When the helper child grows up

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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.

THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.

[verseau]

One correction: we helper children don’t do it expecting to receive “love”. We know early on that this is laughable and unattainable. We do it to reduce rages, fights and chaos. The only real source of love we received came from our cats and dogs. Still true to this day.

[tapestrylove]

Spot on! I was the helper child. Huge people pleaser and it did a number in attracting those who use you up and then discard you anyway.
When I started having boundaries now in adulthood, you don't hear from anyone anymore because they can't use you up. It's lonely but peaceful. Hurts though because as an empath I truly cared about those I loved but they couldn't care less about me.

[linata]

I’ve become my mother’s therapist from the age of 5. I had to listen to her problems and absorb all the pain without ever having an opportunity to experience my own pain. All my life I was trying to succeed for her because she’s convinced me that it would solve all her problems. I HAD to help her. As a result, I had no sense of self until the age of 30. This is when I had a nervous breakdown and couldn’t explain what was happening to me to a therapist. I had no concept of me being weak. Breaking down was just not an option. Thanks to my therapist I’ve realised that I didn’t have a normal childhood. Up to that point I lived with so much suppressed shame and fear that I couldn’t acknowledge the fact that my childhood was not normal. My mother of course turned away from me when I had a nervous breakdown. I’m 42 now and still recovering, but I’ve claimed a lot of power back by allowing myself to heal. Some of us, unfortunately, are not meant to be in touch with our family as adults.

[shannonhamlin]

Was and have been “The Helper” child. I stopped once Mom and I got into a fight and she said, “I wish I never would have canceled that abortion appointment.” That was it. It hurt so much and so deeply that I moved out the same day, and haven’t considered it home since. It’s been difficult to understand and grasp that I can’t do anything to “make her love me” or to see that I’m valuable, while also understanding that her inability to see my value is not my fault. They do a number on your head.

[MaureenWHamblin]

I was a parentified child! I was the cook, cleaner, babysitter and my mums “therapist”! My narc mum used to future fake and say: when you are a mum with your own home I’ll come and help you! 🤣🤣! I have 3 kids now (one is only 14 weeks old). my mum recently came to visit and did nothing! She slept in till 12 noon most days!! I left her to herself! I looked after my kids and just got on with my life as if she wasn’t there. She left within Four days 🤣🙌🏿🙌🏿🙌🏿

[amandamitchell]

This was my role growing up and into my adulthood. I finally stepped back 5/6 months ago and just yesterday my brother called telling me I needed to do more. That I needed to help more like I used to because of age/ability.
He believes my therapy was all brainwashing and that I’m a bad person now for setting boundaries.

I wish people could understand how much we’ve already been through and how hard it is to put ourselves/mental/emotional health first.

[Lydia-kay]

You just described my entire life up until the age of 34 when I decided enough was enough and went no contact with both parents. My only regret is not doing it sooner.

[autumnrose]

I would like to add that being the helper can also extend into doing emotional and mental labor for your parent/s. One of the ways I was a helper on top of being a house maid was helping my mother and father emotionally regulate, like a parent would with a child. When they would get worked up i would help them calm down and reassure them everything was alright, and then I would help them problem solve their issues. I started doing this from age 5 onward, obviously getting better at it as I got older.

Emotional guidance and problem solving and managing the adults self care may not sound the same as physical labor, but I'll tell you what it's just as exhausting and stressful for a child. I did all this stuff so much growing up that I'm eternally burnt out now and have to put a lot of effort into carving out time for rest and healing for myself.

Emotional and mental labor is labor. And to anyone who was this kind of "helper", you are not alone!

