancholopezpaz]

I suffered emotional neglect because my mother was (and still is) completely depressed and she only devotes her energy to read the bible. My father was absent looking for love in other women. I was always the best in sport but no one was there to tell me "I am proud of you" "you did great" "you deserve it" "I am here with you." As years passed I started to be less good in sports, mainly because of all my insecurities and low self-steem.

[pagethreemodel]

At 29, the extent of emotional unavailability and stability I was subjected to in my childhood, has taking a horrific toll on me. I want affection so badly; I just want someone to tell me that everything is going to be okay and I'm good enough. I'm suffering. And everyday all I dwell on is how much I'm suffering.

[patrickking]

Lots of kids whose parents stare at their phones all day are gonna need this video in the near future 😔

[pyschologygeek]

“Numbing out” or being cut off from one's feelings.
like there's something missing, but not being sure what it is.
hollow inside.
Being easily overwhelmed or discouraged.
.
Perfectionism.
Pronounced sensitivity to rejections

[soumidutta]

To anyone reading this, if you've been through emotional neglect yourself, I want you to know that I have been through it too. And all the people commenting here. And so many more. You are not alone. And it's not your fault. We didn't know that parenting could have been done other way. I am crying so bad right now. My little girl died some days back and my mother expects me to bounce back to normal in 7 days. This is emotional neglect. This is emotional unavailability. I want to grieve, but there are no comforting arms around me and there's no parent to tell me that it's okay to grieve.

[thecircleandthesquare]

i just realized that the chronic loneliness and yearning for love and affection that i've always felt started when i was a baby waiting for my parents to finally love me and hold me dear. i've been carrying this feeling and waiting on them for so long that eventually i forgot about it, but it never went away. i'm speechless.

[PeanutGigglesu]

This hit me like a brick. Im 31 and still suffering this through relationships thinking its okay when its not. All due to my upbringing.

[pamelatorres]

People who neglect their children should never have had them in the first place. It's sad and disgusting. :c

[Birmanncat]

As a grown man I have no idea how to share with others my feelings, opinions or interests. Growing up in a particularly "cold" household I got used to people around me not caring about what I like or dislike so I don't ever feel the need to share anyting, but when I do... I can't find any words for it and feel inadequate.

[landline]

I feel absolutely alone in this world. I don't fit in or belong anywhere.