[spookymachine]

I call this 'the Cinderella child' I was a Cinderella child. Now as an adult, I'm super independent 👍

[glenndeacon]

I felt grief when I listened to this session. My childhood was lost because I spent my time taking care of two alcoholic parents, and sibs. Every day I cleaned up the vomit, broken glass and sometimes blood after their fights. My mom made me her little "psychologist" listening to all her emotional problems. If I didn't clean the house, the dirty dishes, laundry and filth would pile up. If I didn't cook, we didn't eat. I lost a scholarship because my drunk parents wouldn't go with me to sign the forms. I was an exhausted, anxious and depressed kid. Why didn't any teacher or other adult outside the home ever notice my distress? No one intervened. God, I hope that is not the case today with distressed kids not being noticed and getting help. As an adult, I tried to fix, manage and control everything and everyone which drove me to therapy and selfhelp programs. Today I have very strong, healthy boundaries. I am not responsible for anyone else. I help others only when I choose to do so, not because I think I must help them. God help the kids everywhere today who are being abused and neglected. Parenting classes should be required training in our schools.

[eatplaydecorate]

I think a lot of adult helper children are learning what a complete waste of time it is to look after the needs of others. Thank goodness it's about freaking time. We so deserve better and really need to turn it inward. Thank you all for such great feedback.

[jaanarajahalme]

I was a helper child. I continued this role in all 3 marriages, all of my exes were narcistic / Aspreger's. Not anymore, now at 62 yo I'm living for myself, and it feels so good!

[yasminenasser-rafi]

It's interesting that a helper child as an adult does not have the help of the parents when needed. They don't offer help when asked. And as a child, the helper child never has anything done for them to make them feel special at birthdays, or even for their wedding. Special events are not celebrated by parents whose only habit is to be served and not serve. 🤔

[realhealing]

This is my story. Constantly working for love. I finally quit. This narcissistic family system will never change.

[alyshatree]

The narcissist makes slaves of their children and only gives attention and love to control their children. To watch a child in the helper role, their siblings calling the helper “mommy” and not the narcissist is telling. A narcissist doesn’t have the empathy to parent.

[kormaithepatient]

I was the helper child, now the truth-teller. It took years in therapy to get over the existential crisis of "what does it even look like to just be? Who am I if I'm not actively being useful to people? How do I ask for help from people?"

My father didn't raise me as a person, he raised me to be his salvation, completely responsible for him. To be his therapist, parent, emotional wife, caregiver, and the solver of all his problems. We often imagine as kids that someone will come and save us, not realizing it will be ourselves as adults. But that would mean taking responsibility, which in my father's case he could not do. So he "programmed" me to save him. I was so programmed, brainwashed, and captive by the fear, obligation, and guilt that I'm only free now because he died 10 years ago. The best thing he ever did for me.

[sparklemotion]

I love how dr Ramani rocks her grey hair!

[leegorringe]

When I was about 10 years old my narcissistic father would insist that every Sunday morning scratch his back
i would sit cross-legged behind him in my parents bed and have to pull up his pygama jacket and scratch his fat back for what seemed to me like ages until he was satisfied.
My mother would serve him coffee and then leave.
I now realise that she was quite happy that she didn't have to do my job.
I can still feel the discust and anger when I write this.
What made it worse when years later I told my Therapist about it
Her answer which I'll never forget was
"your father really needed
tenderness didn't he?"
The above was the top of an iceberg.
Just like Dr Ramani mentioned I married a narcissistic man where I to his delight and also reason he married me continued the pattern.
Today at the ripe age of 85 I am writing a book about all this
Knowledge is power and having learned a about narcissism very much from my daily doses from Dr Ramani I am working on a book.
It feels so right to turn something so sick, toxic and nasty into something constructive.
If I through this my book can open one or two women's eyes to what two toxic parents egotistical behaviour can cause in an innocent child's life I feel I have turned things around and it feels so right and good for me.

[procomxt]

"children exist to serve their parents " was what my mom confidently said when I asked her why she couldn't manage most things on her own .

People like my mom are really the origin of transactional relationships .

She calls it love, but I sincerely doubt it.

[OjitosChiquititosmaquillaje]

I’m glad to see here how common my childhood is for many people. Unfortunately, but glad I’m not alone.
Parents that just used their children for their convenience, and see their children as little adults.